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pft...she's 16 years old. unfit for her? then SHE SHOULD CLEAN UP.
It's really "unfit" for my mom. There should be like "old people protective services" that would've come and disciplined my siblings for doing what they did to my mom after I left. I came back from college and I couldn't believe it. I mean, yeah, I knew I was the one that cleaned before...but I thought someone would pick up my slack. Nope.
I don't even know how these people function.
It's really odd that you show more concern for your mother than sister. Your mother is the cause of all this, she's set the example and your siblings learned from her well apparently.
These people "function" because you're there to enable and pick up the slack.
The moment your "woman" sees all this and see your attitude about it... if she runs away, she's really sane. You can't help those who can't help themselves.
Maybe take the girl to some model home in a suburban development, and say "Oops, nobody's home!". You can probably set it up with the realtor.
Or save your pennies, find a cleaner with a strong stomach, and pay them $500 or whatever it costs to totally clean the place. Then bring her over.
As for your mom... I did some back of the envelope calculations. We need 2000 to 3000 calories a day to live. One pound of fat contains 3500 cals. Your mom needs to lose about 200 lbs. Thus, you should not feed her for 200 days (but do give her water). Then, after 200 days and a good cleaning, your home will be ready for your princess to visit!
It sounds like you're from a different country and therefore come from a different culture. I want you to know my opinion is coming 100% from American culture standpoint.
Leave, go as far away from home as you can, get a good job and settle yourself as a single man. Make sure YOUR apartment is clean, make sure your life is neat and tidy. When you meet a woman, bring her back to YOUR apartment or house. This is all she is going to care about.
When she asks about your family, tell her they are thousands of miles away in X city, and that maybe some day you can visit them together. Make it vague, but let her know you left because of personal reasons. Don't be dramatic, just say you didn't agree with their way of living, and that you like to be neat, tidy, and have an organized peaceful life and that's not what your family was fostering back home.
Any person, potential physical relationship OR friend, will understand this reasoning. Most people are VERY understanding about this type of thing in the US. Most people who have moved far away from their families have gone thru a similar problem. Some people don't believe the same religion, some people decided to go into a different field of work that their parents disapprove of, and like you, some people are simply embarrassed about the way their family conducts their lives.
What matters is that you get a job and get your own place and form your own circle of coworkers and friends who are a positive influence. When you meet that special someone, take care to explain to her why you moved so far away, but let her know that it doesn't effect how much you love your family, you just simply can't live like them.
Someone who cares about you will absolutely understand. And, when you're ready to introduce her to them, she won't be surprised by the mess she walks into when she does meet them. She will appreciate your honesty, and also appreciate the fact that you were unwilling to tolerate that level of messiness.
This is America, you can only be responsible for yourself. You can't change your family, and your family is in no way a reflection of you as long as you have separated yourself from it.
03-10-2014, 01:58 PM
Guest
n/a posts
What kind of man runs away from his family? If I can't even take care of my own family then no woman worth her salt should want to be with me. That's what I think.
Ugh...Let me go clean up their mess and think of better solutions to this. I'm guessing I'm just going to have to put up the money in the end. I just wish they'd take care of themselves better. It hurts me to see them like that too. And the rest of the extended family, should they figure it out.
It sounds like you're from a different country and therefore come from a different culture. I want you to know my opinion is coming 100% from American culture standpoint.
Leave, go as far away from home as you can, get a good job and settle yourself as a single man. Make sure YOUR apartment is clean, make sure your life is neat and tidy. When you meet a woman, bring her back to YOUR apartment or house. This is all she is going to care about.
When she asks about your family, tell her they are thousands of miles away in X city, and that maybe some day you can visit them together. Make it vague, but let her know you left because of personal reasons. Don't be dramatic, just say you didn't agree with their way of living, and that you like to be neat, tidy, and have an organized peaceful life and that's not what your family was fostering back home.
Any person, potential physical relationship OR friend, will understand this reasoning. Most people are VERY understanding about this type of thing in the US. Most people who have moved far away from their families have gone thru a similar problem. Some people don't believe the same religion, some people decided to go into a different field of work that their parents disapprove of, and like you, some people are simply embarrassed about the way their family conducts their lives.
What matters is that you get a job and get your own place and form your own circle of coworkers and friends who are a positive influence. When you meet that special someone, take care to explain to her why you moved so far away, but let her know that it doesn't effect how much you love your family, you just simply can't live like them.
Someone who cares about you will absolutely understand. And, when you're ready to introduce her to them, she won't be surprised by the mess she walks into when she does meet them. She will appreciate your honesty, and also appreciate the fact that you were unwilling to tolerate that level of messiness.
This is America, you can only be responsible for yourself. You can't change your family, and your family is in no way a reflection of you as long as you have separated yourself from it.
