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I'm of the opinion that parents who expect their children to support them in their old age had better treat their kids right when the kids are small.
As I told my own mother, she could expect the exact same level of care from me as she gave to me when I was a child.
Jrz, since these are not your actual siblings, I see no advantage to your getting into the middle of it. It's their family drama, leave it to them.
Its not like you can fix it.
I am of the opinion that parents should not expect anything of their children financially nor should adult able bodied* children expect anything of their parents financially . If you get support, great, but it is not a given right.
OP, don't get involved. It is up to either your friend or his/her other siblings to speak up
*of course, parents are responsible for their handicapped children but not drug or alcohol dependent adult children
A relative is judging an older sibling's treatments of their parents based on the relative's own experience and taking a very harsh view of the older sibling that may be fueled by their parents. I know that the two siblings, because of a nearly 20-year age gap, had VERY different experiences growing up. The eldest was raised by teenaged parents who were often irresponsible and even abusive. Still, that sibling helped out when they began earning money and was eventually able to turn a very troubled life around. The younger sibling was very indulged and sheltered and never wanted for anything necessary, even though the household was never that well-off. I grew up with the older sibling and I know A LOT of what went on. However, my view may have been distorted by other relatives who are not exactly reliable narrators. I think the parents may be sugar coating things and running down the elder sibling, who I know does not want to rehash what was a very unpleasant era for them.
The younger sibling (now an adult) thinks the elder should be helping to support the parents (who are still struggling) more. The elder offers some support but does not go out of their way to do so and has distanced themself from the family more than the other siblings. The younger sibling has a very inaccurate image of the elder, who is likely too proud to correct any misconceptions. The other siblings in the family are very uncomfortable with the youngest sibling's venom towards the eldest, but clearly reluctant to intervene. My question is, should I? I don't live near them, after all.
I have my own issues with my mother that have been beaten to death on these boards, but to see this kind of rift playing out in another part of the family is very distressing. I hate to see the dysfunctions of our parents' generation playing out in my generation.
So do I tell the youngest relative that there is way more to the story and that much of it played out before the youngest was even born? The problem is, I'm not sure exactly what the truth is. I just know the younger sibling has an unfair view of the elder that is likely fed by their parents, who aren't exactly introspective regarding their past behavior.
I would. I am really tired of one sibling attempting to define a parent as "good" when another sibling's experience with that parent was anything but.
Each child, born sequentially, was in essence, raised by "different parents".
Very strict and demanding parents mellow with age. Or parents who were irresponsible occasionally get their act together.
Everyone within a family is entitled to their OWN EXPERIENCES and their OWN PERSPECTIVE.
What they are doing is very dysfunctional and must be frustrating to the eldest sibling. I'd say something. It can't hurt, but it may help.
Sometimes it is nearly impossible to change the perspective of a "staunch" parent defenders. At the very least, you will be offering some validation to the sib who is being disbelieved.
Yes, siblings can have very different experiences growing up when there are many years of age separating the siblings.
My brother and I are almost 13 years apart in age and had different experiences growing up. He grew up for many years as the only child in the household, as his older brother and older sister were out of the house by that time.
If you feel a need to talk to the younger sibling why not just offer an observation of what others have said - that every member of the family has a different perception of the family which is based on which act of the play he arrived. Keeping it a neutral observation offers him a change to think of his family differently than he may have ever thought of. A lot of people have never thought of this.
Since you don't know if your information is reliable and since it just may cause pain to others to tell it it would be best, smart even, to leave it out.
A relative is judging an older sibling's treatments of their parents based on the relative's own experience and taking a very harsh view of the older sibling that may be fueled by their parents. I know that the two siblings, because of a nearly 20-year age gap, had VERY different experiences growing up. The eldest was raised by teenaged parents who were often irresponsible and even abusive. Still, that sibling helped out when they began earning money and was eventually able to turn a very troubled life around. The younger sibling was very indulged and sheltered and never wanted for anything necessary, even though the household was never that well-off. I grew up with the older sibling and I know A LOT of what went on. However, my view may have been distorted by other relatives who are not exactly reliable narrators. I think the parents may be sugar coating things and running down the elder sibling, who I know does not want to rehash what was a very unpleasant era for them.
The younger sibling (now an adult) thinks the elder should be helping to support the parents (who are still struggling) more. The elder offers some support but does not go out of their way to do so and has distanced themself from the family more than the other siblings. The younger sibling has a very inaccurate image of the elder, who is likely too proud to correct any misconceptions. The other siblings in the family are very uncomfortable with the youngest sibling's venom towards the eldest, but clearly reluctant to intervene. My question is, should I? I don't live near them, after all.
I have my own issues with my mother that have been beaten to death on these boards, but to see this kind of rift playing out in another part of the family is very distressing. I hate to see the dysfunctions of our parents' generation playing out in my generation.
So do I tell the youngest relative that there is way more to the story and that much of it played out before the youngest was even born? The problem is, I'm not sure exactly what the truth is. I just know the younger sibling has an unfair view of the elder that is likely fed by their parents, who aren't exactly introspective regarding their past behavior.
Tell this younger sibling everything and then duck for cover.
Well, if everyone felt like that, no one would ever try to bridge gaps in understanding, and reunite families.
Trying to make people understand and empathize with the motivations of others is what peacemakers do.
And God Bless the Peacemakers.
Others can't be bothered.
This forum has no shortage of posters who advise everyone to walk away from relationships, and don't step in where you might be helpful because "it's none of your business".
Well, if he is going to get involved, I suggest he write down all the talking points he wants to make because in the heat of battle, things get forgotten. Also, he needs to make it clear to the other person what he defines as success; otherwise, the other person might wonder what to do. Help them.
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