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You're at an impasse. You gave your mother a very childish ultimatum. She made a statement that hurt your feelings. You discussed it. You refuse to let it go. Who has the issue?
comet, because she must do as you say (go to therapy as you requested) in order for you to connect with her, it becomes a "win-lose" proposition. In other words, you have to "win" this challenge in order to let her back in. Which means she has to (in her eyes) "lose." With your (both of you) dynamics, it seems someone is bound to harbor resentment b/c of having to acquiesce. Is that a pattern? That can't be healthy.
Have you spoken to your therapist about establishing boundaries for yourself? And how to respond when they are crossed without issuing damaging ultimatums or "punishment" (e.g., banishment)?
I told my mother I wouldnt engage with her again until she went therapy because 1) I dont feel she fully accepted responsibilty for the things she said/did or take them seriously enough (some of which I did not mention her but will now below) and 2) I'm afraid of her doing/saying more things if she doesnt get help and I'm not interested in more. I also feel extremely awkward around her now.. she is always looking me up and down when I'm around her... she always has done that but now I see it and see it for what it is.
Other things she said/did that have concerned me the past 10 years: walked in on a boyfriend and I in bed knowing full well we were in bed, didnt even knock and when I chastised her for it she acted like I was being ridiculous... tried to enter my room when I told her I wasnt dressed to which I loudly and rather angrily announced I wasnt dressed, she started to push the door again anyway so I pushed it and caught her hand in it to which she yelled at me, I reminded her I told her I wasnt dressed and didnt want her to come in to which she said "Ive seen you naked plenty of times before!"... peering thru my window (with hand on them to shield sun) from outside when she knew I was getting dressed one day for an event to which I was shocked and abruptly closed the curtains.... her comment about flaunting boyrfriends also triggered a memory of an incident with my first real boyfriend that then left me wondering even then if she had had an affair with him or tried to (I think I blocked it out almost as soon as it occurred).. and I'm also suspicious she may have sexually abused me for reasons I do not want to list here.
My therapist thought my decision to set a boundary by telling her I would not engage with her anymore until she gets help was/is a good thing. I really have no idea how to deal with this/her so if you have a better suggestion please let me know and what you would do in my shoes.
Cometgal,
Please remember what I said earlier about people who do not have the reference point to understand. Many people will just assume that you are the one being petty. I know its not easy, it hurts, you want to be understood. But some people will never understand. They just can't. Its not in the scope of thier ability to even imagine. You owe no one an explanation.
I told my mother I wouldnt engage with her again until she went therapy because 1) I dont feel she fully accepted responsibilty for the things she said/did or take them seriously enough (some of which I did not mention her but will now below) and 2) I'm afraid of her doing/saying more things if she doesnt get help and I'm not interested in more. I also feel extremely awkward around her now.. she is always looking me up and down when I'm around her... she always has done that but now I see it and see it for what it is.
Other things she said/did that have concerned me the past 10 years: walked in on a boyfriend and I in bed knowing full well we were in bed, didnt even knock and when I chastised her for it she acted like I was being ridiculous... tried to enter my room when I told her I wasnt dressed to which I loudly and rather angrily announced I wasnt dressed, she started to push the door again anyway so I pushed it and caught her hand in it to which she yelled at me, I reminded her I told her I wasnt dressed and didnt want her to come in to which she said "Ive seen you naked plenty of times before!"... peering thru my window (with hand on them to shield sun) from outside when she knew I was getting dressed one day for an event to which I was shocked and abruptly closed the curtains.... her comment about flaunting boyrfriends also triggered a memory of an incident with my first real boyfriend that then left me wondering even then if she had had an affair with him or tried to (I think I blocked it out almost as soon as it occurred).. and I'm also suspicious she may have sexually abused me for reasons I do not want to list here.
My therapist thought my decision to set a boundary by telling her I would not engage with her anymore until she gets help was/is a good thing. I really have no idea how to deal with this/her so if you have a better suggestion please let me know and what you would do in my shoes.
If she sexually abused you, work on it in therapy.
Take some time away from her for yourself.
The part that is unreasonable is insisting on what you have decided SHE should do. That is not going to get you the results you want - it's control on your part. You have no control over her - only yourself. Draw boundaries with her - work on healing yourself - work on forgiveness - yes, forgiveness - otherwise, you will suffer from bitterness - take some time away from her. It is not up to you to punish her - the only thing you can do is try to process whatever you need to process and heal yourself.
If she sexually abused you, work on it in therapy.
