When Some of Your Grown Children Don't Get Along (siblings, person, member)
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What do you do, as parents, when some of your grown children don't get along? There is obviously nothing you CAN do (from what I have read) to solve the problem - which usually stems from some deep-seated sibling rivalry. The causes of the problem can also be unconscious - so one or both of the parties might have animosity and not really have examined the core of it.
In my family, there are two daughters who were very close as children. There were circumstances that arose that caused friction. I remember when they were 18 and were screaming at each other at Christmas. I could not fathom that anyone would have a fit and try to ruin a holiday for others, but they seemed to have no qualms about it. Neither one of them ever apologized for it, and in fact, they did it again at another Christmas years later. I found this behavior extremely traumatic, as I cannot handle any displays of aggression or incivility and I also regard holidays (holy days) as sacred, due to my upbringing.
Still - they were very, very close as children, as teens, and as young adults. They had lots and lots of fun together - then something "happened" in the family that caused a lot of trauma to the entire family - too personal to discuss details - involved another person and these two . . .
Fast-forward to today. They have been "estranged" for around five years. There were a couple of family occasions this summer where they both attended. One of them would not take a family picture with the other and now, it doesn't appear they will both be attending upcoming holidays.
My take is that I think they both "owe" each other apologies for certain things that happened. I have not given my opinion to anyone and I doubt they would be inspired to do anything if I said anything anyway.
The issue is MY feelings. I cannot have parties in my home like I used to (I tried to have one and one of the people had a fit saying I was crazy under the circumstances to even THINK of it). And I am SAD that holidays won't include both of them. I hate knowing there are hard feelings, envy, resentment.
Any parents going through this and if so, any advice?
For fighting adult siblings: Do you care at all what your parents think of your estrangement and how it affects the family, or is it just "tough beans?"
I have not dealt with a situation like your own. I'm not asking you what caused the estrangement, but since you (wisely) did not voice an opinion or choose a side, I have to wonder how egregious the offense could have been.
But why do you think your feelings don't matter? Of course they do, and your daughters should be mature enough to realize how their tiff is affecting you, and the rest of the family. After 5 years it's time to speak up. Have your parties, and let them know they are both welcome to attend, however, you will not put up with screaming matches or rudeness. The choice is theirs but you don't have to be held hostage to their dispute.
I have not dealt with a situation like your own. I'm not asking you what caused the estrangement, but since you (wisely) did not voice an opinion or choose a side, I have to wonder how egregious the offense could have been.
But why do you think your feelings don't matter? Of course they do, and your daughters should be mature enough to realize how their tiff is affecting you, and the rest of the family. After 5 years it's time to speak up. Have your parties, and let them know they are both welcome to attend, however, you will not put up with screaming matches or rudeness. The choice is theirs but you don't have to be held hostage to their dispute.
They are each so stubborn, and neither of them seem to care what I think about their actions. I don't know if it is lack of self-awareness, denial, or something else. They both have bad tempers. One is particularly volatile and freaks out if anyone looks cross-eyed at her.
If I planned a party, probably one or neither would come and then it might just be a couple of other people. I could try it as an experiment.
I have been kind of stewing about this tonight because I just found out one of them is not coming to Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure it is because the other one wouldn't pose for a family picture with her and there was another incident on FB recently.
I feel like I want to speak up, but it's not the right time, and I can't do it in person - it would have to be a letter or something.
I don't know. I should wait until I am not so upset.
I would have never wanted to hurt my parents by my actions, but these two don't seem to have that concern.
You have no control over this. My brother's alternately loved or loathed each other. I didn't really get along with, mesh with, my older sister for decades. We spoke, but that was about it. Now that we're both in our 60s, we get along very well.
Neither my sister nor I speak to our toxic middle brother. It took decades, but we finally realized that we could no longer deal with him.
I was the peace keeper for many years, and my parents and siblings had me talk the others into showing up for this or that. It's a thankless job, and I won't ever do it again.
You have no control over this. My brother's alternately loved or loathed each other. I didn't really get along with, mesh with, my older sister for decades. We spoke, but that was about it. Now that we're both in our 60s, we get along very well.
Neither my sister nor I speak to our toxic middle brother. It took decades, but we finally realized that we could no longer deal with him.
I was the peace keeper for many years, and my parents and siblings had me talk the others into showing up for this or that. It's a thankless job, and I won't ever do it again.
I just find it tragic that people can't be civil for any reason - the lack of goodwill just kills me.
And of course, it ruins MY family life (because they can't get along).
It just seems so selfish and childish to me (and I do believe sibling rivalry is ONE of the reasons - but it is unconscious - they don't realize it - they just feel envious, resentful, whatever).
I just find it tragic that people can't be civil for any reason - the lack of goodwill just kills me.
And of course, it ruins MY family life (because they can't get along).
It just seems so selfish and childish to me (and I do believe sibling rivalry is ONE of the reasons - but it is unconscious - they don't realize it - they just feel envious, resentful, whatever).
It is selfish and childish. I can see why my brother felt that way. My eldest brother was extremely intelligent, always an A student, an Eagle Scout, and started traveling internationally when he was fairly young. The second kid always felt second best and could never get past it. He didn't realize that spending time with my parents and doing things for them was as important, or more important, than the shining star's accomplishments.
I was finally done with him when he told me that he wouldn't be...what? responsible or held accountable for my ill, elderly mother's death. I used to drive to her house nearly every week, 3 hours, to clean, do her laundry and cook. He lived eight miles away.
It is selfish and childish. I can see why my brother felt that way. My eldest brother was extremely intelligent, always an A student, an Eagle Scout, and started traveling internationally when he was fairly young. The second kid always felt second best and could never get past it. He didn't realize that spending time with my parents and doing things for them was as important, or more important, than the shining star's accomplishments.
I was finally done with him when he told me that he wouldn't be...what? responsible or held accountable for my ill, elderly mother's death. I used to drive to her house nearly every week, 3 hours, to clean, do her laundry and cook. He lived eight miles away.
Unfortunately, this is a typical story. I don't know why there are so many unthoughtful, hurtful people about!
My sister is horrible and I highly doubt we will ever reconcile unless she does some major change in the way she treats family. I refuse to be around her. She treats me like crap, puts me down constantly and tries to make me feel like a horrible person. I don’t find it to be selfish and childish, there is probably more to the story than you know.
OP I understand you don’t like it and it makes you sad, it isn’t about you. This is about something that happened, that’s bad enough they can’t be in the same room as each other.
My brother and I get along but I doubt I will ever go visit him. He doesn't return phone calls and I'm tired of making the effort. Petty? Maybe. But is it kind of liberating to not have to try and do that? It sure is.
My sister is horrible and I highly doubt we will ever reconcile unless she does some major change in the way she treats family. I refuse to be around her. She treats me like crap, puts me down constantly and tries to make me feel like a horrible person. I don’t find it to be selfish and childish, there is probably more to the story than you know.
OP I understand you don’t like it and it makes you sad, it isn’t about you. This is about something that happened, that’s bad enough they can’t be in the same room as each other.
I understand that they have their issues - and I don't know what tipped them over the edge. One of them invited the other to an important function and the other showed up and acted rudely. No excuse for that.
You CAN act civil (don't have to be all warm and fuzzy and kissy-kissy).
For the sake of your FAMILY - you should be able to show up, put on a smile and act politely for a couple of hours.
So many people are UNFORGIVNIG - they live with self-righteous anger/resentment/hatred. Both of these people have hurt me intensely, but I can still be civil to them! They have done horrible things to me - yet, I can treat them cordially.
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