Can't get along with sister (father, guilty, person, roommate)
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I'm sorry for the length but I had to open an account to ask about this.
Ever since my sister and I were young we did everything together but I always felt as if though there was some type of thing between us. I mean we slept in the same bed in our childhood and then the same room. We were almost inseparable but only because we moved so much and our parents were paranoid and strict so we never got to socialize much. When I made friends I tried to distance her but my mother would make me take her and I do feel guilty for being so angry and negative about that. She was very attached to my schizophrenic father that when my mother left him and he fled the country she tried to go with him but airport security wouldn't allow him. I always hated him and she loved him which I already thought was weird from a young age. Dont get me started on the **** he would do but when I made fun of him she would be upset with me. Moving on ever since I was young I shared everything I had just because I was never that into material goods and I thought to spread what I had with people I cared for. However she always has been stingy about everything, like I got a huge gift for my birthday by my grandparents and it was right after my father fled and I noticed my mother was sad so I paid for us to go to niagra falls. Btw I was 9/10 years old but anyways and I bought her an 80 dollar snowglobe and my other sister and myself some headphones. Anyhow at the hotel my sister and I had forgotten our headphones in the car and I needed to listen to a video on YouTube at night and didn't want to wake anyone so I borrowed this ones headphones while she was sleeping. The next day she saw them still connected to my computer so she threw the headphones off the balcony after she threw a tantrum. Another time I bought her a water bottle (voss) and she left it in the fridge forever and I came back from cheer on a hot day and poured myself a glass and she flipped and threw it out of the window. Not much has changed she's the same person now at 18 years old, very selfish and always throws tantrums. I've moved out with some roommates and she is in college in another state but she still has my mother drive 12 hours to bring her to buy a sandwich and then go back. You can't make this stuff up, she always judges me says I'm a ***** because Im polyamorous and have a fluid sexuality. Or I'm a drug addict for telling her I smoked weed when I went to Amsterdam and California and drink socially. Or I'm a heroin addict because I was given morphine in the hospital when she ran me over with her car "accidentally" she "didn't see me". I have a healthy relationship and a great career and I'm still furthering my education trying to work towards my graduate degree. I've never been happier and she still tries and says horrible things to me. When I tried to talk it out with her she flipped it on me and said that she cut herself because we fought when we were younger. She did cut herself when she was in high school because of bullying in school but I went to the guy that was bullying her and befriended him and he not only apologized but he included her in things she was left out of before and she said it was because he saw her as a person and had nothing to do with me?! I let him feel me up for that!! Lol no but really and she has the audacity to say I made her self harm? What??? And she still does. She has a part time job and still gets money from my mom which would be fine but my grandmother just passed and had no life insurance and my mother had to pay out of pocket for her funeral costs. I gave her half of it 10 grand! Out of my savings and my sister comes over to my place this weekend and calls me selfish for not taking her to an expensive restaurant to celebrate her coming to see her. LOL she's clearly delusional but I feel so bad because I know she probably has issues (don't know what kind other than being a *****) but my mother really wants us to get along. I'm so sorry for the rant you probably didn't even read I'm just venting for myself at this point oh and sorry for the language and grammar again just for myself so I get it off my chest. If I'm being totally honest I'm kind of over our relationship, my other sister (she's 6 years younger when this ones 3 yrs younger) we get along so well and she's so laid back and friendly and generous just like I was at her age. It sucks because I thought sisters were so close and should be forever but honestly I'm just over this and I don't really want anything to do with her. How do I get over this sucky feeling of rejecting her texting me and coming over and just cutting her from my life? I feel so guilty for more than one reason and I don't know how to change that.
If your father is schizophrenic, it could be possible that your sister inherited that.
At the very least, she doesn't sound like she has any coping skills and it's coupled with her melodramatic self-centeredness. Your mother is enabling it, unfortunately. It does not mean you have to enable your enabling mother. Tell your mother that you've tried, but cannot and will not put forth such tolerance for rude behavior anymore. You do not need to engage her (avoid arguments, it'd be pointless anyway), just be respectful and mindful and just blow her off when she gets in that mode.
It sounds like you and your sister lack relationship "skills". I don't think you can learn them from your family and don't expect your sister to follow in your steps.
Guilt is a natural human emotion that everyone experiences at some point or another. However, for many people, intense or chronic feelings of guilt or shame cause great distress. Proportionate guilt is guilt for an action, decision, or other wrongdoing for which you must take responsibility, and that other people may have been negatively affected by. This is the healthy guilt that can spur you to correct wrongdoings, creating social cohesion and a shared sense of responsibility.
Disproportionate guilt, on the other hand, is guilt for things that you cannot take responsibility for, like other people's actions and well-being, and things you cannot control, like the outcomes of most situations. This type of guilt causes us to dwell on our perceived failures, creating shame and resentment. Whether your guilt comes from a past wrongdoing or arises incidentally, there are steps you can take to resolve these feelings.
If your father is schizophrenic, it could be possible that your sister inherited that.
At the very least, she doesn't sound like she has any coping skills and it's coupled with her melodramatic self-centeredness. Your mother is enabling it, unfortunately. It does not mean you have to enable your enabling mother. Tell your mother that you've tried, but cannot and will not put forth such tolerance for rude behavior anymore. You do not need to engage her (avoid arguments, it'd be pointless anyway), just be respectful and mindful and just blow her off when she gets in that mode.
I totally agree with your analysis, though I differ a bit on the advice. I would simply tolerate her. What I mean by that is: lower your expectations way down and just be civil towards her. Don't expect her to be civil back - she's not there yet. But to be honest, you don't sound very mature. I wonder if you are still in college, because if you're over the age of 25, I'm afraid you have some maturing to do, based on your OP.
It also sounds like you really, really, really need to cut the cord. So does she, but you're older. You need to psychologically distance yourself from your mom as well as the damage your dad has caused your family. Make no mistake, if your dad is a diagnosed schizophrenic, he's inflicted some serious damage on to your family, because diseases like that just do that. By no means am I suggesting you avoid your family. I am saying to be independent, not just physically (since you don't live with your family) but emotionally.
One of you is going to have to take the high road. Might as well be you, since you're the one posting.
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