Take some time away from her for yourself.
The part that is unreasonable is insisting on what you have decided SHE should do. That is not going to get you the results you want - it's control on your part. You have no control over her - only yourself. Draw boundaries with her - work on healing yourself - work on forgiveness - yes, forgiveness - otherwise, you will suffer from bitterness - take some time away from her. It is not up to you to punish her - the only thing you can do is try to process whatever you need to process and heal yourself.
What do I do in the meantime when she sends e-cards and leaves voicemails asking me to call her and wondering why I dont talk to her anymore?
What do I do in the meantime when she sends e-cards and leaves voicemails asking me to call her and wondering why I dont talk to her anymore?
I think you respond very honestly.
Mom, first I want you to know that I love you and want good things for you. But when you told me XXXX, it hurt my feelings because XXXXX. I realized that this is a pattern we have been locked into for some time and I don't like it. For instance, XXXX. I would love to have a true mother/daughter relationship with you, where we spend enjoyable time together, are not competitive with one another and respect each other's boundaries. For now, I don't think that is possible.
I'm seeing a therapist and trying to figure some things out right now. I recommend you do it too, because it really helps to clarify why you (we) feel, say and do certain things. At this point, I'm going to take a break from our relationship while I try to "work on myself," as they say. Please know that even though we won't be seeing each other or talking to each other for a while, I will be thinking about you and hoping you are well.
I will get in touch with you in XXXXX (some time frame). Until then, take care.
****
Then, if she contacts you, you can reiterate that you're not ready. You don't have to engage in any back and forth--just redraw the boundaries for her.
I don't blame you for severing ties with her, she doesn't sound like much of a mother at all. She had no right to burden you with all of that stuff but a lot of mothers do it, mine included. Oh but they expect you to keep it all to yourself after that. It's very maddening. And everybody feels a little jealousy now and then but they don't let it affect them, least of all mothers. They work so hard presumably so their daughters can have a better life and better experiences than they did, but unfortunately the selfish human beings in many of them derail it. Your mother does need professional help and at this point I would refuse a relationship with her until she gets it. How has she handled the loss of contact with you? In the meantime, know that you did your best, continue to be good to yourself and be on the path to healing.
Mom, first I want you to know that I love you and want good things for you. But when you told me XXXX, it hurt my feelings because XXXXX. I realized that this is a pattern we have been locked into for some time and I don't like it. For instance, XXXX. I would love to have a true mother/daughter relationship with you, where we spend enjoyable time together, are not competitive with one another and respect each other's boundaries. For now, I don't think that is possible.
I'm seeing a therapist and trying to figure some things out right now. I recommend you do it too, because it really helps to clarify why you (we) feel, say and do certain things. At this point, I'm going to take a break from our relationship while I try to "work on myself," as they say. Please know that even though we won't be seeing each other or talking to each other for a while, I will be thinking about you and hoping you are well.
I will get in touch with you in XXXXX (some time frame). Until then, take care.
****
Then, if she contacts you, you can reiterate that you're not ready. You don't have to engage in any back and forth--just redraw the boundaries for her.
Yeah, but just be careful with how much you share. I don't want to sound paranoid, but a true narcissist would deny and spin the above against you. For example, "competitive? Who's competitive? You're imagining things, you always do that..." etc., etc.
Maybe that wouldn't be your mom's style, but if it might be, maybe less is better, e.g., "I'm working on some issues, and will be keeping some distance for the time being, so if you don't hear from me, that's why. I love and care about you, and hope you can try to accept this."
Then again, Marlow's is a good script. I just know that with my dysfunctional relationship, "anything I say may be used against me." I learned the hard way to divulge carefully so as to avoid this "spin cycle."
I didnt see or call her during any of this year's holidays.. in part because since my sister moved away 17 years ago she's only been home about 3.. one because my mom had cancer.. so there's part of me, particularly after my sister siding with her on just about every comment and incident, that made me say "You know what? I've been spending/seeing her every holiday the past 17 years... why dont you step up to the plate for a change?" Although according to my mother my sister has asked her to come visit a lot.. but my mother hardly does it.. but at her age really my sister should be making the trek IMO.
She leaves me voicemails saying she misses seeing and talking to me... and very early on after the **** hit the fan sent an email to my sister and I claiming we were the best thing that ever happened to her.
She also told me when I was young that when she felt bad for me and my sister because of the kind of mother we got.
She never mentions how I told her I wouldnt have anyuthing to do with her again until she talked to a therapist.
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