Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
People have different attachment levels. Sometimes, I meet people who are all over me like we're best buds within an hour of meeting and they want to go out and tell me about their genital warts and use my sleeve to wipe their nose. Others take time to develop that kind of intimacy.
When you get people together who aren't on the same page in that respect, you'll end up with one feeling harassed, annoyed, or suffocated and the other feeling ignored or rejected. That's why it's best to develop relationships with people who have the same emotional needs and timeline.
It doesn't sound like you don't understand relationships, it sounds like you had a different interpretation of the kind of relationship you had with these women than they did. It happens. However, like Tinawina bobina pointed out, you may need to be more mindful of the way that others interpret your behavior.
The bolded is a problem. You hit it off, started lunching together, talking about things beyond work. You allowed her to confide in you about her personal issues with her boss, she wanted to hang out with you on the weekend. All of that goes beyond the scope of a work relationship, yet you still regarded it as a work relationship.
It should have been clear to you that from her perspective, you were more than coworkers and you acknowledge realizing that, but you didn't behave as if you felt differently and I agree that likely gave her the impression that the attachment was mutual or that you were at least okay with it. Then when you did something that, in her mind, maybe contradicted that attachment (texting instead of calling), she was upset.
I'm on your side with thinking it was unreasonable of her to expect you to call her when you'd never spoken on the phone before that point, but I don't understand why, especially after missing her calls, you texted her again? She already demonstrated once that she was emotional about not being called but you continued to do it. Do you really feel it was out of place when she finally became distant?
In a way, you also had a sense of attachment going beyond the work relationship considering that you expected her to know/care that it was your birthday and to care that you're pregnant. Everyone has different expectations when it comes to relationships. She expected you to call her. You expected her to say something about your birthday and your baby. I'd say you're even.
Ultimately, you made the right decision. If you didn't really want to be friends with her, it was good that you let it go, but understand that you were sending mixed signals and you were also guilty of expecting something that, by that point, it wasn't reasonable of you to expect either (i.e. for her to continue approaching you warmly like a friend after you missed her calls, had weeks without communication, and again defaulted to the method of communication she doesn't favor).
This is different. It's possible she was only spending time with you to keep her company while your kids had playtime, like a playdate for adults. When her daughter was out of the picture, she didn't need to socialize with you because you weren't actually friends.
It seems that your level of attachment to and interest in people fluctuates and maybe you have difficulty dealing with situations where the other person's attachment and interest doesn't do that in the same way at the same times. If you don't feel like talking, it's what's wrong with them that they feel like talking? If you feel like talking, it's what's wrong with them that they don't feel like talking?
Examine whether or not you form connections where your investment in them is constant rather than coming and going and how much you pick and choose which aspects of a connection you feel like sharing in at any given moment to know if it's really reasonable for you to expect that the average person you meet will be able to keep up with that.
Or, I don't know, have some cheese. I ramble.
The bolded part makes very much sense. From prior friendships/experiences I just don't tend to invest much time in relationships anymore. Like I said before, it seems that if the person has something better to do they will ditch you in a heart beat, even if you had prior plans. So over time, I've just learned not to get that deep into a relationship. It's annoying when you have plans with someone all week and then an hour before you are supposed to meet up they say they can't because something better came along. OK. I don't take offense to that anymore because I don't have an attachment anymore. Maybe I'm meeting the wrong people.
It's odd. In romantic relationships, I'm willing to put my heart on the line, to do things for the other person just because I'm into them and not expecting anything in return. If it works out, eventually if the relationship progresses they will treat me the same. In the end the worst that can happen is a broken heart, but I'm OK with that. In non-romantic relationships, I don't do that anymore. I need the person to prove themselves first. Don't tell me 100 times you want to go to dinner after work day, schedule it and do it. Otherwise I just feel like you're blowing hot air and it's not worth my time. This is what happened in this work situation, she would always say, we should do this or we should do that but never actually make a time for it. So I brushed it off as her just blowing air.
You problem is you, not "THESE WOMEN". Stop the damn texting. Call people or answer the phone and listen. BE A FRIEND. Friends do listen, not text.
If you have a problem, you should be able to talk to your friends. That's what they are there for.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
just concentrate on your husband, baby and other shallow people. Seems like you don't need real friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
I am texting all day.
But there is a time for texting and there is a time for a personal conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Don't people get together in person anymore?
These posters are missing the point: she did not see this co-worker as a friend, and she had no desire to be her friend, or to engage in personal conversation with her. This co-worker's expectations of the OP were way too high, even inappropriate, given the actual level of their relationship.
These posters are missing the point: she did not see this co-worker as a friend, and she had no desire to be her friend, or to engage in personal conversation with her. This co-worker's expectations of the OP were way too high, even inappropriate, given the actual level of their relationship.
Can't get much clearer than that.
And cyberphonics...TOO FUNNY....have some cheese!!!
I'm a 32 yo female. Never had many female friends. I don't seem to understand female friend relationships.
I started a new job in June, in August another lady started a few years older than me. We clicked that we were both from the Northeast and were put to work on a project together. Anyway, as time went on we started going to lunch and talking about non-work related things, she started considering me her friend. She was also being bullied by her boss and she would confide in me and I would just listen. To me it was a work relationship, however she did want to get together on the weekend (we never did). I have never been bullied at work so I didn't really know what she was going through, but she would cry and get all upset and bad-mouth the company and it made me uncomfortable.
Anyway, she quit first week of January. She didn't say anything to me, I heard from HR. I text her the day I found out that I was sorry to hear but that I understood why she did what she did. The next day she texts me asking me why I didn't call her the night before. We have never spoken on the phone outside of work. Was I supposed to call her? Why? Honestly, I don't want to come home after a 10 hour work day to listen to her whine about her boss and tell me how horrible the company is (I still work there!) I didn't want to call her. She tried calling me a few times over that weekend, but I was out with my partner and I don't bring my phone with me in that case. I saw her missed calls and text her back, not called her back.
A few weeks of no communication went by, then I text her to see how she was doing and if she started looking for work. I got one word answers back. Also, in this time it was my b-day (she would have known because she's on my FB or was) and I didn't hear from her. I am also pregnant and not once she has asked about that. The pregnancy is another reason I didn't want to have phone conversations with her, between the exhaustion and the general feeling of uncomfortableness I didn't want to deal with her issues too. So I realize she wants nothing to do with me. I thought about calling her, but after thinking about it, I really don't want to be friends with her. Too much drama, emotions and neediness for me.
This is the second time this happened this year! I was hanging out with this other girl who used to work with my partner. She has an 8 yo daughter, so we did kid friendly activities together on the weekends when my partner was working. Everything was fine, then when her daughter went to stay with the dad for the summer, she stopped communicating with me. I would text her, same thing, one word answers. My partner thinks that she wanted me to reach out to her and ask her to go out to the bar/club etc. I don't get that. Why can't she text me and ask? Haven't spoken to her since August.
I swear I don't get these women. Obviously what I do or don't do repels them against me. Is there any sense to this? Maybe they want more of an emotional attachment from me. But I feel that real friendships are forged over a period of time, not a few weeks. I feel like I'm missing something.
I think both of these women want more from the relationship than you are willing to give. They sound emotionally needy. With being pregnancy and having a baby soon, you don't need a lot of extra drama in your life.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
