Not looking forward to Christmas this year... (wife, husband, person)
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This will be our grandson's first Christmas. My daughter's stress level is now going through the roof, and I want to make it easy for her. We were invited by my daughter to spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Day with them at her house. I was going to prepare a Christmas Eve dinner for the immediate family (my daughter, her DH, her Dad, her sister, and her grandparents - about 8 people total), have a pleasant low key Christmas Eve, and spend athe night. It's pretty much her limit - she absolutely HATES hosting dinners and parties or having company over. It's even tougher for her this year with a new baby. I planned on making the work minimal for her by doing all the cooking.
The problem is, her DH's family (which is a large one) tends to monopolize all the holidays with huge parties, get togethers, etc. at the different relatives' houses. She wants to spend a quiet Christmas Eve with us - and her DH's family expect her to go to church and a party Christmas Eve. She doesn't like church, and hates parties. We (DH and I) were invited also, but we don't attend church or like big parties either. Her grandparents are in their 80's and would find the drinking/frivolity/noise unpleasant. There are more get togethers and a dinner planned for Christmas Day.
I don't think she should be expected to drag a tiny baby out to church and a late night party on a cold snowy night like that anyway. She had to drag him out to the Thanksgiving festivities at two weeks old.
Our daughter hates all of it - we don't have that many close relatives, and Christmas was always pretty quiet and low key at our house. DH doesn't want to go because of the gift exchanges. Our daughter's in-laws are BIG on gift exchanges. My daughter was always pressured and stressed by it every year - they have a big mortgage and feeling compelled to buy gifts for everybody always sends her over the edge. We always told her NOT to buy any for us.
On DH's side of the family, they never exchanged Christmas gifts (just bought them for the kids) and we've never done much Christmas shopping ourselves - we usually just bought them for our girls. It's a tradition on our side of the family not to buy gifts for people so as not to embarass those who cannot afford to reciprocate. To be honest, WE can't afford it this year (my hours were cut due to Obamacare) and DH says he doesn't want to feel like a "poor relation" showing up at someone's doorstep on Christmas without any gifts. The gift issue really bothers him.
Christmas Eve is a week away and I'm not looking forward to any of this at all.
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 12-17-2013 at 03:04 AM..
What your daughter decides to do is beyond your control.
She married into this family and what or how much they do and for how many years they do it, is up to her and her husband to figure out.
All you can do is decide whether or not you're going to participate.
If you do go to stay at their house, maybe you can offer to stay home with the baby during church?
What your daughter decides to do is beyond your control.
She married into this family and what or how much they do and for how many years they do it, is up to her and her husband to figure out.
All you can do is decide whether or not you're going to participate.
If you do go to stay at their house, maybe you can offer to stay home with the baby during church?
That's what I told her. We could stay home and babysit. Her in-laws and all the relatives expect her to bring him out, though. He's only a month old. Thanksgiving was tough on her, because she was still recuperating from a tough birth and there were over 30 people there passing him around - not to mention a lot of them drinking. She doesn't want to go through that again.
They are a nice family and I enjoy being with them (in small numbers). Marrying into the family has been a bit of a trail and culture shock for my daughter - she always hated parties (even when she was younger) and never was the "social butterfly" type. She has a beautiful house, but HATES having company over.
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 12-17-2013 at 03:28 AM..
She needs to put her foot down and put her newborn first. A baby at a huge gathering is a bad choice in so many ways. She should say maybe next year when little Tot is older. And if it puts their undies in a wad, tough. They are thinking of themselves and not the newborn baby and mother.
She's an adult with a baby of her own. She has to learn to navigate the in-law relationship, and you have to learn to control what is actually in your own circle of influence and forget what isn't.
Host whatever gathering you're going to host, and let her choose what she attends as a mom of a newborn.
Above all, try very hard to keep your judgment of "his" family to yourself.
No need for you to NOT look forward to a very merry Christmas, as you can choose what YOU want to do.
Just support her in what she chooses to do.. without badmouthing the in-laws as you do here.
That's what I told her. We could stay home and babysit. Her in-laws and all the relatives expect her to bring him out, though. He's only a month old. Thanksgiving was tough on her, because she was still recuperating from a tough birth and there were over 30 people there passing him around - not to mention a lot of them drinking. She doesn't want to go through that again.
They are a nice family and I enjoy being with them (in small numbers). Marrying into the family has been a bit of a trail and culture shock for my daughter - she always hated parties (even when she was younger) and never was the "social butterfly" type. She has a beautiful house, but HATES having company over.
There are many pediatricians who would have absolutely forbid parents from taking a newborn infant large gathering so soon after birth. The pediatrician of my new grandson said that everyone who was going to have close contact with him in the first month absolutely, positively had to have their whopping cough booster shot, no exceptions. I really doubt that DH's family made sure that was true.
Personally, If she needs an "excuse" this year I would "blame" the pediatrician. "The doctor was absolutely horrified that we exposed our new baby to so many germs and second hand smoke at Thanksgiving and made us promise that we would not take our newborn into a large group setting again until he was at least six weeks old." (as long as that falls after Christmas) Back that up with some infant death & serious damage statistics after a baby gets Whopping Cough and you should be set.
BTW I bet that 95% of the pediatricians and gynecologists would have been absolutely horrified for a new baby & new mom to go through all that stress so it definitely won't be a lie.
It is a good time for your daughter to start setting boundaries with her husband's family.
She needs to put her foot down and put her newborn first. A baby at a hugegathering is a bad choice in so many ways. She should say maybe next year when little Tot is older. And if it puts their undies in a wad, tough. They are thinking of themselves and not the newborn baby and mother.
It's really sweet of you to want to protect her from all this.
I'm like her...getting used to in-laws and their traditions is challenging.
The newborn is the key here: NOW is the time for her to become the parent in her household and do what is best for her and her baby. That baby will provide lots of leverage in the future. At six weeks postpartum, she is still holding all the cards.
You didn't mention one single thing about her husband. He needs to man up and put his wife's needs first...before his family's. He will set the precedent by calling his family and saying, "We're going to have a quiet Christmas Eve at home this year with the baby, we will see you at x time at so-and-sos house on Christmas Day" Then he needs to stick with it.
Yeah, I agree. The husband really needs to be the one putting his foot down and communicating with HIS relatives. Are he and his wife on the same page?
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