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Thank you, both. I'm well aware that she's a user - she primarily uses men, but I can see that she also tries using me. Like stava suggested, I have been backing off. I often work long hours and have had to tell her that she can't just stop by and knock on my door as soon as she hears me getting home from work, so that seems to have stopped.But she did call the past few nights to discuss her dating issues. When she told me about her latest argument and reaction with her boyfriend, she joked that she was crazy, and I didn't argue with her or deny it.
It's tough because I don't have many friends my age anymore who aren't married, so I was really looking forward to having her as a friend. But I just can't deal with much of her needy behavior. I have too many things that I'm working towards to be derailed by her. There is a sense of guilt I feel for not spending as much time with her either, but in some ways she can be unbearable.
Thank you for your feedback. Sometimes I think I'm just too harsh on her and not sympathetic enough.
What do you mean "she tries using you"? Go back and read your first post. She is USING you.
At least you told her to stop coming over when she hears you coming home from work. That's a start.
What do you mean "she tries using you"? Go back and read your first post. She is USING you.
At least you told her to stop coming over when she hears you coming home from work. That's a start.
Once you move, cut ties completely.
That's what makes the OP's post almost absurd is that she hasn't reconciled with the fact that she is being used when it's clear as day from the first post. OP is paying a high price for that friend and doesn't realize it. So, the problem is actually more with her than the "friend".
OP, do you normally have a hard time standing up for yourself? Are you scared of confrontation?
Never be friends with people who aren't friends to you.
I will add to this and say, never be friends with people who aren't friends to themselves.
This girl doesn't seem to have self-confidence or pride in herself. If she did, she wouldn't be glomming onto you so much and trying to live vicariously through you.
So many people are all too happy to have someone like the OP take care of them and provide them with direction and purpose in life. But those people need to be pushed out of the nest and forced to make it on their own, because it's unrealistic and unhealthy to enable an adult to be a child.
It's not so black and white here. Yes she's irresponsible, yes she's immature but people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. You sound like a a person that is a giver. Unfortunately givers get taken advantage of by takers, unless boundaries are set. Your friend has a different way of looking at life then you do and those differences are often difficult to navigate. In her ignorance she probably doesn't realize that she is using you. Have you sat down and had a good heart to heart talk with her about her behavior? My guess is probably not. If she is oblivious to your feelings then how is it fair to cut her out of your life? She stopped coming over when you asked her not too right after work. That tells me that she has respect for your needs. You also said that she was there for you during tough times so she is willing to give back when you need it. It's hard to give to someone that is together, responsible and never seems to need anything. The biggest obstacle in any relationship is over coming the lack of communication. Most of us are not mind readers and do not know if things aren't working unless we're told. Relationships and people continue change and evolve over time. You may find that you like her more at 50 then you do at 30. We all move through our time line with a different pace, and you two are on a different path. Sit down and tell her about your concerns. Give her a chance to treat you the way you need to be treated before you toss her to the curb.
Thank you. I can't help but to feel like I'm an awful person for not wanting to deal with her, but I get tired of hanging out with someone who reminds me of 20-year-old girls.
Maybe you would like the friendship more if all the giving that you do wasn't financially related...seems your friend makes a lot of promises she has no intention of keeping. If you won't call her on them, just don't allow it to happen anymore.
See if she still wants to be your friend if you come minus the money.
It's tough because I don't have many friends my age anymore who aren't married, so I was really looking forward to having her as a friend. But I just can't deal with much of her needy behavior. I have too many things that I'm working towards to be derailed by her. There is a sense of guilt I feel for not spending as much time with her either, but in some ways she can be unbearable.
I was in your exact same spot when I had to make the rather sad decision to cut ties with someone like this. We'd been friends since HS, but I was growing up, and she just stayed the same. As I grew professionally and got more financially stable, she expected me to just step in and take care of things. While I loved her company (and she could be fun to hang out with), I just couldn't take the HS drama and poor decision-making. Eventually I had to cut ties because she was using my stability to justify making poor decisions (knowing I'd make sure she didn't suffer serious consequences), and I couldn't be part of that.
I now have a lovely group of friends who are more-or-less on equal footing as me. Sure, we all have our ups and downs, but we're there equally for each other, and each of us is independent and fair-minded about things. It's actually 'freeing' in a way to hang out with them after being friends with such and emotional and financial leech for so long. So nice to be around people who pull their own weight, and are sane, and listen as well as they talk, I-could-go-on.
You could at least take a breather, and decide if it's a relief, or if you genuinely miss her company. And if it's the latter - what would have to change for her to be a good friend? And is that realistic?
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