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We always hear people say "I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so" or something similar.
Why would you "hate to say" it? Doesn't it feel really good to have made an educated prediction which later proves to be right? I personally find it a wonderful feeling.
It's not about feeling enjoyment at someone's misfortune, it's about feeling good because I predicted something that came true. But somehow, this good feeling and the phrase "I told you so" has gotten all mixed up with schadenfreude, feeling pleasure at someone else's troubles or pain, or mixed up with self-importance or smugness. I say that's not fair or accurate. Most of us feel just as much pleasure, maybe even more, in saying "I told you so" when something good happens to a person!
When we can predict that something is likely to happen, bad or good, it helps up survive and succeed in life. Being able to foresee negative consequences to one's actions or inactions is a valuable life skill. Sometimes we learn that skill from someone else who can foresee things we can't, and they point it out and warn us.
So if I have a friend who bought an expensive fancy car, but back when she asked my advice, I said to get a Honda Civic, but she got the expensive care, and now it's constantly costing her an arm and a leg, and she's complaining, what's so wrong with "I told you so"?
If I have a friend who said he'd never find the love of his life, and I had advised him about where and how to approach compatible women, and now he's getting married as an indirect result of having followed my advice, why wouldn't I exclaim "Yeah! I told you so!"?
If 3 years ago, I predicted several problems that would arise out of the Affordable Care Act, and people disagreed with me, and now they've all come true, don't I deserve an "I told you so"?
If some sort of policy change happens that affects my company, and it's in meeting minutes that I predicted this over a year ago, and we took some preventive action, can't I feel good about that?
When I say "I told you so" it's never about rubbing someone's face in their own misfortune. I wouldn't do that. I also would never do that if something tragic resulted (I'd never say "I told you so" to a friend who ended up date-raped after going out with a guy I got the creeps from, or to someone who just killed someone by driving drunk). Those examples might be about hurting someone further, or about taking pleasure in their misfortune. But to genuinely reinforce a lesson I hope the person should learn? Yes, I'll say "I told you so."
If someone asked my advice, and then took a path I had said might be a bad idea, and there were negative results, I might explain again why I advised what I advised. It's a "teachable moment," no? I don't go around handing out unsolicited advice, so this would only be people who asked for my input and then disregarded it, or people I'm very close to, whose success in life I am emotionally invested in.
Some of the best lessons I had as a kid and young adult involved some sort of "I told you so" or "What did I tell you would happen?" from my parents.
I just had to post this, because I just again heard someone say "I hate to say I told you so..." because it's such an "ugly" thing to say. It's not.
Even my best friends like to use this phrase on me, and to be honest it's a very belittling phrase. Even when I know well that the decision I made was the correct one, it's so dumb when someone decides to drop the bomb on you. I try and keep my relationships peaceful so I don't really go nuts when someone says it but it hurts inside.
Many of the times friends only know so much of the equation in your life. In the end you are the one who is living it, and know every single little detail of the decisions you make. Sometimes, they may be right, but only you are the one who knows the whole story.
the whole "i told you so" thing is just a perfect example of the hindsight bias...of course you will be happy to admit you are right when the events have played out.
Its just rubbing salt in the wound of the person now in a bad situation because the person failed to heed your advise.. kind of a nasty thing to say ....
Disagree greatly. It's smug and pompous and you are talking pleasure in someone having had something bad happen to them.
You may have been correct, but to take pleasure in it is quite a negative personality trait. I would guess you don't have a lot of true friends with an attitude problem like this.
It sounds smug and superior, and it does nothing to help the person you're saying it to. Really, it's just a snotty, ungracious thing to say.
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Originally Posted by rchan
Even my best friends like to use this phrase on me, and to be honest it's a very belittling phrase. .
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas
Its just rubbing salt in the wound of the person now in a bad situation because the person failed to heed your advise.. kind of a nasty thing to say ....
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Originally Posted by ScarletG
Disagree greatly. It's smug and pompous and you are talking pleasure in someone having had something bad happen to them.
Yep. Just going to park my ditto here. I think everyone else covered it fairly well.
