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She lives in another state and I call her about once a week and sometimes she calls me. She usually talks about the family, her work, life, etc. But for over 2 hours. At first I'm interested and actively participate in the conversation, maybe for the first 40mins-1hr. After maybe an hour, I just listen and wait for her to finish. I can't cut the conversation short, I just can't do it in any way, even in the most politest of ways. So I sit there and listen and say "uhuh" for about an hour (during the first hour I'm OK). Sometimes it's 2.5 hours.
And I want to talk to her but not for so long. What can I do?
Believe me..Enjoy all the time you can with your mother..I go thru the same thing, but the day will come where i will wish I had her to talk to all day.
I can't believe all the people who find it inconvenient to spend 2 hours a week talking to their mom especially when they don't live in the same state to spend any time together in person. It's only 2 hours and it may seem like a lot at the time, but I'm sure it means a lot to OP's mom.
Sounds like my dad.
Except he doesn't live very far at all, and we see each other quite often.
When he calls, he'll have a particular question or subject, but it quickly deteriorates into a bucket list of all the things he did during the day. We're talking mundane things. And it's so much worse that he has some pretty OCD tendencies, so this "discussion" will be to the tune of, "...I scanned your mom's computer for viruses. Went in the registry and changed this and that. Went to the bathroom. Gotta fix the stupid sink. Gonna cut the grass tomorrow..."
An hour later, he gets to the point of the call, then proceeds to do another round of stuff he's planning on doing.
I don't have the heart to deny him, because I guess my mom just tells him to shut up, so he just wants to jabber to someone. So I just put him on speaker and continue with whatever it is I'm doing. A grunt or two here and there is sufficient for him.
I had/have similar situations. My Mom lived about 70 miles away and I'd usually call her on a day when I wanted to come visit her to confirm that it was a good time for a visit. She'd continue to conversation long after I told her I was ready to leave home and drive to see her for a personal visit. No matter how many times I told her I wanted to hang up and leave so I could see her in person....she'd keep the conversation going.
When I call to talk to my brother who lives across the country from me, those conversations tend to last well over an hour....which for me is way to long. I'd like to call him more often, but I always dread being on the phone for over an hour, so I don't call him as often as I'd like due to dreading being on the phone so long. The only thing that usually seem to work is to call him about a half hour before dinner....and use the excuse that dinner is ready and I have to go :-)
I realize everyone is different, but I'd rather call people more often and talk for 15 minutes....but with some people that just doesn't seem to ever work :-)
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,704 posts, read 41,851,890 times
Reputation: 41414
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I can't believe all the people who find it inconvenient to spend 2 hours a week talking to their mom especially when they don't live in the same state to spend any time together in person. It's only 2 hours and it may seem like a lot at the time, but I'm sure it means a lot to OP's mom.
The problem here is that two hours is all at once and not broken into a few times a week.
I'm still deeply conflicted on this. And as you can see there are 2 ways that are suggested by people here: cut the convo in a nice way or keep listening until she's done.
The underlying theme of people who advocate to keep listening is: she will be dead one day (or maybe I will be dead before her who knows) and we won't be able to talk to each other at all. Legitimate point of course. And yes, she is lonely. She doesn't have many friends and she needs someone to listen to her stories. My brothers/father do the listening when they're at home with her - they live with her.
She knows she talks for a long time. But she needs to do it. I kind of did see it as a gift. I haven't done much for my mother historically. I thought maybe this is the least thing I can do for her.
Here's the question. If I cut it off at let's say an hour and then let's say after X years she dies (as we all will) and I can't talk to her anymore - will I feel guilty for letting her talk for an hour rather than two? I guess that's a question only I can answer.
On the other thing I want to give her that gift. Few people can listen to her talk non-stop for a long time. If I'm that person once a week, then I'm doing something for her. I also need to do other things in those 2 hours, and I can't do them simultaneously because she will regularly check if I'm listening so I can't do anything else at the same time.
This is really hard, I still don't know what to do. I'm leaning towards cutting it short after 1 hour. After she's dead I guess I'll think "well yes, I didn't listen for 2 hours, but I listened for 1, that's reasonable I guess".
Well, I have to make a decision here. I'll gently bow out after about 1 hour. I'll say I have to do X and I really have to do X. She will probably say something like: "ahh u want me to shut up already haha, ok!" but whatever. I mean it's an issue of what's reasonable as well. What if she averaged 6? I would listen for 6 because I want to be kind and give her a gift? No. 5? No. 4? No? 3? No. 2? Ehh........ no. 1 yes.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,704 posts, read 41,851,890 times
Reputation: 41414
Quote:
Originally Posted by vistas
I'm still deeply conflicted on this. And as you can see there are 2 ways that are suggested by people here: cut the convo in a nice way or keep listening until she's done.
