Parents who compare their kids. (father, husband, siblings, children)
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My mom loves to brag about her kids, especially the overachievers. She brags about them to me too. She and my dad split up when I was a baby, and I ended up living with my dad instead. My dad passed away in a car accident right before I graduated high school. I had no financial support in college, and worked 40 hours per work on top of going to school full time. My grades slipped horrendously. I used to be a 4.0 student in high school. Then I met my husband. We dated for 2 years and got married. I was so stressed with the work load plus having to keep up with school so one day I just put my hands up in the air and surrendered "pshh, forget school. I'm taking a break." I always knew that I would go back, after I take a breather.
Well, shortly afterwards, I had my first baby and my second soon followed. I was occupied with the two kiddos and wanted to stay home with them. I worked part time and my husband was (and still is) the primary bread winner. I make good money though gotta say, $27 an hour. At least its good enough for me. So I finally went back to school since last year and my mom is always belittling me, comparing me to my step cousins and now my sister who is a junior in college. She keeps saying that my sister will be finished with school soon, and if I had tried harder, I probably would've had my degree a long time ago. Those words dont help...at all. Yes, I know I've screwed up, but at least I am trying my best now. Its almost like she is putting salt to the wound. I adore my sister, but also dreading the day that she graduates because I wont hear the end of it.
I asked her to babysit the kids so I could go take an exam, and when I came back and stayed for awhile, I heard her talking to my stepdad. My stepdad was surprised that I was back in school and asked my mom what I was studying. She responded absentmindedly "probably examining corpses." Had no idea where she got that from. Basically, despite me going back to school, I am being treated like an outcast just because I didnt graduate on time and took the traditional route. My siblings who grew up with her (from her second marriage) are entitled. They only work 8 hours a week to earn pocket money. They dont pay rent or bills. She brags about how they do well in school. If my dad didnt pass unexpectedly, I'm pretty sure he would've offered me the same lifestyle. In my case, its called tough luck and I just had to do what I needed to do to survive.
Gosh, I wish people, actually its only my mom who's giving me a hard time, other people can care less, would give me a grip.
It doesn't sound to me like you screwed up! It sounds to me like you put in a huge if unrealistic effort to go to school AND work, both full time. But you were only 18 and had just lost your dad and had no family support. Give yourself a break and some credit! Doesn't sound like you've ever had or ever will have proper validation from your mom. Just give that up and keep on going at your own pace. Best Wishes to you!
It doesn't sound to me like you screwed up! It sounds to me like you put in a huge if unrealistic effort to go to school AND work, both full time. But you were only 18 and had just lost your dad and had no family support. Give yourself a break and some credit! Doesn't sound like you've ever had or ever will have proper validation from your mom. Just give that up and keep on going at your own pace. Best Wishes to you!
+1. OP, the only one with issues here is your Mother, not you.
It's your mom that has a problem. She uses the other siblings to make her feel better. Don't please her. What did she do for you? Be happy for you and your family!
Your mother is terrible! You are not a screw up and survived the best way you could. And you are doing dust fine. Without parental help (why didn't your mom step in to help you with college after your father died?!).
It seems she had some animosity to your dad or their situation that has spilled over onto you.
Do not let her poison in anyway diminish all that you have accomplished, which is amazing. Do you know why custody was given to your Dad?
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I don't get it. I see no screw ups. Sounds like you've made a life for yourself. You should be proud, it's sad that your mother isn't.
I know it may be difficult but if I were you, I'd begin getting comfortable with paying less mind to her opinion and not needing her approval. That'll of course require putting more emotional distance within your relationship but it'll save you from feeling that she is toxic to you. It takes a lot of practice to not care and it hurts, especially at first but it will likely be better in the long run.
She would still be telling me I was damaged, my oldest brother he is perfect, and my middle brother did better than she thought he would.
If i had her in my life that is.
If I were you I would think long and hard before exposing your children to this pattern.
That's when I finally managed to sever with my mother, when I had my daughter and she pulled the BS in front of her like she wasn't even sitting on my knee.
I could protect my babies from her and I did, and you know what - the woman herself has never bothered with them, in this day of Facebook and Skype, they still don't know her. Or the Expected to Fail's kids either, and they just lived round the corner.
She's all over the Perfect Brothers kids, they are her "real" grandchildren to both her own mind, and the world. Its bizarre.
I am so, so thankful my kids barely know her. She's toxic.
But yours might be a great grandma, not many are as bad as my maternal parent is.
In which case you need to stay calm and draw clear boundaries. You need to model that for your children.
Last edited by cindersslipper; 10-31-2015 at 02:44 PM..
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