Toxic Family - Can't we all just get along! (wife, boyfriend, father)

[meekocat]

I'm too tired to even type this but here goes. Due to long term, on-going issues with mostly our oldest sister, my kids and I have chosen not to have close relationships with my younger sister and my younger brother (who has said terrible things in his own right).

Maternal family dynamics are the oldest (girl), me (girl), brother, and then the youngest (girl). I have always been treated as the middle child. Not the oldest, not the only boy and not the youngest. The oldest is now 57, I'm 54, my brother is 51 and my youngest sister is 48.

Oldest sister is divorced and has two bi-racial kids. The oldest a boy (33), the youngest a girl (30). The oldest has one son who is 10. My niece is not married and has no kids.

I have been married 3 times and am still with husband #3. I have 3 kids. My oldest son (33), my younger son (31) and my daughter (27). My oldest son is married and has two girls (6) and (2). My daughter is divorced and has two kids (9) and (7).

My brother is married also has 3 girls - (23), (22) and (18). None are married, none have kids.

The youngest chose her career over kids and therefore has none and just got married for the first time in March to the guy she's been with for 25 years.

When we were kids there was a lot of competitiveness on my older sister's part with me ( but I never really noticed when I was a kid). Not sure why she felt like I was a threat to her. As we grew older, we never really had a close sister relationship. I always thought I was closer to my brother but not by much. Six years older than the youngest, not much of a relationship there either. My Mom was always much closer to the other 3. It was my dad who was always there for me growing up until my parents divorced when I was 15. He moved out when I was 12. My older sister and brother were privy to things going on in my Mom's life that my sister and I didn't know about such as my Mom having a boyfriend after the divorce (although it could have been before it was final for all I know).

I got married first. My older sister had moved out before I did and got pregnant (I believe to get the attention I was getting from getting married). I got pregnant right after getting married. My nephew was born April 17, 1980 and my son was born August 17, 1980. 4 months and 4 hours apart. Of course having two kids that close together we spent a lot of "family" time with my mom. Not so much with our younger siblings because they were still both in school and doing their own thing. We spent just about every Sunday going down to see my grandma with my mom...just doing the family/kid thing. That lasted for maybe 3 - 4 years until my Aunt moved in with my Grandma. We stopped going down there because my Aunt was verbally abusive to us (and we believed our Grandma). We didn't want to make things worse for Grandma so we stayed away and saw her at my Mom's for birthdays, Mother's Day, holidays.

As the kids were born and grew up, my sister would constantly harp on things that happened to her son. She always blamed everything bad that happened on his being half black. Whether it was daycare, school, sports, you name it, if it was negative it was because he was black. He couldn't play a certain position in Little League football...you guessed it, it was because he was half black.

My sister spent so much time focusing on the negative going on with him (not as much with my niece), that it seemed to take away my Mom's attention with my kids (was it because I was the middle child and as such my kids were destined to be as non-important as I was?) I'll admit I was a trying child. I am forever reminded by my Mom of having horrible colic for 3 straight months after I was born (so bad my Aunt had to come over and hold me so my Mom could clean the house!). I am forever reminded that I ditched high school so much I dropped out because I didn't have enough credits to graduate. I really just hated school all the way through. I was as out of place there as I was at home. I did drop out and get a full time job and get my GED two months after I should have graduated. Yes I was the problem child (never mind that I was emotionally distraught by all the fighting between my parents in the 3 years it took for them to get divorced. What a relief that was!)

Gosh this is a long post and I'm so sorry, just trying to get it into context for everyone. Until I was 33 years old I longed and yearned to have a Mom that loved me. You see she could tell me she loved me until the cows came home, but she never spoke to me in the same simpering tone she used with the others. It was always the exasperated tone with me. Friends would point out that they could see the difference in which she treated me and my kids vs. my sister and her kids at family functions. At least they could validate how I felt. At the age of 34, I can't remember now what happened (isn't that always the way it is?), but I stopped speaking to my family. I had finally had enough and had come to realize that I was never going to get that "feeling" from my Mom. I was always going to be the only one upset and crying. I finally made the decision to be done with yearning for something that would never happen. I stepped back emotionally and said it's not worth it. I think my kids were grateful as well, they witnessed many "holidays" where we ended up leaving with me in tears.

My oldest son was always wise beyond his years and I'm sure the "favoritism" of my sister which extended to my nephew never went unnoticed. He could never quite figure out why my side of the family never said "good job" or "I love you" as soon as he walked in the door like my husband's parents did (he was their first grandchild and of course was their "precious angel"). My younger son was not quite as lucky, he's just as sensitive as I am and longed for and still does that "happy" family holiday season. My daughter, ever pragmatic, just went along with the flow and was generally happy. She was the youngest girl until my brother had his kids. With that being said, they always liked being with their Dad's side of the family for holiday more than my side even though we would go to both places every holiday.

