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I don't know why because she never told me, but my daughter won't have any contact with me and won't let me see my granddaughters. She use to at least send me things on<snip>social media and send me school photos, but now she doesn't do that anymore. She lives in Florida, I'm in NY. My sister lives near her in Fla but we haven't spoken in 30 yrs (she testified against me in divorce court so I lost custody of my kids- I think she was having an affair with my husband tho I couldn't prove it. He's still her "faaavorite brother in law.") I think she has influenced my daughter a lot. She has more money than I do and is always taking them on trips and out to dinner, which I can't do. I'll occasionally send a greetings to my daughter, like for Christmas or Mother's Day, but get nothing back. I sent birthday cards to my granddaughters with a check but she must have thrown them away because the checks were never cashed. I'm just so upset.
You lost custody of your children and your daughters life was turned upside down. This isn't about you and yet you're making it about you. This is about the children that you lost custody of and your inability to rebuild your relationship. You're the parent...you hurt your child...your child doesn't want anything to do with you and like it or not, it's her choice.
Does it hurt? I'm sure it hurts like hell..but sit down and be honest with yourself and think about what you did your children. This isn't about an affair. or divorce or someone 'buying' your child...this is about what YOU, an adult, did to your minor children. Maybe your sister is beign the mother they needed/wanted/lost/
leave your child alone. She knows where you are and when she wants to she'll reach out.
As mother I can only imagine the pain I'd feel if my kids didn't talk to me. I think you have some soul searching to do.
Families are extremely complicated and the ideal of "happy" family is probably only 10% of the actual families in existence. But we all feel bad because we think our family is a failure. Seriously, how many happy families do you actually know and do you REALLY know them or just the facade you see?
Lots of dysfunctional families look great on the outside, you never hear about problems until all of a sudden they are divorced or you find out their kid wasn't in college they were actually in drug treatment (or jail). You know who they are on FBook, everyone's always posting pictures of their big parties or vacations. They are trying reallllly hard to show how great their life is.
When you look at your family do you ever ask yourself if you'd have them as friends if you weren't related? If so then congratulations. The rest of us choose the relative we actually want when we get married (not counting the in-laws here, just the spouse).
as a daughter who has severed any ties with her maternal mother, please understand, there may be so much more here that this woman has experienced but doesn't want to share....
I'm only asking that you not be critical....and be sensitive to her plight....I'm certain she knows her daughter much better than we do....(just saying)
and she shouldn't have to explain the whole story....
Understood, but why come on a public forum and feed us only tiny bits of information if you want honest feed back?
That seems a bit manipulative don't you think?
I like the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I think that statement about how she only wants a small relationship with her daughter is terribly sad. Without her explaining why then we are left to read between the lines.
Yes I had a toxic, malignant mother. Would she ever admit to it had we had an honest conversation? I doubt it. Just as the OP may not recognize what behavior caused her daughter to not want anything to do with her.
I'm the other side of the coin and I'm just trying to give her insight into a damaged beyond repair relationship I had with my own mother and the way I think about it.
Valuable or not, it is a different perspective, and very real.
If it is her daughter that was mentally ill or chemically dependent then I would think she would want to get the kids away from her asap.
If her daughter wants nothing to do with her and is a stable and good mother, then that puts a different spin on things all together.
as a daughter who has severed any ties with her maternal mother, please understand, there may be so much more here that this woman has experienced but doesn't want to share....
I'm only asking that you not be critical....and be sensitive to her plight....I'm certain she knows her daughter much better than we do....(just saying)
and she shouldn't have to explain the whole story....
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Understood, but why come on a public forum and feed us only tiny bits of information if you want honest feed back?
I don't know why, that is her business, isn't it? And I'm not being a wise guy...just answering your questions.
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That seems a bit manipulative don't you think?
I don't see it that way.
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I like the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
well the whole truth, isn't my business, I try to shoot from the hip, to the best of my knowledge.
Anything other then that is up to them, however, I refuse to be condescending about it, b/c she doesn't want to tell the whole story, doesn't dictate to me, she is lying....
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I think that statement about how she only wants a small relationship with her daughter is terribly sad. Without her explaining why then we are left to read between the lines.
maybe but I don't want a relationship with my mother, so is that terribly sad? You don't know until you walk in their shoes.
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Yes I had a toxic, malignant mother. Would she ever admit to it had we had an honest conversation? I doubt it. Just as the OP may not recognize what behavior caused her daughter to not want anything to do with her.
again, we don't know that, and some people fear opening up, just b/c of being persecuted verbally.
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I'm the other side of the coin and I'm just trying to give her insight into a damaged beyond repair relationship I had with my own mother and the way I think about it.
well, I say again, respectfully, regardless of what you and I have been thru, no matter what the situation, there are always and forever, unseen circumstances that don't apply to our situation. She gave what she felt she should and we should respect that.
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Valuable or not, it is a different perspective, and very real.
I'm not suggesting it is or isn't, what I'm suggesting is, I've been writing in this forum for many years...and when people get nasty, believe it or not, it scares some people. Before posting a problem, they probably come and and read other posts....and honestly, there are some very cruel and judgemental people posting in here, so why post your entire life story, and take the chance of being torn apart with words? There are different ways of saying things...which I myself am trying to learn...it is not in our place to judge her, the only thing we can do, is help her if we can with support and love. We all make mistakes, big ones and little ones....so...