I agree with this. We let our kids go. We raise them to become independent. You need to focus on your life now. You are a grown man. A girl who loves you and cares about you will see you for who you are and love you anyway. She will know that you are different from your family and if you treat her well and love her and put her ahead of your family you will have no problem.
What kind of man runs away from his family? If I can't even take care of my own family then no woman worth her salt should want to be with me. That's what I think.
I don't think most women you date would expect that you "take care of your family." Is that something from the culture you came from? Are you exclusively dating women from that same culture?
If your family were all seriously ill or handicapped and their house burned down or got swept away by a mudslide, then yes, others might look at you and think "he should do something to help his family." But morbidly obese mother who refused to clean the house for years, and adult and late-teen siblings who won't lift a finger to do anything in their home that could probably be condemned by the board of health? Nope, no expectation that you should be helping them.
Setting healthy boundaries and focusing on your own life and responsibilities is not "running away" from your family.
What kind of man runs away from his family? If I can't even take care of my own family then no woman worth her salt should want to be with me. That's what I think.
Ugh...Let me go clean up their mess and think of better solutions to this. I'm guessing I'm just going to have to put up the money in the end. I just wish they'd take care of themselves better. It hurts me to see them like that too. And the rest of the extended family, should they figure it out.
Then fine. Keep cleaning up after them. It makes you happy on some level. Don't complain about it - just put the apron on and get busy! There will be more mess to clean up tomorrow. Every day that you clean the cage - know that you will have to do it again and again and again. I don't know what country your family is from - but it's hard to sympathize with people from a country where housekeepers were obviously paid almost slave labor.
My plan right now is just to clean it all up, pass any girl through this place...and never speak to any of them ever again.
But that's not good. Any girl? Not good. Not speaking to them? Not good.
So tell me what to do.
Move out. You can't change them. It's not your BUSINESS to change them. You've let them know how you feel, they don't care. Refuse to visit them unless the place is clean, then follow through. They can come see you if they want a visit. But they'd better behave in your place.
Don't worry about introducing girls to them. Be honest. Tell her your family are horrible slobs and their place is unfit for human habitation and you refuse to go there. If she HAS to meet them, she was forewarned. Again, they can meet you somewhere out for dinner, but refuse to go there under any circumstances as long as it is a pig-sty.
Any girl worth having won't care how your family lives, as long as YOU take care of business in your own home.
You are going to have to let go of any cultural expectations you have about proper courting if they include having to introduce a girl to your family in their own home. Work around it if possible, if not - accept that it just won't happen and deal with your romantic life on your own. Do you really WANT anybody's opinion about any girl you are dating anyway? From people like that?
You can still love them, but STOP ENABLING THEM. Withdraw. Be polite. Offer to meet them for dinner, even pay for dinner, on occasion. But just remove yourself physically from that environment, and stay out of it. There is NOTHING you can do about it.
You are NOT running away from your family. You are being DRIVEN away, under protest. It is their problem - don't let them make it yours.
It sounds like you're from a different country and therefore come from a different culture. I want you to know my opinion is coming 100% from American culture standpoint.
Leave, go as far away from home as you can, get a good job and settle yourself as a single man. Make sure YOUR apartment is clean, make sure your life is neat and tidy. When you meet a woman, bring her back to YOUR apartment or house. This is all she is going to care about.
When she asks about your family, tell her they are thousands of miles away in X city, and that maybe some day you can visit them together. Make it vague, but let her know you left because of personal reasons. Don't be dramatic, just say you didn't agree with their way of living, and that you like to be neat, tidy, and have an organized peaceful life and that's not what your family was fostering back home.
Any person, potential physical relationship OR friend, will understand this reasoning. Most people are VERY understanding about this type of thing in the US. Most people who have moved far away from their families have gone thru a similar problem. Some people don't believe the same religion, some people decided to go into a different field of work that their parents disapprove of, and like you, some people are simply embarrassed about the way their family conducts their lives.
What matters is that you get a job and get your own place and form your own circle of coworkers and friends who are a positive influence. When you meet that special someone, take care to explain to her why you moved so far away, but let her know that it doesn't effect how much you love your family, you just simply can't live like them.
Someone who cares about you will absolutely understand. And, when you're ready to introduce her to them, she won't be surprised by the mess she walks into when she does meet them. She will appreciate your honesty, and also appreciate the fact that you were unwilling to tolerate that level of messiness.
This is America, you can only be responsible for yourself. You can't change your family, and your family is in no way a reflection of you as long as you have separated yourself from it.
This exactly. You are not going to change your family. If you think your sister's health is at risk, by all means get CPS involved. But you are not going to convince them to stop living like slobs, if they've been doing it for decades. It's NEVER going to change.
The only one who can change is you. And do it by moving far away.
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I agree with this. We let our kids go. We raise them to become independent. You need to focus on your life now. You are a grown man. A girl who loves you and cares about you will see you for who you are and love you anyway. She will know that you are different from your family and if you treat her well and love her and put her ahead of your family you will have no problem.