My nephew has a son who is 10. He never married the mom. They broke up when D was about 3 months old (I think). Once that happened my oldest sister went into full guerrilla mode. She mortgage her house 3 or 4 times spending well over $100,000+ on attorneys trying to get if not full custody of D at least 50/50 parenting time. Controlling, interfering, (to this day), and for 10 years constantly complaining about D's mom doing this and D's mom doing that. O M G. My nephew has had few jobs, he's not working now, hasn't worked in the last I don't know 8 years or so. My sister pays for everything including his child support. He doesn't lift one finger to help her financially. That's her problem for refusing to make him a responsible adult. As it was with my nephew, her life now revolves around her grandson. My niece has little interest in getting married or having kids (I wonder why). But she does have a good relationship with her mom and brother.

My son got married in 2004. My oldest granddaughter was born in September 2007. In July 2009, my beautiful daughter in law was diagnosed with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). It was a very tough time for my son and granddaughter, my DIL had to have a bone marrow transplant and was kept in isolation for a month because she had no immune system. This was especially tough on baby girl, not to see or hold Mommy for a month. My son was emotional at first and then became even more serious and stoic during the whole thing. He welcomed help from my DIL's family with open arms (of course), but seemed to shun my family. When they went to visit my DIL at the hospital he was rude to my mom and sister (according to them). I felt like he wasn't rude, he had requested that everyone who wanted to visit text him to see if it was a good time to do so. He was very protective (of course) and doing what he could to ensure DIL was not over-tiring herself. Her own family was large as well. Her sister moved in with my son while DIL was in the hospital to help him take care of my granddaughter so he could work and see DIL at the hospital. Thankfully the bone marrow transplant worked and today DIL is in remission and has been for 3 years. In 2011, my youngest granddaughter was born (on my Mom's birthday). She was a Miracle baby as my son and DIL were told that due to the chemotherapy, she would most likely be sterile.

My younger son married in 2009. His wife's parents, family and friends lived in Texas. They chose to get married in her hometown. My family were upset that he would get married out of state and that they would have to pay to travel to the wedding. My mom wouldn't go (she doesn't like flying). My brother did not go, my older sister did not go. Only my younger sister went. Of course my dear husband (Ex at this point), went as well as his wife, his sister and husband, their sons, and his other two brothers attended with their kids as well. It hurt my youngest son immensely that only me, my sister, his brother and sister and my granddaughter and grandson were the only ones from my family to attend. My family had plenty of notice for saving up airfare or could have carpooled to the wedding. It wasn't that far of a drive from Colorado to Texas. Even quite a few of their Colorado friends attended the wedding and reception.

Over the years as the kids have become adults, my employment changed to a lot of long term contract positions. I ended up working a lot of holidays (otherwise no pay). My kids would stop by and see my Mom but left before the rest of the family showed up. That way they were avoiding the now normal dramas that usually occurred on the holidays, preferring of course to be with the fun and loving relatives on their dad's side. I do want to say that more often than not my younger son and his wife actually stayed for holiday dinner and hung out with my relatives before going over to the other side for their turn. My oldest son and DIL would stop by and see my mom with the one grandaughter before going to her Mom's for dinner. They always made sure they left before my oldest sister showed up to avoid all of her drama.

Thanksgiving 2011 my sister, niece and nephew created so much drama that my younger sister and I made the executive decision to start excluding them from family functions. My Mom had tolerated their BS every year and frankly we were sick of it. If I was there, I was bullied, if I wasn't there, she picked on my son or my younger sister. That year it was my younger sister who left in hysterical tears after my sister told her she was racist. She has seriously done a lot of stuff for my niece and nephew.

We took my Mom out for brunch on her birthday, without inviting my sister. Everyone who was invited showed up and we all had a very nice time. However my brother was not happy about excluding her and told me that he wasn't going to do that any more. I told him I couldn't speak for anyone else, but I would not be attending any family functions if she was there. She and I could get along just fine one on one, but otherwise forget it.