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If it is her daughter that was mentally ill or chemically dependent then I would think she would want to get the kids away from her asap.
Easier said then done...
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If her daughter wants nothing to do with her and is a stable and good mother, then that puts a different spin on things all together.
yes, it does, but that doesn't give us a free ticket to judge or be nasty...or hurt others with words, we don't know the situation, none of us do...
I'm just saying this to remind people that a little diplomacy and kindness goes a whole lot further then being ugly to someone, and so what if she would be making up this story?
I noticed after writing in here, and other forums, I've coped an attitude from people being very nasty...and it has been slowly waking me up to loose the attitude and be kinder, b/c I don't know if this woman is telling the truth, but what if she is? If she isn't no skin off my back, but at least I know I can go to sleep at night, knowing I tried my best to be thoughtful....that's all.
as a daughter who has severed any ties with her maternal mother, please understand, there may be so much more here that this woman has experienced but doesn't want to share....
I'm only asking that you not be critical....and be sensitive to her plight....I'm certain she knows her daughter much better than we do....(just saying)
and she shouldn't have to explain the whole story....
I don't know why, that is her business, isn't it? And I'm not being a wise guy...just answering your questions.
I don't see it that way.
well the whole truth, isn't my business, I try to shoot from the hip, to the best of my knowledge.
Anything other then that is up to them, however, I refuse to be condescending about it, b/c she doesn't want to tell the whole story, doesn't dictate to me, she is lying....
maybe but I don't want a relationship with my mother, so is that terribly sad? You don't know until you walk in their shoes.
again, we don't know that, and some people fear opening up, just b/c of being persecuted verbally.
well, I say again, respectfully, regardless of what you and I have been thru, no matter what the situation, there are always and forever, unseen circumstances that don't apply to our situation. She gave what she felt she should and we should respect that.
I'm not suggesting it is or isn't, what I'm suggesting is, I've been writing in this forum for many years...and when people get nasty, believe it or not, it scares some people. Before posting a problem, they probably come and and read other posts....and honestly, there are some very cruel and judgemental people posting in here, so why post your entire life story, and take the chance of being torn apart with words? There are different ways of saying things...which I myself am trying to learn...it is not in our place to judge her, the only thing we can do, is help her if we can with support and love. We all make mistakes, big ones and little ones....so...
Easier said then done...
yes, it does, but that doesn't give us a free ticket to judge or be nasty...or hurt others with words, we don't know the situation, none of us do...
I'm just saying this to remind people that a little diplomacy and kindness goes a whole lot further then being ugly to someone, and so what if she would be making up this story?
I noticed after writing in here, and other forums, I've coped an attitude from people being very nasty...and it has been slowly waking me up to loose the attitude and be kinder, b/c I don't know if this woman is telling the truth, but what if she is? If she isn't no skin off my back, but at least I know I can go to sleep at night, knowing I tried my best to be thoughtful....that's all.
Words really hurt some people....
I agree that she shouldn't have to give specific details, but it's hard to give any kind of advice with such limited insight into the situation. Okay, she lost custody; it was 30 years ago and the details don't need to be shared, but it would help to know if she maintained visitation, and/or if she tried to make amends with her daughter and accepted accountability on her part. Those questions can be answered without sharing details that are too personal and painful.
Frankly, I believe that the biggest contribution to estrangements is unwillingness to name and acknowledge what we did to the people we wronged, without pointing the finger at other people. If the OP can do that with her daughter, maybe some real forgiveness and healing is possible.
I'm sorry countrykaren but we usually reap what we sew in relationships. You and only you know why you lost custody and why your own sister took some one else's side.
Idon't talk about OP or you but there is sadistic family members who are envy or they have some other bitterness inside their mind to start to attack on other family members. It could be that there is no anything what 1 would do but maybe had more friends, better at school, prettier or some other "insane" reason to hate their siblings.
Not all families are perfect and sometimes there is clear sadist-victim setting.
I agree that she shouldn't have to give specific details, but it's hard to give any kind of advice with such limited insight into the situation.
The truth is this isn't the right place for ANYONE to get advice about serious family issues like this. The best advice for this woman is not "tell us more on this very public forum" but "find a good marriage and family therapist or someone else in the real world who can help you gain perspective on the situation."
Based on what she said in her OP, it doesn't appear that she is even asking for our advice. It sounded to me like she is just upset about it and wanted to vent. Nothing wrong with that. She didn't ask a single question, just stated a few things about the situation.
So, OP, do you actually want advice, or did you just want to vent? Just asking, because if you do want advice, it would be very helpful if you would provide more details.
And if you just want to vent about how upset you are, let me just say that I am so sorry you are unable to have the contact you want with your grandchildren. That has to be very upsetting.
I don't think your sister can influence your daughter if she didn't already have some kind of issues with you. Sometimes, parents don't realise what they think of as nothing, is indeed Something to children, which remains subconsciously til their adulthood and eventually acted out.
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