Often, nothing is need to be said at all. They know that they were given heads up on the consequence of their actions and when those consequences come to pass, they know that they were warned and they know by who. One of the first things that comes to mind is that, I sure wished I had listened to my parents or whoever told them not to, or that mom said that was going to happen. Of course they will never or rarely say, yeah you warned me. But to look in their eyes and see that facial expression speaks volumes in itself. They know they messed up and they know you warned them, but nothing is really need to be said unless you just like rubbing it in.
I second all of the above. If you want to say it when something good happens, I suppose it's fine, but I don't think it's ever anything but self-serving to say it when something bad you predicted happens so best not.
I do get what you mean, though. The only time I say anything like it is over something external, like if I say I bet that woman is going to sit there because of blah blah and she sits there, I might just chuckle and say see, what did I tell you? Because like you said, it's fun when your predictions come to pass. But that's not anything personal. Personal matters, nope.
It's unnecessary to verbalize.
Just today my best friend met up with me-
he could've easily said this to me about something he advised me on....
I waited for him to say it.
He just smiled gently & didn't.
I asked him why he's
not rubbing it in that I made a mistake-
he said he felt no need to make
me feel any worse.
That's a true friend.
Again, I made it very clear that I wasn't talking about saying it to rub salt in someone's wound or to take pleasure in their misfortune. I'm taking pleasure in the fact that I accurately saw something coming.
Is it bad to feel good about being right? If that were the rule, we couldn't feel good about having gotten a 100 on a test, or about picking a stock that ends up rising.
I beg to differ with those who believe that "I told you so" is always bad, without exception. What about the exceptions I gave in my OP?
So let's say you have a snotty teenager who thinks he knows everything. You remind him to write himself a reminder so he doesn't forget all the stuff for his school project on Friday. He pulls an attitude on you, saying "Mom, God, stop it, I know! I'll handle it! I won't forget! Stop nagging me!" You remind him again during the week, and get the same response, On Friday he leaves for school and forgets some of the things he needed to bring for his project. Wouldn't you say "I told you so" or "What did I tell you?" Sure, it's not pleasant to hear someone say it, but most life's lessons are not pleasant. That teenage boy was actually a girl, and the girl was me. I learned that lesson, and to this day, I ALWAYS give myself reminders to not forget things, by entering stuff on my calendar, leaving myself a post-it, or sending myself an e-mail. And I hardly ever forget things I'm supposed to do. I NEEDED to hear that "I told you so" from my Mom, and I'm grateful for it.
What about this one: (some details changed to protect identities)
I'm in management, but a step below the exec level. Over a year ago, I warned the exec mgmt that a new policy change was coming that would affect our company, mostly in the form of grueling audits that could cost us a lot. I had proposed a plan to implement procedures A, B, C, and D to get the company ready for this. One exec guy pompously said I was crying "the sky is falling" and it would never happen. He's been working much longer than I have, blah blah blah. He really belittled me in front of other mgmt. As a result, I was only given the resources to carry out A, B, and part of C, but not D or the rest of C.
Now over a year later, exactly what I said would happen is happening. Because I implemented A, B, most of C, and figured out how to go around others to put most of the "D" safeguards in place, our company is now in a good position for these new audits and regulations. People pointed out how I had said this would happen last year, and I was right. The CEO even publicly acknowledged it. The pompous exec was not only wrong, but loudly wrong, and he had treated me like a little girl who didn't know what she was talking about. Now if you were in my position, isn't some form of "I told you so" warranted?
In general, I am against rubbing salt in anyone's wrongness, but if the person is arrogant and pompous toward you about their opinion, and you end up being right, aren't you justified in a simple, polite, "I told you so"?
For the people who say it's never helpful, you might need to re-think that "never." My mom's "I told you so" was helpful to me, as I learned something that benefits me to this day. My "I told you so" to the nasty executive was helpful in that now people might listen to my opinions more, for the good of the company, and maybe the guy will learn to not belittle other members of mgmt. and act like he knows everything, because he ended up with pie on his face.
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