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It sounds like she's made peace in her way. I wouldn't give her any additional information she doesn't request. You could write the letter while it's on your mind, and just hold on to it until she asks to know more about her father.
Her family disowned her for changing her middle name, right? I don't think hearing about the baggage from 60-70 years ago is going to add much value to her life. She's moved on emotionally. Making excuses may just estrange her again. Just enjoy your budding relationship with who she is now.
It sounds like she's made peace in her way. I wouldn't give her any additional information she doesn't request. You could write the letter while it's on your mind, and just hold on to it until she asks to know more about her father.
Her family disowned her for changing her middle name, right? I don't think hearing about the baggage from 60-70 years ago is going to add much value to her life. She's moved on emotionally. Making excuses may just estrange her again. Just enjoy your budding relationship with who she is now.
The truth is, a lot of bad parents also had bad parents themselves. It's a fairly common story. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother, but her perspective is a lot different - and from her view, she didn't have a great biological father and then effectively got disowned by his family when she changed her name to honor the real father-figure in her life.
I agree with the others - she's made her peace in her own way, and if she wants to know more, she will ask you. Giving her all of this information without her asking for it (and particularly if it seems like you're just trying to defend your brother) is likely to do more harm than good, both to her personally and to whatever evolving relationship you might have with her.
I think you should write some of it down and keep it. I also think you should make an effort to stay in touch with her. If you spend time together, even if it's via email or phone calls, she may eventually start asking questions.
We've had a very similar situation unfold. My husband's mother was terrible--she abandoned him when he was about 8 and only showed up occasionally after that. When she died, her sister contacted us and managed to shed a lot of light on why his mother had acted that way. As it turned out, their mother had abandoned her children (this was in the 20's/30's) and run off with another man. Their father was overwhelmed and sent the girls to live in an orphanage with hateful nuns. I really do think it helped my husband to have some context. The aunt has since died but we both feel grateful that she reached out.
What you are proposing is a letter that would essentially invalidate your niece's feelings regarding your brother/her father. Why do that?
Bottom line is that your brother took the easy way by repeating bad patterning. He was weak. It takes strength to change that sort of legacy. No doubt it didn't just start with his father.
She appreciated your validating her feelings by basically saying that your brother and your father royally messed up. To go further risks making excuses and giving him a pass.
Support your niece and move forward out of the past.
Thank you for your considered opinions. To clear up something, she changed her middle name and her last name. Both changes really hurt my mother and my brother. My brother moved past it but my mother never did. As it turns out she changed her name again eventually to honor her dying father who had no sons. Her thinking at the time was to keep the name alive but now her children have their father's last name. I didn't ask too many questions. I'm wondering if she has had some identity problems with so many name changes.
I loved her dearly when she was a young child and I was a single woman. I visited as much as I could and I remember how devastated my brother was when the marriage dissolved. But he was mostly to blame and I actually remember hearing my mother say "smartest thing she ever did" when his wife kicked him to the curb. Then my mother turned right around and disparaged the wife.
I think I will write the letter and hold onto it and nourish this new relationship. I will do everything I can to not cast any shade on her mother who I also once loved very much.
What you are proposing is a letter that would essentially invalidate your niece's feelings regarding your brother/her father. Why do that?
Bottom line is that your brother took the easy way by repeating bad patterning. He was weak. It takes strength to change that sort of legacy. No doubt it didn't just start with his father.
She appreciated your validating her feelings by basically saying that your brother and your father royally messed up. To go further risks making excuses and giving him a pass.
Support your niece and move forward out of the past.
It is not invalidating feelings to provide facts and context. The niece feels what she feels and she has a right to that. To provide more information does not excuse what he did, but it could alleviate any feelings of worthlessness or rejection that are often felt by people in her situation. I've witnessed firsthand the absolute turmoil of someone who was abandoned by his parents and he was constantly wondering about his own self-worth. He thought there was something wrong with HIM for them to walk away and that he maybe deserved it.
NK's niece sounds like an emotionally intelligent and gracious woman, but further evidence that her father was the damaged one is not going to invalidate her feelings.
It sounds like she's made peace in her way. I wouldn't give her any additional information she doesn't request. You could write the letter while it's on your mind, and just hold on to it until she asks to know more about her father.
Her family disowned her for changing her middle name, right? I don't think hearing about the baggage from 60-70 years ago is going to add much value to her life. She's moved on emotionally. Making excuses may just estrange her again. Just enjoy your budding relationship with who she is now.
This is wonderful.
OP I found what your mother said to be pretty cruel and self absorbed. Let's see she took the name of the man that raised her as his own. Instead of keeping the "family" name. Your mother should have looked at this from your niece's point of view.
My late uncle also had his ex-wife take my two cousins away and years later remarried. He spent his vacation time visiting them every year and sent child support.(And this was back in the 60s before it was so mandated like it is today). Sorry, lot of excuses in regards to your brother.
You have restablished contact, things are going smoothly, don't muddy the waters.
How about if you just be her aunt instead of your brother/mother's advocate? Focus on YOUR relationship with her, and finding out who she is, not theirs.
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