The underlying theme of people who advocate to keep listening is: she will be dead one day (or maybe I will be dead before her who knows) and we won't be able to talk to each other at all. Legitimate point of course. And yes, she is lonely. She doesn't have many friends and she needs someone to listen to her stories. My brothers/father do the listening when they're at home with her - they live with her.
She knows she talks for a long time. But she needs to do it. I kind of did see it as a gift. I haven't done much for my mother historically. I thought maybe this is the least thing I can do for her.
Here's the question. If I cut it off at let's say an hour and then let's say after X years she dies (as we all will) and I can't talk to her anymore - will I feel guilty for letting her talk for an hour rather than two? I guess that's a question only I can answer.
On the other thing I want to give her that gift. Few people can listen to her talk non-stop for a long time. If I'm that person once a week, then I'm doing something for her. I also need to do other things in those 2 hours, and I can't do them simultaneously because she will regularly check if I'm listening so I can't do anything else at the same time.
This is really hard, I still don't know what to do.
I'm on the side of I think it is not too much to ask your mother to respect that you have a life and cannot listen to her for two hours straight. Don't let the guilt inducing "she'll be gone one day" crowd get in the way of that. Offer your mother a few 30 min time slots throughout the week instead of one big 2 hour clump. You get to talk to her frequently but still have time for your life, she gets her two hours time in. I think that is a more than fair compromise.
I'm still deeply conflicted on this. And as you can see there are 2 ways that are suggested by people here: cut the convo in a nice way or keep listening until she's done.
The underlying theme of people who advocate to keep listening is: she will be dead one day (or maybe I will be dead before her who knows) and we won't be able to talk to each other at all. Legitimate point of course. And yes, she is lonely. She doesn't have many friends and she needs someone to listen to her stories. My brothers/father do the listening when they're at home with her - they live with her.
She knows she talks for a long time. But she needs to do it. I kind of did see it as a gift. I haven't done much for my mother historically. I thought maybe this is the least thing I can do for her.
Here's the question. If I cut it off at let's say an hour and then let's say after X years she dies (as we all will) and I can't talk to her anymore - will I feel guilty for letting her talk for an hour rather than two? I guess that's a question only I can answer.
On the other thing I want to give her that gift. Few people can listen to her talk non-stop for a long time. If I'm that person once a week, then I'm doing something for her. I also need to do other things in those 2 hours, and I can't do them simultaneously because she will regularly check if I'm listening so I can't do anything else at the same time.
This is really hard, I still don't know what to do.
Ask yourself why she NEEDS to talk to you for two hours - especially since she has your dad and brothers . . . geez . . . no one NEEDS to talk for two hours. She should go talk to a therapist for one hour a week and then talk to you for the other hour.
You are ONLY listening to her out of guilt. That is not a good reason.
Step up to the plate and tell her "Mom, I love you, but these two hour marathons are KILLING ME." It is completely unreasonable that she MUST talk for TWO HOURS. One hour is more than most would tolerate - or how about she can call you twice a week for 1/2 hour at a time (or one hour, once-a-week) - tell her it's up to her, which she prefers.
If you really want to know if she is being unreasonable, what if she starts increasing the time you MUST talk to her for three hours a week - then four - are you okay with it? Why isn't your relationship more reciprocal. How come it's okay that she doesn't care what you want or that she is interfering in your peace and happiness.
I concur with the last two posters; you're probably more of an introvert and recharge by being alone with your thoughts, she's a blabbermouth extrovert (I have one of those moms also); she NEEDS to talk every day to someone for hours but the content quality is sorely missing.
Have a selection of 'need to go now' excuses ready on hand; give her an hour or less, slightly more often if you can handle it, and don't feel guilty. She's old enough to realize that not everybody likes yakking on the phone about nothing in particular. My own favorite excuses are, 'dinner's ready, gotta go', 'someone's at the door', 'I have to go to the bathroom now', 'the dog needs to go for a walk', 'another call coming in', 'gotta leave for work now', 'my favorite show of all time is coming on', yawn loudly and say I have to get up early, etc and so forth.
Again, SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT NOT EVERYONE LIKES YAKKING. Encourage other interests, hobbies, bingo, church, walks, etc. It's not your responsibility to keep her engaged with world.
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