Last year was the year of the Thanksgiving fiasco. As usual, my Mom planned dinner at her house as she has for years and year, always refusing to let anyone else do dinner. My husband and I had plans to have dinner with friends. My oldest sister waited until Monday before telling my mom that she wouldn't be over for dinner. My brother decided that Tuesday it was stupid for my Mom to cook dinner for just his family so they decided to make dinner and bring my Mom over. None of the kids really ever let my Mom know if they would be coming to dinner, but they all eventually would stop by (except the oldest). Last year my youngest son texted my Mom on Wednesday to let her know he and his wife would be over for dinner. My Mom doesn't really text and didn't see his text until Thanksgiving morning. She called me in a panic and told me that she tried calling him several times but the call wasn't going through. She wanted me to call and let him know that she was going to my brother's house. I asked her if I should tell him that dinner would be there instead, and she hesitated and said "well I can't invite him". I was like ok well that's a little mean, but ok I'll call and tell him not to come. I called him, he was pretty distraught. He had not been invited to dinner anywhere else and now had nowhere to go. (His Dad's side of the family were having their own issues due to his Pops passing the previous February). I felt horrible and wished I had never answered the phone when my Mom called. Stupid me I was actually dumb enough to think she was calling to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving since I wouldn't be seeing her.

I texted my sister and because I was upset about hurting my son, I was angry about the whole thing. She said it was his fault for waiting until the last minute to let my mom know he was coming over (even though he went every year). I told her I felt like my brother did it on purpose to include my sister (I didn't know until afterward that she wasn't there, that's the first time ever she didn't go). Then my brother's oldest stuck her nose into the whole situation and texted my kids telling them they were all invited over (yeah at 3 pm that's too little too late). She was trying to make excuses and should have just minded her own business. My oldest son texted her back and told her to stop texting him. She sent him a couple more whiney texts and then he pretty much told her he couldn't stand her and to stop making excuses for everything. Then my brother sent my oldest a really, really horrible text telling him he was a loser (ummm no, he's had a full time job since he was 18, in a management position where he works, dedicated to his wife and kids, I don't think so). Texts were flying back and forth, things were said that shouldn't have been said, yadda yadda.

Fast forward to now. My oldest son refuses now to have anything to do with my family. I should say he's made no effort to contact them or take his kids to see my mom.

Tonight I had like the 100th phone call from my younger sister who ended up being swept up in all of it. She's angry and upset that my son hasn't called her or my Mom. I said you know you both have dialing fingers. Her excuse for not calling? He'll hang up on me. Ummm no he won't. And honestly she seems like she's stewing every day about this whole thing and I can guarantee you he doesn't even think about them, he has a ton of other things going on in his life (he's a Benefits Manager and I can't tell you how swamped he's been for the last year preparing for Obamacare). I'm sure the whoe family drama is the last thing he's thinking about.

I've told her several times to call him and make a lunch date or something but she refuses. I finally told her tonight I don't want to hear about it anymore. I've recently been diagnosed with MS and stress is the last thing I need right now. I'm tired of getting off the phone with her and feeling so beat up. Thoughts?

[Inkpoe]

I've read this last night... twice. And typed up a response, but unfortunately CD didn't cooperate by the time I clicked post reply.

So... Thoughts? I do think you could stand to benefit from having counseling sessions to work through your issues.

In RE: Last Year's Thanksgiving: Your handling of that "fiasco" was poor and extremely rude. You basically set it up to implode. You need to get over your self pitying WOE is me, "I shouldn't take the call" blah blah blah and recognize the situation for what it is.

Your mother did the right thing by calling you when she couldn't get through. She is right however that as a guest, she can't just invite somebody else. At that point, your option was to call your son and inform him that his grandmother was going to be at his uncle's house. He would have two options-- Call his uncle and see if he could come -OR- come up with other plans.

Your youngest son planned poorly and operated out of what turned out to be a bad assumption. He should've called instead of text-- You can come with all the excuses as to why he would even text an elderly person who you admit does not text. He was in the wrong. His sad situation with his father's family doesn't excuse his so-called "devastation" nor his poor planning. And it doesn't excuse your flaming what is already a sensitive situation to your younger sister who brought it onto to your brother. Quite frankly, not so different than your elder sister to use your son's "devastation" against the family.

Evidently, youngest son did eventually get invited by his cousin who also went onto invite your other kids. But you made it clear that its not good enough. You and your son were rude enough and you were using your issues to flame the situation.

Your elder son was a jerk. He should've just simply not responded to the text and just went onto enjoy the holidays with his family. That way, you wouldn't have to deal with your brother calling him a loser and saying stuff he (and your son) apparently shouldn't. Your son does have the right not to do anything with your family-- but he doesn't need to be rude about it. It is up to your son, and him only, to decide if he wants to mend with the family. If he apparently doesn't, then say nothing and absolve yourself of any role. Don't try to drag him back in.

