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My parents constantly fight and bicker. My mom especially, starts fights about anything, mostly very trivial stuff. Lampshades, yogurt, golf balls, etc. The dumber the topic, the more likely she is to go off about it. She can be downright mean about important stuff. When my sister got pregnant, she told her she hoped she didn't keep the baby. When I was buying a house, she wondered aloud why I thought I "deserved" to own my own home. She's nasty to my dad about health stuff like his hearing loss. I hate taking them out to eat or visiting them because it always involves a fight about where we are going, my driving, my job, etc. However, if I don't take them out they guilt me about it. It's not really a new thing, it has been like this for as long as I can remember. My dad used to be a lot meaner to me, but now he's cooled off. However, my mom has gotten a lot worse. Tomorrow my sister and I are having a Father's Day party for my dad and my grandpa, and it's started a battle between my mom and dad.
In every other way they were great parents, but this nasty fighting stuff really wears me out. I moved back to MN be near them to help them out as they get older, but now I regret it. I am scrambling a bit to figure out how to reverse my decision and move back to California. This is just a rant I guess. Do other people have parents like this? How do you manage them?
Well, I have no personal experience with this, since my patents have always gotten along very well. I'll add my opinion anyway, because it seems like you could use advice and I assume you're fairly young.
You need to let them know how much this bothers you, and tell them that they're making life so unpleasant/uncomfortable for you that you're thinking of going back to Cali. From what you said, it sounds like your mom is the bigger problem or instigator. I'm not sure if you should call her out on that if so, but it's something to consider. It is certainly mean of her to criticize your father for health problems that he can't help, and what she said to your sister is pretty despicable IMO.
It's good that they've been good to you other than the fighting, but the fighting had to make things very tense for you while you were growing up. Perhaps you could take them aside separately and have a little talk about your feelings to each of them one-on-one. If you let them know that you really can't handle being around it any longer, perhaps that will make a difference. IDK if you've discussed this problem with them before, but if not they might not even be aware of how noticable and upsetting their arguments are to you.
If they don't listen, you shouldn't feel guilty at all about leaving a toxic situation that your parents refuse to address. Good luck to you, you sound like a caring person who shouldn't have to deal with such BS.
Your heart was in the right place but you are not obligated to tolerate abusive, bully behavior just because they're parents. And your mother sounds like a nasty enough person that I suspect you can't really change the situation. If you want to return to California where you were obviously much happier then I think you should make them aware that you are highly considering it.
I'm not young. This is the first time I've been nearby my parents for a while, so I didn't have to deal with their behavior for more than a weekend for a while. I'm not sure they are nasty. They keep the fighting amongst themselves or within our immediate family.They are really nice to my other relatives, friends, random people in the street, my one sister who lives very far away, etc. Which is partially why it's weird.
They often remind me of George Costanza's parents on Seinfeld. Which made me think it's common, if there are media stereotypes. Its just weird to me now because I know a lot of other people and their parents and they are not like this. However, I guess I wouldn't know for sure because people probably wouldn't guess mine act like this either.
Move far away again. It only gets worse as they get older.
My mother has always been mean and nasty and it's gotten worse since she retired, since she no longer spends time around people she has to be nice to, so she's forgotten how to be nice to anyone. My dad has dementia and there's no point in arguing with him, but my mom spends all her time arguing with him, or complaining to me about how she had to argue with him. When I spend more than two or three hours with my parents, I end up so exhausted that I want to sleep around the clock the next day. My sisters both moved away so they wouldn't have to deal with our parents anymore. Out of a sense of obligation to be there in their old age, I stayed. Now we've got commitments here and we can't just pack up and move away from my parents. I had to take care of them both for a month last year because my mother got a serious infection, and my dad can't stay alone. I was having health problems of my own, but my mother insisted that I couldn't leave them alone long enough to go to the doctor. By the time one of my sisters came into town to watch them so I could go, I ended up in the hospital and had to have two blood transfusions. And my mother wouldn't speak to me for a month because I made them go back to their house with my sister when they wanted to continue living in my house so I could cook, clean, and watch my dad.
I've come to the conclusion that my mother will be the death of me if I don't limit how much I help her. She is not without resources to hire help if she needs it, she just doesn't want to spend anything when she can get me for free.
So anyhow, move away before they get to the point where they really need you.
My mother is extremely unpleasant, always has been. She is controlling and critical, bossy. She is generally pleasant to strangers but there have been times when she has not been, OR she has said ridiculously embarrassing things about us to people in front of us. She is mentally ill, and while I understand that, it doesn't make time with her more pleasant.
I also moved far away, which helped me put some emotional distance between me and mom, but then I had kids so the grand parents wanted to be involved. Eventually I just had to say to my Mom "Please don't talk like that in front of my kids". Or "Little pitchers have big ears" or "It upsets the kids to hear you talk like that to/about Grandpa". She really had to stop and think about what she was saying. It helped a lot. Sometimes it made her mad at me but I survived. My sister in law had some success by saying "Is that really necessary?" That was good because she wasn't putting any particular judgement on what Mom was saying, but it forced Mom to be more self aware.
In your case (no children?) you might undertaking a training program. Spend time with Mom and Dad until someone says something offensive. Point out the inappropriateness of it as simply as possible, then change the subject. Do that as many times as you can stand it, then excuse yourself politely and walk away. Don't argue your point or try to engage her in a debate about her behavior. Just walk. Try again another day. If your parents want to spend time with you, maybe they'll find they are capable of watching their mouths.
My mother is extremely unpleasant, always has been. She is controlling and critical, bossy. She is generally pleasant to strangers but there have been times when she has not been, OR she has said ridiculously embarrassing things about us to people in front of us. She is mentally ill, and while I understand that, it doesn't make time with her more pleasant.
I also moved far away, which helped me put some emotional distance between me and mom, but then I had kids so the grand parents wanted to be involved. Eventually I just had to say to my Mom "Please don't talk like that in front of my kids". Or "Little pitchers have big ears" or "It upsets the kids to hear you talk like that to/about Grandpa". She really had to stop and think about what she was saying. It helped a lot. Sometimes it made her mad at me but I survived. My sister in law had some success by saying "Is that really necessary?" That was good because she wasn't putting any particular judgement on what Mom was saying, but it forced Mom to be more self aware.
In your case (no children?) you might undertaking a training program. Spend time with Mom and Dad until someone says something offensive. Point out the inappropriateness of it as simply as possible, then change the subject. Do that as many times as you can stand it, then excuse yourself politely and walk away. Don't argue your point or try to engage her in a debate about her behavior. Just walk. Try again another day. If your parents want to spend time with you, maybe they'll find they are capable of watching their mouths.
In your case (no children?) you might undertaking a training program. Spend time with Mom and Dad until someone says something offensive. Point out the inappropriateness of it as simply as possible, then change the subject. Do that as many times as you can stand it, then excuse yourself politely and walk away. Don't argue your point or try to engage her in a debate about her behavior. Just walk. Try again another day. If your parents want to spend time with you, maybe they'll find they are capable of watching their mouths.
Ok, I'll try. Usually this approach turns into a big fight.
However, your last comment got me thinking. Based on their behavior I am not sure they actually do want to spend time with me. They did not visit me very much over the past 10 years. Maybe I'm the problem?
They often remind me of George Costanza's parents on Seinfeld.
Serenity Now!!
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