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There are some spot-on recommendations and opinions above.
Time to move on. As FairMinded and Ruth4Truth essentially said, look at the road ahead.
Don't stare into the rear view mirrors any longer. You're going to run into something Not Good.
I'll get to the on topic ones later. Thanks for those!
For the rest of the replies that I skimmed. Thanks but I don't need, didn't ask for and don't want advice like "move on" or "get over it". I know this is hard (seemingly impossible) for people to grasp, but I'm not obsessed. I'm not wanting a romantic relationship with my old friend (seriously, we would not make a good couple like that). And I wouldn't ask strangers on the net for relationship advice regardless. Lol No offense intended to those trying to genuinely be helpful, though. I'm sure it would help those poor souls that do need that kind of advice.
Despite the bulk of the weepy, sissy sob stories from some guys, you can be friends with someone you have feelings for. The key issue is communication and trust. Can it suck sometimes? Absolutely, but I'm not some delusional sap. Not everyone will be attracted to everyone else, but you can be an adult and associate with those people still if you both get things out of the way and let life go on.
I ended the friendship because I was lied to for months. And then lied to again when she was "confessing". That was the final straw for me. I sent her an email saying you did all this bad ****, and I can't be friends with you because of the lying and everything tied to that. She agreed that we couldn't as well. Here we are. That's it. End of story. The rest is just backstory I included so people wouldn't have to ask what led up the lying.
My question, since I *know* I'll physically see her again at some point was; if you were in a similar situation, after time passed, could you forgive (thanks FairMinded) the lying at that point and try to rebuild any semblance of a friendship with the person?
As for the why's of what she did, yeah, I understand it. And eventually I'll move on and accept that the reasons for what she did were, in her view, her trying to keep me from hurting and also to keep us on a friendly path. What I will need to do is forgive her once I get to that point. Which won't be hard as I'm not bitter or upset (anymore), but the trust is completely gone and will never come back. That I'm sure of. That will be a bigger hindrance to anything that might happen going forward than the other nonsense.
I understand what you're saying but I also see something else. You say she lied to you because she didn't tell you about her fiance right away. You feel betrayed by that and can't trust her because of it. It's okay, we honestly can't help what we feel sometimes, and our perceptions are often different. What I see however is a person (your friend) entitled to some privacy, and not wanting to lose a friendship that she valued. Do I tell my any of my besties everything that goes on in my life? No. Yes you can't help your feelings for her, you can only help the way you deal with them. Which was very mature on your part. I can't see how your friend broke your trust by choosing to keep something private in her life. You see, you're acting like a betrayed lover here which is not the case. She was carrying on like the friend she always was. You two weren't on the same page, and that's not either of your fault. Are you projecting this feeling of mistrust as really a feeling of betrayal because in your mind she was your girlfriend?
It's okay to feel angry and disappointed by the loss of your dream, but it's not okay to punish someone for not being able to return your feelings. It's human nature to want to lash out and punish someone who has hurt you, deserved or not. We've all done it. You had a great friendship for 20 years, and except for this one glitch, it probably would have continued on that path. Once that raw emotion is gone maybe you can find a way back to that friendship? It just seems a shame to diminish all that good over one, one sided mishap. I'm still sending you hugs because I know you're hurting.
OP it's very difficult to lose a friend like this. When you have a deep friendship a part of them is ingrained into you heart and even into your brain. It's like grieving a death. It takes a long time to get over it.
I had a friend like this, and we remained in the friend zone. But he too lied to me and I left this friendship. It actually took me 7 months to leave this friendship because of his insistence. But I left this friendship. I could never trust him again. Forgive him? Absolutely. Hang out with him again? Never.
I do see him at mutual friend's functions occasionally and it's just a small temptation to hang out again, but I can't trust him and never will. I am bowing out of more functions that I know he will be attending. Did I miss him? Do I still miss him? Yes. Terribly. I would wake up from dreams of an ordinary day of normal hang outs, fully believing his lies never happened. Until I had my first cup of coffee and realized it was just that dream again.