You have a right to decide not to have a relationship with your siblings. But you have to own up your part, you're not as innocent as you seem to think you are. You do come off like you're stewing as well. So... yes, I think you should consult with a psychologist/counselor and work through your issues and learn how to empower yourself without getting sucked back into old issues that aren't helpful to your health.

[germaine2626]

Although I've never had to get involved with toxic family members I have tried to mediate between feuding co-workers a few times. What did I learn? It is best to stay out of it. In a couple of cases it ended up with me being in minor trouble with management or with both of the co-workers banding together against me.

You have made some positive suggestions (call the other person, meet for lunch, etc.) now try to forget about it and let the other people solve or not solve their problems.

[RMD3819]

I think you should stay out of your ADULT children's business.

[meekocat]

Sorry if it came off as if I had no responsibility in the fiasco. I had spoken to my younger sister that morning and although she said she was picking my mom up I had no idea what she was talking about. It just never occurred to me that my son was going over to my mom's, when I talked to him he hadn't said anything. My mom is elderly but the issue wasn't the texting, it was that she doesn't turn her cell on unless she's not home. (For years, I didn't even know she had one...that should tell you something).

When my mom called me, I knew his cell was working fine because my daughter had just talked to him. He knows that he should have called earlier, he's not innocent at all. He just lost track and before he knew it was the day before Thanksgiving. It happens. This wouldn't have gotten so blown out of proportion if my sister had kept my texts to herself, but she had to make a big deal out of it to my brother and everyone else there (like the feuding co-workers banding together). Apparently though you agree with my sister that my son is a jerk for trying to protect his brother, but it was ok for his cousin to put her nose where it didn't belong. My son actually had no idea what was going on until the next day. I forgot to add that my younger sister called me that night and screamed at me about the whole thing...but she was definitely more upset that I deleted all of them off my Facebook...seriously? The last Thanksgiving there were like 50 posts on everyone's pages about the whole racist thing and it was not pretty. I chose to delete them so the same thing didn't happen again. My son didn't say anything to his cousin other than "the fake relationship we have on FB, there is no relationship so stop texting me."

Anyway none of that matters now. The damage has been done won't likely to be fixed anytime soon if at all. I literally finally moved out of state to get away from all of the BS from Colorado to Florida. My issue is now whenever I talk to my sister all I hear is how he's keeping the kids away from her and mom. She just doesn't get that he doesn't WANT his kids around the dysfunction. I told her that maybe Mom has reaped what she sewed. Maybe my older sister has always been working at driving a wedge between mom and the rest of us and has succeeded more than her wildest expectations.

As for keeping the kids away from her, she needs to understand that she spent very, very little time with my kids growing up (although her perception is that she spent a lot of time with them). No. She was too busy. She was a Police Dispatcher on mid-shift, her hours were off from everyone else's and although she did get some weekend days off she spent them playing baseball with the PPA (Police Protective Assn). She was always invited to the kid's birthdays, EVERY YEAR. And every year it was oh I have to work, or oh I have softball, or bowling. She was still living at home when my nephew was born (still in high school), she babysat him all summer and since my older sister still lived there she saw him all the time until she graduated and moved out. I was married and we didn't live there. My mother in law babysat for me and my mom was still working so she rarely saw the kids. She claims she would drop in to hang out with them but I can only remember one time that she "dropped by" and they weren't home, they were at their other Gramma's. She spent a ton of time with my niece when she was born in '83 because "that was her girl". My daughter was born 3 years later in '86, she didn't see her all that much either. Busy, busy, busy. I don't think she missed either one of their birthdays growing up either. With me, if I didn't schedule them with her a couple of months in advance she couldn't schedule it. Well I don't schedule little kid birthday parties 2 months in advance. You know we had some kind of get together every year and you know when their birthdays are, figure it out.

She worked as a Police Dispatcher and finally was accepted into the Police Academy. It took forever due to the Affirmative Action requirements the City had in place at the time. She graduated from the Academy in '98 and worked 4 10's every week. Then she started working off-duty jobs because they pay a ton of money. She currently works 4 off duty jobs ON TOP of her full time job. Since she wasn't married and had no kids, hey might as well work right?

Once my brother's girls were born, she made time for all of them every year for birthdays. Also taking them shopping, hanging out with them all the time.

