I think my friend is stalking me (husband, guilty, person)
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I have a needy friend. I love her and we've been very good friends for over 20 years. She is generous, faithful, honest, smart, funny, and kind hearted. She is also emotionally volatile, totally emotion driven (vs logical), a bit neurotic, and can be inappropriate. For instance, she dropped everything to come up to the hospital to be with me when my dad was dying and I was his medical POA - nice, right? Not only did I appreciate her being there, my dad loved her and I know it meant a lot to him for her to come up there. BUT - once she got up there, she was not a lot of help. For instance, when the doctor came in and told me that I had to make a decision about life support because my dad wasn't going to pull through, instead of comforting ME, I found that I was comforting HER - she began wailing and carrying on and I remember thinking, "Why am I hugging her and telling her it's going to be OK - shouldn't this be the other way around?" Anyway, I have more examples of that sort of behavior, but that should suffice.
But when I had surgery, she made homemade lasagna and put it in individual containers so that I could just pull it out of the freezer and nuke it and she came over and cleaned my house too - she is genuinely a very sweet person in many ways.
Right before I go to bed at night, I sometimes check social media and if I see something interesting, I may post it. Tonight - at 11 pm - I watched a video of hurricane damage filmed via a drone, and it was interesting, plus I have a lot of friends who have been impacted by Hurricane Michael, so I reposted it. IMMEDIATELY my phone rang - it was my friend. This is a new development and she only does it when she knows my husband is out of town, but I have noticed a pattern - if she "sees" social media activity from me, no matter how late it is, she will call me.
I don't want to talk to ANYONE at 11 pm. Call me old school, but I don't personally call people, or text them, or whatever, past about 8 pm and even that seems a little late to me. I just do not want to talk with her or anyone else at 11 pm!
I think I answered one of these weird calls once before, because I thought "Oh my gosh, is something wrong?" when she called, but no - nothing was wrong, she just wanted to chat. So since then, I haven't answered these calls. Now, I may call her back the next day but what the heck?
Not only that, when I've called her back, I've said, rather pointedly, "I saw I missed your call last night - I don't generally answer my phone so late." That SHOULD be sufficient but apparently it's not.
It feels like she's sitting there with her phone in her hand and the minute she sees that I'm awake, she calls me. Because she's a night owl and bored and her husband is already in bed.
And yes, I've posted about her in the past - this is the same friend who often flaked on me when we'd have lunch plans. I finally got that under pretty good control with her, but I felt like I shouldn't have to play hardball with her like this. I love her but she doesn't seem to have a good grasp on the whole healthy boundaries thing.
I guess I should just tell her "I don't like to chat late in the evening, so I wish you wouldn't call me so late."
Anyone else have anyone in their life like this and if so, how did you handle it?
And before anyone points this out, I know this is a trivial problem and that it sounds silly, but I'm just baffled by it.
That bit about contacting you the moment she sees activity online from you made me groan out loud, literally. THAT would annoy the hell out of me, but then I'd immediately put a stop to it (politely, I'd only escalate it if necessary). In your case I'd simply not answer.
This is my heartless advice (not to you but your friend): Stop giving needy people easy access to you. Let them work for it by ignoring their thoughtless actions. Sometimes they are hoping what they did for you in the past is payment for access to you. You have to draw the line.
.It feels like she's sitting there with her phone in her hand and the minute she sees that I'm awake, she calls me. Because she's a night owl and bored and her husband is already in bed.
More likely she has a notification set up to alert her when you post something. Yes, it’s annoying, but I don’t think it’s stalking.
I had a friend who would call late, and I told her that my phone is set to go on Do Not Disturb at 10pm, so I dont hear any calls after that time.
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On social media, you should be able to control if people can see you online. I know FB does. Youcan select specific friends also. I’m on the fence about this because I’ve been guilty of being a needy friend. Although, she should be respecting you not to call so late at night.
I think ignoring them or blocking them without explaining their behavior is bothering you is passive aggressive behavior. If they ignore the boundaries given to them, then say something like talk later or set a time to chat or hang out.
Sometimes people have a hard time forming close friendships and she see you as a close friend
On social media, you should be able to control if people can see you online. I know FB does. Youcan select specific friends also. I’m on the fence about this because I’ve been guilty of being a needy friend. Although, she should be respecting you not to call so late at night.
I think ignoring them or blocking them without explaining their behavior is bothering you is passive aggressive behavior. If they ignore the boundaries given to them, then say something like talk later or set a time to chat or hang out.
Sometimes people have a hard time forming close friendships and she see you as a close friend
Thank you. Yes, I think we BOTH consider each other a close friend, but I don't even want to talk to my HUSBAND at 11 pm, and I sure don't want to talk to anyone else that late.
You know - I got up this morning a bit before 7, which is actually late for me - I'm an early riser. I immediately thought, "Oh, I need to call X back." BUT I DIDN'T CALL HER THAT EARLY BECAUSE I KNOW SHE SLEEPS LATE. I mean, I think it would be impolite so I DON'T DO IT. I don't understand why she keeps trying to call me so late when I have already told her "I don't take calls that late." Because I don't.
I don't want to block her or put my phone on mute - I can't do that anyway because I have a terminally ill mother and I also have kids and grandkids who might call me in an emergency. So I do need to keep my phone's volume up. It just bugs me that she keeps on pushing on this, keeps on thinking "Hey, Kathryn's up - I'll call her!"
I don't want to block her or put my phone on mute - I can't do that anyway because I have a terminally ill mother and I also have kids and grandkids who might call me in an emergency. So I do need to keep my phone's volume up. It just bugs me that she keeps on pushing on this, keeps on thinking "Hey, Kathryn's up - I'll call her!"
Grrr.
If it's a smart phone, the Do Not Disturb is perfect for this. I have mine set so that the only calls I receive are from the people in my "Favorites" list. So you can set yours up so that your mother, her caregivers, and your kids and grandkids can all call and you'll hear it, but everyone else is sent to voicemail.
She doesn’t have to go out of her way to stalk you on Facebook, when you share something it shows up in her news feed immediately... that’s how Facebook works! She knows you’re up... You just announced you were up... You and all of her other friends who are still posting at that hour. She doesn’t even have to touch anything it just appears. If she has the chat feature on she may be able to see if you’re online with whether you post anything or not. That’s not stalking, really.
‘Stalking you’ would be discovering this post.
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