It's been a long time now, and I know I did the right thing leaving this friendship. What you will do is your choice, to try to be friends or end it. It's a painful choice either way, but it's your choice.
You will miss her and it's evident you miss her, that's understandable. But consider, you might just miss who you thought she was, not who she is. At least that's true for me.
Thanks, Kaye, your reply is just what I expect to run into. I know I'll see her at some sort of function or just out on the town at some point. And I'm not going to avoid the mutual people we both know just to not see her. Those people didn't do anything to me, so why should I remove them from my life just to potentially avoid some awkwardness? (Rhetorical question)
When you saw your friend at those functions did you attempt to speak to him? Or him to you? I'm not going to go around trying to avoid her, but I don't want to see her either. Especially not right away. I'm not ready to forgive, yet, but I'll get there.
Eventually I just won't care anymore, but by that point, I'm not sure if there'd be anything left to try and rekindle anyway. One of my other female friends thinks she'll contact me in the future and try to patch things up. I can see why she thinks that, I don't know that I'd be open to that though. Depending on when that contact may come.
Either the OP already posted this under a different username or someone else documented a very similar event.
This obviously happens to a lot of people - see KayeKaye post on the previous page for one example. You could probably search the internet and find millions of similar stories. It's life. But no, I've never posted on the boards before this.
I'll get to the on topic ones later. Thanks for those!
For the rest of the replies that I skimmed so you only read what you want to hear?. Thanks but I don't need, didn't ask for and don't want advice like "move on" or "get over it". I know this is hard (seemingly impossible) for people to grasp, are you calling us dumb? but I'm not obsessed.uhm, who is posting a novel here? I'm not wanting a romantic relationship with my old friend (seriously, we would not make a good couple like that). oh really??? hahaha, sure!! And I wouldn't ask strangers on the net for relationship advice regardless. you just did. Lol yeah, LOL
Despite the bulk of the weepy, sissy sob stories from some guys, you can be friends with someone you have feelings for. the only weepy, whiny story is yours
I ended the friendship because I was lied to for months. didn't you say you wanted to pull back because you couldnt stand being near her and not have her? And then lied to again when she was "confessing". DRAMA That was the final straw for me. I sent her an email saying you did all this bad ****, DRAMA and I can't be friends with you because of the lying and everything tied to that. DRAMA She agreed that we couldn't as well. Here we are. That's it. End of story. YES, MOVE ON!!! The rest is just backstory I included so people wouldn't have to ask what led up the lying.
I like you. You are very entertaining and the more you post and offend us, the more you show your real self. Right on!!!
Animalcrazy you have a great outlook on things. Too bad we can't just sit down and have a chat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy
Are you projecting this feeling of mistrust as really a feeling of betrayal because in your mind she was your girlfriend?
Nope. I just don't like being lied to. She was wrong and she knows she was wrong or she wouldn't have apologized for lying to begin with. Lol this one would definitely have NOT apologized if she didn't think she was wrong. I'll say that with 100% certainty.
I like you. You are very entertaining and the more you post and offend us, the more you show your real self. Right on!!!
I don't even know who the hell you are, but since the mods keep deleting your replies I'm going to just go ahead and put you on ignore now and spare myself your inanity. Have a good day!
Last edited by Foggy HalfNelson; 09-28-2017 at 09:55 AM..
Reason: grammar
OP, what if you were in her shoes and you had a close friend who told you they had feelings for you? Would you continue on as though nothing had changed? I was on the receiving end of this a few times, it becomes awkward when you simply don't feel what they feel. I can't imagine handling it the way she chose to. Would you have secretly dated and gotten engaged behind her back ... had the tables been turned?
Me? Been there done that and I told them the truth. I wasn't in the same place they were. I wasn't mean about it, but I was honest. Did things continue on, no, but not because I cut them off, we just drifted apart over time.
I don't believe in lying (or omitting) to spare someone's feelings either. You can't control how someone well feel or react to anything so why try? They'll find out whatever you're trying to hide in time anyway and when they do, what are the odds you'd be thanked for your "kind and thoughtful" deed?
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