What to do when your best friend becomes a negative vibe (husband, person)
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So this is relating my best bud and I. For the past year, my bud has been and is going through some bad patches in life. I feel like his personality has change drastically in a way where before he would be the life of the party to where now, he's always serious and sometimes bad-tempered.
More than my best bud, he's my brother, we've been through so much, and I've been through almost everything he's been through during the past year. These events go from having a family that doesn't support him and really see him as an ATM, to having problems with his in-laws, to having a hard time advancing professionally in life.
I understand and even agree that the changes in his personality are not mood swings that he has simply succumb to, but rather justifiable consequences to a series of bad events.
Being his best friend, I've sort of have become his closest confidant...and part of the problem I'm having is that in a way... i'm sort of carrying his problems with him and is taking a toll on my own personality in a negative way.
I love my brother, and I don't have no intention of walking out of his life or anything like that (not yet..). My problem is, how to I deal with preventing his problems from taking a toll on me. Especially those problems that I have no control over, such as problems he has with his gf and in-laws. In a visual, i feel like i'm a bucket, and he basically opens the faucet and dumps loads of negativity towards me. (not intentional but still).
I hand't realize this was becoming such a problem, until recently. I took some vacation time from work and went out of the country with my SO, and during that time... i had minimal contact with my brother, which i notice that not hearing about his problems made me feel so light and at peace.
I have talked to him about all this, which during the time I told him, he basically broke-up and effin cried in front of me, which made me feel like crap but basically he told me i was one of the only people who truly had his back and while he knew stuff was happening, he didn't realize the toll it was causing on me.
Focusing on ME, is it egocentric that i'm focusing more on my well-being than being there for someone who has ALWAYS had by back? Is it self-fish that maybe one solution is to not walk away completely, but simply begin to be distant with him? I don't want to be a bad friend, but honestly, i feel that whenever i spend time with him, rather than making me feel good about spending time with him, it makes me feel stressed out/unhappy.
I have a dear dear best friend who was always willing to listen and when I was going through a rough time i used her as a dumping ground until one day I saw the horror on her face and realized my pain became her pain. I stopped and sought out a professional counselor. I value my best friend and yes if I’m having a grumpy day she will listen and vice verse but that is the exception not the norm. My friend and I talked it through and asked each other what we wanted with our friendship and what we wanted was to get the fun back into our friendship.
You are not being selfish, you are recognizing that your relationship is becoming unhealthy and you are not helping either one of you by ignoring that. If you want to be a good friend then talk about how you feel and that you are talking because you value your relationship. Woukd your friend consider counseling? What sort of fun things do you do as friends?
I also have a close friend whose brother is less than a normal stand-up guy. They both grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. My friend stayed in school, got married went to college has a great job and family. His brother dropped out of school, lived by his (ileagal) wits, never had a career, had a drinking problem, has been married 4 times, kids from each that he never took care of, the list goes on.
My friend has always been there for his brother and is even now seeing him weekly in retirement. I don’t know how he did it, but he did. It wasn’t easy for him but neither was the alternative. I have to say that my friend was sustained in prayer and it was just his way. I’m not saying you have to do the same. Just wanted to share. Good luck, I know it’s not easy.
There's such a thing as care fatigue, that even professional therapists have to guard against. You need to plan time-outs from the constant barrage of grief from your friend, plan some self-care strategies, get your own support network, and yes, suggest to your friend, that he see a professional counselor, while letting him know you'll also be around for him. But it's fair enough, to say that you can't bear the entire burden.
BTW, just wondering: you say he has in-laws, but you also mention his "gf". What's up with that?
He needs to talk to a counselor about what is going on with him.That is what they are there for...so that way it doesn't take a toll on his friendships with others.
I hand't realize this was becoming such a problem, until recently. I took some vacation time from work and went out of the country with my SO, and during that time... i had minimal contact with my brother, which i notice that not hearing about his problems made me feel so light and at peace.
I have talked to him about all this, which during the time I told him, he basically broke-up and effin cried in front of me, which made me feel like crap but basically he told me i was one of the only people who truly had his back and while he knew stuff was happening, he didn't realize the toll it was causing on me.
Focusing on ME, is it egocentric that i'm focusing more on my well-being than being there for someone who has ALWAYS had by back? Is it self-fish that maybe one solution is to not walk away completely, but simply begin to be distant with him? I don't want to be a bad friend, but honestly, i feel that whenever i spend time with him, rather than making me feel good about spending time with him, it makes me feel stressed out/unhappy.
It's because you are fatigued, drained. Your "reserve" or your buffer is gone. It's not your fault nor is it his. He needs more support than just you can give. This is part of what professional counselors can do for both of you. They have a bit of benevolent distance as well as experience that can help him manage his troubles and improve his situation. They can also teach you how to continue to help him while sparing yourself.
You sound smart - and lucky. It's so great that you spoke up and addressed the problem, and you're so lucky that you got the message across without his being angry or offended.
It sounds like you already solved your own problem and don't need advice. Your not "more" focused on yourself, you're just "also" thinking of you own psyche, and that's reasonable. Now you just have to find a balance with him.
My sister was like your brother. One time after listening I just asked her "What are you planning to do about it since nothing is getting better?" She looked shocked. About a month later she left her husband and filed for divorce. Sometimes talking and complaining prevents a person from taking needed action.
There's such a thing as care fatigue, that even professional therapists have to guard against. You need to plan time-outs from the constant barrage of grief from your friend, plan some self-care strategies, get your own support network, and yes, suggest to your friend, that he see a professional counselor, while letting him know you'll also be around for him. But it's fair enough, to say that you can't bear the entire burden.
BTW, just wondering: you say he has in-laws, but you also mention his "gf". What's up with that?
They get at it due to monetary problems. And then usually both vent to me like if I was the ultimate judge into who is right and wrong...
I know.. sometimes I blame myself for getting too involve. But honestly, i didn't realize how much all this affected me until it was too late..
I'm honestly considering the idea of going to see seek counseling. I will suggested to my brother, and hopefully he accepts. If not, then at least I will do it myself.
Since I've talked to him about this, I noticed he has become a little more optimistic about stuff, so that i think he's trying to become a more positive person around me. Although, now I'm thinking maybe he's just pretending to be OK... idk..
I think the best part of all this, is that at least we are talking about the problem and are trying to find a solution rather than just letting things get worse..
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