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Just 5 more days. I wake up each morning with the new count. It's my mantra. The move out date is set, just 5 more days.
She is packing, I try to help her pack, help her arrange things. I ignore the comment, "Hopefully I'll die before my money runs out" and continue to help her pack.
I work from home, there is no separation. I have no place to go to, no place to be safe in this situation. I have my weekly therapy sessions, which is a bright point in my week, but that's it. This week I need to be home 24/7 for work, meaning I can't leave the house. Wonderful timing.
Just 5 more days.
I am afraid all of the time in my own house. Took some therapy to determine why, it's because she can hurt me very easily. It scares me that she has such power over me. I'm working through ways to get past that, not allow her to hurt me any more, but it's hard when you live together. I've come to a greater understanding of the power my mother has over me. She's nurtured this manipulative relationship my entire life, with plenty of work done in my early years. It's going to take time to remove those hooks. It will go a lot easier when she's not living with me. I've read books on Toxic Parents, BPD, and ways to heal. I'm getting there. I wish I could just say "NO MORE" and have it vanish.
Sometime I stay awake a night wondering if I'm doing a mean thing. Wondering if I'm doing the selfish thing. But then I realize it doesn't matter when it's the right thing. I imagine how things will be when I remove this point of pain and manipulation and fear from my every day routine and it feels good. I imagine redefining our relationship going forward...not being foolish into thinking we'll ever have a normal mother/son relationship...I think that one isn't in the cards...but maybe we can figure something out. Some day.
Just 5 more days.
She makes comments of "I guess I'll just be alone from now on", and I remain calm and reassuring. Of course I'll visit. I know she does this as part of her guilt manipulation, but I don't become defensive, just reassuring. But of course it hurts. She's good at that.
She needs a couple of articles of furniture in her new place, so tells me "I guess I'll just have to go without, who knows when you will be able to spare some time for me." I remain calm, inform her that yes, I will help her pick it up and help her set it up. But it will have to wait until a week or two after the move. She doesn't respond. She never acknowledges my responses, probably because I'm not being defensive and guilty. She doesn't like that.
Just 5 more days.
She's supposedly in therapy, I don't know if she actually goes, but I know she set it up. I'm hoping her therapist is seeing unhealthy behavior and helping her get through these issues.
It's been a hellish year so far. I am exhausted. I count the minutes every day until my wife gets home or my children get home and I can be "rescued" from the fear. My mother is always different whenever someone else is there.
I have the moving truck reserved, friends ready to help, I just have to make it 5 more days.
Comments such as these is your mother trying to bait you and garner your sympathy. It's probably been going on so long that it's a reflex on both your parts. She does it because she gets something out of it. For manipulative people, this is their sport and entertainment, and the game takes two, so stop playing into it. Do not reward bad behavior. This does not make you mean or selfish.
It's NOT up to you to "fix" whatever it is she's complaining about. I imagine she enjoys hearing what great lengths you will go to solve these "problems", so don't take the bait. If instead of trying to fix whatever it is, try just agreeing with her, or saying something innocuous like "from your lips to God's ears". She won't find that nearly as satisfying. It's the same way with people who will say ridiculous things like "I'm so ugly" just so they can hear people say "you're beautiful" over and over.
Just because she says something doesn't mean you automatically need to respond to it. Instead, you could say something totally of the wall like "Oh look, a bird!" and run to the window.
"Hopefully I'll die before my money runs out" - this would be a good one to agree with. No one wants to outlive their money.
"I guess I'll just be alone from now on" - don't try to "fix" this for her. Put the responsibility ball back in her court. "It's up to you. Some alone time is always nice."
"I guess I'll just have to go without, who knows when you will be able to spare some time for me." - Score! Good job with that one. She didn't respond because you won that set!
Just from the stuff you're relating here, you will be much better off without her emitting toxicity into your homelife. Don't react, just nod, keep pushing her out the door. Hang in there.
Just from the stuff you're relating here, you will be much better off without her emitting toxicity into your homelife. Don't react, just nod, keep pushing her out the door. Hang in there.
Good advice here.
Remember, OP, you can't control what other people do. You can only control your reaction.
OP, I agree with what you did. But what are your plans for after she moves out? Are you going to visit with your mom still? How are you going to deal with how she interacts with your children?
I hope she doesn't go mass killer on everyone at the last minute!
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