Parents That Play Favorites with Adult Children? (presents, member, present)
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Confronted. Yelled at. Had them try to turn others against us. We have kids and it does impact them. Thanks for the compassionate eye roll. Hope you feel better.
Confronted. Yelled at. Had them try to turn others against us. We have kids and it does impact them. Thanks for the compassionate eye roll. Hope you feel better.
Sorry, just how you worded it, it sounded like you were not serious. Still this is probably not so good for the kids to be around. People do go low or no contact even with kids involved. Turning people against you for setting boundaries is serious business, kind of sick.
Sorry, just how you worded it, it sounded like you were not serious. Still this is probably not so good for the kids to be around. People do go low or no contact even with kids involved. Turning people against you for setting boundaries is serious business, kind of sick.
Thanks. I agree, it's not good for the kids to be around it. We did go low contact with them and we keep things to the bare minimum but we still have to play along to some degree, more then we would if we didn't have kids. It's a pretty sad and messed up situation. It would be easier if we lived far away. I think the op will be much better off living in another state.
Last edited by MissTerri; 03-07-2017 at 10:49 AM..
My sense from what the OP has posted is that this strategy wouldn't work. Notice how her parents gaslight her, and belittle her feelings. These are not parents who care.
The odd thing about families like this is that often it's the lackluster child who gets exalted as the favorite. It could be a simple thing like birth order, or maybe s/he had teachers who praised him/her in gradeschool, so the parents got the idea that child was some kind of genius. Or maybe it was the lone boy in an old-fashioned family that believed boys were more important.
And often when this kind of thing is going on, there's another child who gets scapegoated, even if that's the truly brilliant child who has been exemplary through school and later life. If that's going on, and the cold response to the OP's concerns raises that red flag IMO, the OP may be dealing with narcissistic parents, of whom this type of pattern is typical.
OP, aside from the focus on your brother, do your parents tend to be wrapped up in themselves? Does one (or both) of them tend to dominate conversations, and interrupt you in conversations? How many siblings are there, btw?
This could be a page directly out of my life complete with my younger brother being the "lackluster child." He was the golden child and could do no wrong. I think my mother had this evil plan to keep him week and needy so he'd never leave her. They had this sick codependent relationship until she died and left him without a meal ticket.
There is nothing you can do to change your mother or the way she treats you OP. You can only change the way you deal with her. I chose to move on to greener pastures vs dealing with the dysfunction. You can't make someone love you, but you can love yourself. I'm not saying that you should kick your parents to the curb like I did, but I do think you should treat them the way they treat you. Give just as much as you get and try to become indifferent to them. You're beating a dead horse and causing yourself a lot of unnecessary grief trying to convince them to treat you the way they treat your brother.
I really appreciate all the different perspectives. I just wanted to say that I would never deny my child the opportunity to be with his grandparents, whether they take one or all. She invited him because he's much older than the younger 2, and the falls would be easy to navigate with an older child. My point is that, she didn't say, hey what are you guys (as in the family) doing today? We're all going to the falls if you all want to come. We are not a busy family. We don't have extracurricular stuff going on. We work regular 8-4 Monday thru Friday jobs, with open weekends. We're getting ready to move out of state, 600 miles away. I've told my husband I won't be back to visit. If they really want to see us, they can make it their business to plan that. I'm tired of being 2nd best to him. It's hard to be able to give people on a forum a good insight to what I've experienced. I think I know what needs to be done, I just don't want to be that person. I don't want to isolate myself from my parents. I want to be included in their lives. But I often end up hurting no matter what I do. Deep down, I really don't think my mom likes my husband. We've been together for 11 years. She's never flat out said it, but I always feel like he has to walk on eggshells around her. She seems fake nice to his face. She gets offended easily, over REALLY stupid things too. What do you do in a situation like that?
My mother makes my life miserable if she does not like the person I am married to or dating. If I want to have a relationship with my parents, I have to couple up with someone she likes.
My mother makes my life miserable if she does not like the person I am married to or dating. If I want to have a relationship with my parents, I have to couple up with someone she likes.
Or you could not let them rule your life, and live it as you see fit.
@Stagemomma - Yes! We would have all gladly went. Any invitation from my mom is usually a yes from me. I get really excited when, and if she invites my family places. My SIL and I can be in the same room, and such...we are just cold towards each other, but that wouldn't make me not want to be around my other family. It's funny because she talks to my husband, but we literally NEVER talk to eachother.
I really think this move is going to be so beneficial for us. It is already beneficial in the sense that my husband and I are making more money, moving into a newly built home, in a beautiful subdivision with great schools. I'm really grateful to have this opportunity for our family. I have realized I need to move on with my life with, or without her. I don't HAVE to be subjected to her favoritism, and I'm mad at myself that I've let it bother me this long. I'm 28 years old, and it's time I put this behind me. I won't make mention of her behavior to her any longer. The ball will be in her court after we move, and there it will stay.
I really think this move is going to be so beneficial for us. It is already beneficial in the sense that my husband and I are making more money, moving into a newly built home, in a beautiful subdivision with great schools. I'm really grateful to have this opportunity for our family. I have realized I need to move on with my life with, or without her. I don't HAVE to be subjected to her favoritism, and I'm mad at myself that I've let it bother me this long. I'm 28 years old, and it's time I put this behind me. I won't make mention of her behavior to her any longer. The ball will be in her court after we move, and there it will stay.[/quote]
I'm glad that you feel this way, OP. My husband and I moved our little family 1400 miles away and it was THE BEST DECISION EVER. Being away from the drama of my family of origin has done me a world of good and has made the family that my husband and I created much stronger and happier. We moved a little more than 18 months ago and we are now about to take our 4th trip back to see everyone- this actually my 5th, as I went back for a medical thing for a parent. What they don't know is that I am going to tell them that this will be the last trip until at least one of them comes to see us out here.
I have an older brother who was/is favored by our mother. He was an absolute a$$%^&* to me when we were growing up and caused me a lot of emotional pain. Years later my mother admitted that she and my father should have done more to protect me from his verbal abuse but it was too little, too late. And I told her exactly that, among other things. I think she thought that because he was my brother that it was less harmful than if the abuse was coming from a kid at school, etc. She didn't realize that it would always cause me to have a deep resentment and not ever be really close to my brother. If he'd come to me as a grown up and told me that his treatment of me was wrong in every way, our relationship would be completely different. He never did and you know why he didn't? Because no one ever told him that it was wrong.
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