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How do I explain to her that I'm glad she cares so much about her and that she has been a top notch mother yet she should find other aspects to include in her life besides us?
"You are a wonderful mother and always have been. We will always love you, but we want to be treated like the adults you helped us become, not children. You need to let go and focus more on your own life.
Actually I agree with you. I certainly would NOT say "most" women devoted their lives to their children to the point of not building one of their own, but I certainly know more than a few. Even some of my own family members and friends. Furthermore, I used to teach at a university and I met many mothers who absolutely were still micromanaging the lives of their "children" when these young adults were already in their twenties.
I also can't tell you how many times a woman my age tells me something about one of her adult children and I think, "I would never have shared that with my mother in a million years. None of her business." And this mother not only has the info, she's out and about talking about it to people her kids may not even know.
I also can't tell you how many times a woman my age tells me something about one of her adult children and I think, "I would never have shared that with my mother in a million years. None of her business." And this mother not only has the info, she's out and about talking about it to people her kids may not even know.
Yep.
It's not a generational thing at all. It's what's known now as helicopter parenting, a personal tendency or parenting style that usually rears its head early in the childbearing years and frequently becomes the modus operandi even when the children are adults. Then it takes two to tango.
OP, your mom is who she is, she is not going to change. You can only change yourself. You have to create your own independent life, including areas of privacy to be zealously guarded. You draw and maintain the boundaries. That will be nigh near impossible as long you're living under her roof.
I'm the mother of two 30-something sons. I'd describe my lifelong parenting style as "benignly neglectful", and I'm sure they'd agree. That said, if either had remained in my house past the age of 20, I'd have reluctantly been all in their business. A 23-year-old who chooses to live in his/her parent's house has issues that can't be blamed on the parents. You're behaving like a teen who wants all the privileges but none of the [financial and other] responsibilities of adulthood. Don't blame your mother for playing her part in the game you've chosen.
Last edited by biscuitmom; 08-20-2014 at 11:58 PM..
I also can't tell you how many times a woman my age tells me something about one of her adult children and I think, "I would never have shared that with my mother in a million years. None of her business." And this mother not only has the info, she's out and about talking about it to people her kids may not even know.
That happens with friends of mine as well. I get like "how on earth did he/she tell such a private thing to his/her mother?".
My mother has always been very protective of my brother and I. I'm 23 and live with her. My brother is 31 and he lives with his partner. She divorced our sperm donor a few months ago after 33 years of marriage.
She's 54 and has a job (she's has been a teacher for 3 decades). However, I've never liked how she has always said my brother and I are "her life". I think being someone's life is too much of a responsability to put on your children. Her personal life is basically her children's personal life. I could accept if she said we're the most important part of her life. But the problem is she doesn't have any friends to go out with or any hobbies because she has always dedicated her whole free time to us.
The thing is, as you can probably imagine, we are grown ups and need her less and less. She's not intrusive to the point of interfering or wanting to know eveything. If she starts asking too many questions about where I'm going or who I'm going with, I tell her to stop and she will. However, I know she gets all offended on the inside over that.
The same happens when she finds out something about my brother's life (usually something very insignificant) that he didn't tell her. I've told her he's not obliged to tell her everything and that doesn't mean he cares any less for her. Like I've said before, she doesn't interfere in their life, she's kind to my brother's partner, she doesn't show up (she's has only been in his house a handful of times so far).
How do I explain to her that I'm glad she cares so much about her and that she has been a top notch mother yet she should find other aspects to include in her life besides us?
IMHO, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. She seems like a normal Mom whose child lives with her. When she asks questions, she might just be making conversation. For example, what if a roommate of yours (not your Mom) asks what are you doing tonight? It sounds like a normal question. But it seems like for you, when it comes from your Mom, she is being nosy.
Also, you say, at times, she seems hurt when you are not willing to give her information. Perhaps it is not because you won't tell her but the tone or your defensive nature that makes her feel badly.
The truth is, she shouldn't have to tiptoe around her own house with her own daughter. Unless she is asking outrageous questions, e.g., "when was he last time you had good sex?" I wouldn't worry about it.
It sounds like you just feel guilty for some reason. You shouldn't. Just live your life and show some respect for your Mom by not being rude when she asks questions that you deem inappropriate.