Now in the present day, she's spent all her time working. She has no kids. She's now 48. I think now she's regretting that. She sees my daughter's kids quite often since she's maintained a relationship with my mom. She doesn't see my son's kids. My son isn't the only one who has a say in that, my DIL's family is totally close and loving. Her parents are divorced and she has one sister who's not married. Her mom remarried a couple of years ago. They have the coolest family tradition of having a girl's weekend in Estes Park every year the weekend after Thanksgiving. Her grandma, her mom, her sister, her aunts, her cousins, and now my granddaughters, all girls go up there and spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday up there. She also doesn't want her kids around the BS. And my brother is a total hypocrite about the whole thing, when his girls were little he also avoided taking them to my mom's until everyone was gone so his kids wouldn't be around it.

It dawned on me once again last night that I shouldn't even bother with them. I'm always the one who calls them anyway. The only reason I even called my sister yesterday was because I fell in the bathtub and was feeling in complete and total despair about having MS. I've told her over and over, that we didn't have close relationships with our aunts, uncles and cousins growing up so what's the big deal? I've also told her the kids have BUSY lives just like she does, she doesn't have the corner market on being busy. She just doesn't get that they have their own families now. She complains that she never hears from them unless they want something, my response to her is you're always so busy, no one wants to bother you. They don't know when you're working or when you're sleeping (she works nights), or what days off you have.

I am staying out of what's going on. The problem is I'm sick of hearing about it from her. That's why I told her to stop bitching at me about it. Either accept the relationship or lack thereof that you now have, or call them. It's your choice to stew about it every day or not.

I don't stew about it, it's upsetting to me, so upsetting that I don't want to talk to her any more. She and her husband and my middle niece came to visit in September and for 3 nights we "discussed" it. I basically told her not to come back if she couldn't leave the BS at home. I don't have the emotional strength right now and haven't had it for a long time, to deal with stuff that grown people should be able to handle on their own. And what really sucks is they don't care how it's affecting my health. BTW, I don't say anything to my kids about these conversations...I keep them to myself but it's very painful to go through.

[Inkpoe]

Originally Posted by meekocat

This wouldn't have gotten so blown out of proportion if my sister had kept my texts to herself, but she had to make a big deal out of it to my brother and everyone else there (like the feuding co-workers banding together). Apparently though you agree with my sister that my son is a jerk for trying to protect his brother, but it was ok for his cousin to put her nose where it didn't belong. My son actually had no idea what was going on until the next day.

(snip)

I don't stew about it, it's upsetting to me, so upsetting that I don't want to talk to her any more. She and her husband and my middle niece came to visit in September and for 3 nights we "discussed" it. I basically told her not to come back if she couldn't leave the BS at home. I don't have the emotional strength right now and haven't had it for a long time, to deal with stuff that grown people should be able to handle on their own. And what really sucks is they don't care how it's affecting my health. BTW, I don't say anything to my kids about these conversations...I keep them to myself but it's very painful to go through.

I don't "agree" with your sister. That wasn't how you presented it the first time and now you're changing it to he was "defending his brother". I do not care about the cousin-- as it is, she's inconsequential. Who cares if she was "sticking her nose where it didn't belong"? That's part of the family dynamics... Just like your sister "blowing the whole thing out of the proportion" is part of that particular family dynamics. You made 2 extralong revealing posts about your family and you seem bewildered by the fact that they don't care that its affecting your health-- even though that's exactly what one would come to expect from this kind of family.

Seriously... Talk to a counselor. It shouldn't still be painful at this point of time.

[meekocat]

I've had counseling, it was basically they're toxic stay away from them which I did. I've always been the "problem" child, the "crazy" one, I must be crazy if I need a shrink. That's the way they work.

Sorry the MS sometimes causes "brain fog". I'm not talking to her any more. I believe in my heart that she's regretting not having kids and somehow now they "owe" it to her to let her spend time with them. No one owes her anything. Maybe if this wasn't always about who has done what for who (love, money, attention), the family wouldn't be so dysfunctional. Normal families enjoy doing things for each other and helping each other out. Ours has been a lifetime of oneupmanship.

[brokensky]

Stop trying to manage everyone's relationships. Really. Your therapist pointed you in the right direction . . . stay away from toxic people.

I get the feeling you want to "prove" some of your relatives are wrong in their assessment of you and with the "roles" they have assigned you within the family.

Forget it. Stop going to the same well expecting a refreshing drink . . . the well was poisoned long ago. You are going to get the same swamp water you have been getting.

Pull yourself away from these folks, concentrate on your own immediate family.

My Dad used to say . . . get out of the snake pit. The snakes will doubtless keep on hissing -- but you won't be there to hear it.

[tamajane]

Step Away from the Drama.

[meekocat]

Thanks for the support...for those of you who gave it.

Mod cut: Orphaned material (referenced posts which have since been deleted).