Moving back to the same city where my toxic parents live? (person, member)

[Katluver777]

I live out West and don't like it here. The job market is really tough etc. I would love to move back to my hometown where my friends are...but there's a big catch--my toxic controlling parents (will spare you the details about what they have done) live there. And it's only a medium-sized city.
While I've been living out, I still feel like I'm being controlled (ie. Face Time every week) plus they have the funds to regularly fly out here to visit me on short notice. With all those books and tips on how to deal with those types of parents, it's also mention that living far away is a great way to come up with a work-related excuse when it comes to Christmas, but that doesn't work because they'll just have the money to fly out for the holidays. So basically, I'm just thinking that there's no point with this distance...

[Hopes]

It doesn't sound like you cut the cord even though you moved far away. Nobody can force you to have "face time" once a week. Nobody can force you to have them as guests over the holidays. If you move closer, they'll want to have real face time and see you much more often. If you can't say no to them now, you won't be able to say no to them when you're closer. It will only get worse. I recommend staying where you are and don't relocate back to your hometown until after you've mastered stay no from a distance. Don't say you have to work. Say no. You have other plans.

[russlancea]

I know it can be hard, but you really have to say "no", just like Hope said. Don't make excuses. You're out of state now, out of arm's reach, so try it now. Do they know how toxic they are and what they've done wrong in the past? If they've never been confronted, then you can't really blame them for still being controlling.

It can be hard to confront people, especially family members. It's easier to run or move away to another state (not that that was the reason you moved ). Tell them now. When they call your cell for face time, don't answer if you don't want to. Next time you talk to them and they bring it up, tell them the real reason why you don't like talking to them. If they get upset, they get upset. If they hang up on you, oh well. You have to tell them. You can be gentle, but tell them. Confront them and set boundaries with them.

Do it now so that if you do end up moving back home, this will be out in the open. Set up rules and boundaries when/if you move back. It'll be hard if you're a passive, peacemaking type person, but you can do it

[CSD610]

Set boundaries and stick to them. Your parents still control you because you allow them to.
I face time and text and talk to my Mother when I have the time and feel like it. We have a good relationship now but did not have one for many years. I set boundaries, stuck to them and she finally respects that I am an adult and will do as I choose to do.

[Sunnydee]

What you are discovering is that distance is not the answer. What you need to realize is that what you are lacking is boundaries. No one can force you to Face Time with them once a week, accept them as house guests on short notice, or make you spend holidays with them. You need to learn how to say no and stick to it because if you don't learn this soon your parents will control you forever. It'll be difficult initially, but once you've clearly established the boundaries most rational people will comply.

[The Dissenter]

Move back, cut FaceTime, don't tell them at all, problem solved.

[JrzDefector]

Toxic and controlling... We're going to need more details. If you don't comply with their wishes, will they do things to sabotage you? Like complain to employers about your character, or something to that effect? How much does their behavior affect your mental health when you are in contact with them?

I have a friend who developed a serious eating disorder because her parents were "toxic and controlling" - it wasn't until she was able to detach from their craziness that she got better. She still has a relationship with them, but she keeps them at an emotional distance.

If you are going to move back, make sure you've developed a sense of boundaries and emotional distance before you do.

Are you seeing a therapist?

[lynne66]

I don't think people realize how hard it is to just change dynamics with toxic family members. These dynamics have built up over many, many years and the whole thing requires much more subtle maneuvers in order to avoid further trauma to one's self. We are still connecting with the survival parts of our brains left over from our troubled childhoods and it takes a lot of time and work to realize this and get going into different dynamics. What I have done is to decrease contact, which sometimes starts with getting off the phone just ten minutes earlier. Confrontation causes too many problems and when parents get older, they have been in denial for so long that trying to break them out of it can cause more stress to the whole situation. I have found it easier to just gently adjust myself to the dynamics and detach emotionally - then do what I want to do anyway. Sometimes we have to find the greatest sense of peace within ourselves and only then can we deal with walking on the eggshells and doing our own thing anyway. Subtly, these parents will adapt but it requires a certain amount of timing and finesse for some of us. And if we have the guts to just say no, don't come or no, I'm not coming to visit, then more power to us. But until then....tread this path gently on some level.

[ipaper]

Stay gone and stay busy, they would have to be in great shape to catch up with me.

[Southern Star]

Bottom line - they didn't kill you. Toxic? What does that mean? You are still breathing, right?