IMHO, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. She seems like a normal Mom whose child lives with her. When she asks questions, she might just be making conversation. For example, what if a roommate of yours (not your Mom) asks what are you doing tonight? It sounds like a normal question. But it seems like for you, when it comes from your Mom, she is being nosy.
Also, you say, at times, she seems hurt when you are not willing to give her information. Perhaps it is not because you won't tell her but the tone or your defensive nature that makes her feel badly.
The truth is, she shouldn't have to tiptoe around her own house with her own daughter. Unless she is asking outrageous questions, e.g., "when was he last time you had good sex?" I wouldn't worry about it.
It sounds like you just feel guilty for some reason. You shouldn't. Just live your life and show some respect for your Mom by not being rude when she asks questions that you deem inappropriate.
Son.
...
She's back to work after the holidays and finally accepted an invitation to go out from her colleagues at school. I hope she keeps going out and meets other people to stay busy.
It's my personal choice. If I know house sharing wouldn't work with me, there's no point in trying. I also can't live on my own for now with these rents. Seems like you have an agenda.
No she doesn't have an agenda. She is just wondering why you are willing to stay dependent. Most people WANT to grow up and strike out on their own. It is ALWAYS easier to just stay home and let mommy foot the bills, but most don't just lie back and opt for what is the easiest. That's the point. It does sound silly to real adults.
Ask yourself this: when AM I going to move out? When rents come down (don't look for that to happen)? When I am 30? 40? 50? When someone else comes along to take care of me?
As soon as you move out too, she can't be in your business that much anymore. She will realize that it's time to get her own life.
Oh Snap! Exactly.
OP, sometimes a parent saying that their children are their lives is not meant to be taken literally.
She may simply be trying to have a conversation with you, since you do occupy her space.
I think at times adult children take anything a parent says as parenting, because as long as you remain in the child role, under her roof...you will react to her defensively.
You didn't say....But does she cover all expenses, and still cook your meals, do your laundry? She may be too tired to go running around.
And, give this some thought.....You seem to know everything she does...How is that, seems a case of the pot calling the kettle.... You may be too involved her her life....You think?
My mother has always been very protective of my brother and I. I'm 23 and live with her. My brother is 31 and he lives with his partner. She divorced our sperm donor a few months ago after 33 years of marriage.
She's 54 and has a job (she's has been a teacher for 3 decades). However, I've never liked how she has always said my brother and I are "her life". I think being someone's life is too much of a responsability to put on your children. Her personal life is basically her children's personal life. I could accept if she said we're the most important part of her life. But the problem is she doesn't have any friends to go out with or any hobbies because she has always dedicated her whole free time to us.
The thing is, as you can probably imagine, we are grown ups and need her less and less. She's not intrusive to the point of interfering or wanting to know eveything. If she starts asking too many questions about where I'm going or who I'm going with, I tell her to stop and she will. However, I know she gets all offended on the inside over that.
The same happens when she finds out something about my brother's life (usually something very insignificant) that he didn't tell her. I've told her he's not obliged to tell her everything and that doesn't mean he cares any less for her. Like I've said before, she doesn't interfere in their life, she's kind to my brother's partner, she doesn't show up (she's has only been in his house a handful of times so far).
How do I explain to her that I'm glad she cares so much about her and that she has been a top notch mother yet she should find other aspects to include in her life besides us?
you live and eat from her and you complain ?
Look at your tone your mother asking you a question is interfering!
and she say that you and your brother is her life and you find it as a responsibility? I feel so sorry for your mother having a ugly minded daughter like you. For me it is a blessing that my mother hold me and say you are my life. Of course we are. We grow up in her belly for 9 months. She feed her breast milk so what is the matter saying you are my life. Yeah you don't like it because that is your mom saying.
So at the end girl you decided to stay mommy house there play her rules. your mother will be your mother weather you like it or not. See when you become a mother and your kids treat you the same way, like you do to your mother today. promise me that you will drop a crying post that your daughter finds you that you are disgusting mother with a arrogant tone. I am peacefully waiting to read. If you want to complain go by live your self.
Last edited by Zeurich; 09-14-2014 at 01:17 PM..
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