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18 years ago, I found out my husband was cheating on me so I left him. He married one of the women I caught him with. Don't know if that is the same one he had at the house, 3 days after I left?
Anyway, before I met him, I had very close friends. Worked for the father, and worked with the sons, 3 sons, and became very very close to they're mother. She was an angel and I loved her and that family with all my heart.
She died of lung cancer, and he married another woman, actually a relative to his ex-wife.
When my husband and I split up, they chose to believe him, but I was told, his new wife was very jealous of me?
Anyway, she called me and told me, they were shocked, that my ex had bought his new girlfriend to their home.
Well, it's been 18 years now....and he is still married to that woman, and they are now good friends with those people I spoke about above.
I know it's been a long long time, but now and again, I think of them, and wonder, how is it, none of them have ever tried to contact me? We were all so close?
It is really hurtful. Before Sharon passed away, she and I spent many long hours together....and she asked me if I would watch over her children.
I wonder, how in the world, my ex's new wife, feels having my stuff in her home, that I left behind?
And I just cannot believe as close as we were, that the family I speak of, chose to side with him, and never contacted me again? Boy does that hurt....I really loved them.
OP, you responded to a post of mine back in 2007 in a thread called, "Where is the Love?" It was my first of several long threads that endured through my marriage and separation. In WITL, you were the first responder to my thread.
I had turned my situation over to the Lord and you questioned me about that. What did I think my/our Lord was going to do.
At that point I had only told my ex husband that I couldn't handle it anymore, his abuse. It took all the strength in the world, but I would need much more. From somewhere, it came. The strength came. People couldn't believe that he was the way he had been.
That is because he was a different person on the outside than he was on the inside. in the end, he showed who he was, and most of those people saw it.
Today we are both happy in our perspective lives but back then, I turned it over to the Lord. Some things happened here and there that I didn't understand at the time, but over time, there was always a reason. Sometimes I may not have realized until years later. I can look back now and I can see why certain things happened the way they did.
The Christmas tree that my ex-husband bought me one year for my bday sits in his girlfriends living room every year. The first three years, it was very upsetting. Now I don't care.
My ex was and is a good story teller. Is your ex a good story teller?
You would not believe the things he has made up about me over the years to people and even to my own children. Hatred prevails, but only if we let it.
I know it is hard to lose people we love. I have lost my parents to cancer. It is hard. I have moved away, but I have made new friends.
If you can, try to move on. Try to free it from yourself. I had to do that re my brother for the past year. I had to let him go because he was causing me a lot of pain. As soon as I did that and blocked certain people on facebook that also had contact with him, things got much better for me.
Fortunately, my brother and I have come back together as though nothing had ever happened. Try not to let this situation eat you up the way it has. I know that it is hard, but I also know that it is possible.
Pikantari OP, you responded to a post of mine back in 2007 in a thread called, "Where is the Love?" It was my first of several long threads that endured through my marriage and separation. In WITL, you were the first responder to my thread.
I really hope I didn't offend you?
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I had turned my situation over to the Lord and you questioned me about that. What did I think my/our Lord was going to do.
Well, the reason I said that is this....I've been to many denominations searching for religion, and I am constantly upset when Christians state, "The Lord will Take Care of it". I am of firm belief, that we were put here and given the gift of life, along with the gift of free will. I don't believe the Lord interfers but gives us the strength and knowledge of choice. I also believe we must meet God half way and more sometimes, but to sit idle and wait for Him to do something to me, is a waiting game that might never happen. Somehow, someway, he gives us strength to get thru what we need to experience, either by choices we made or by our very own destinys. I don't want to get into a discussion on religion b/c I do have a huge problem with Organized religions. But Faith, and trust in God, I do believe in. Just probably not like you or a lot of other people and I apologize if I didn't explain that in my post.
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At that point I had only told my ex husband that I couldn't handle it anymore, his abuse. It took all the strength in the world, but I would need much more. From somewhere, it came. The strength came. People couldn't believe that he was the way he had been.
I know what kind of strength you are talking about, b/c I was there to. I remember having a very slight heart attack over it as well...it was very slight, and even passed out at work once. It was the most difficult time in my life. I cannot tell you how upsetting it was to have people disbelieve me. So, I do understand.
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That is because he was a different person on the outside than he was on the inside. in the end, he showed who he was, and most of those people saw it.
Yes, that is very true, b/c most of these people (abuses, be it mental/physical or both) run a similar pattern. My ex was a terrific lier and a pillar in the community. My couselor at the time told me, he didn't like himself very much so in order for him to deal with who he was, he volunteered for a lot of community affiliations, to feel good about himself. And also, know, a player (person who runs around) only feels good about himself, when he is in a new relationship. That is why they jump from love affair to love affair.
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Today we are both happy in our perspective lives but back then, I turned it over to the Lord. Some things happened here and there that I didn't understand at the time, but over time, there was always a reason. Sometimes I may not have realized until years later. I can look back now and I can see why certain things happened the way they did.
When I was going thru this, my son had told me, "mom, people don't do things for one reason but for many and sometimes we'll never recieve all the answers to our questions". But, yes, with the help of family, friends and neighbors, I did manage to get thru it, but....it was most difficult, one of the darkest times in my life.
It really upset me, that these people I speak of in this thread, believed him? I never ever could understand that, b/c I worked with these people, a long time...they respected me and bought me into they're family????????? I really loved all of them and still do.
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The Christmas tree that my ex-husband bought me one year for my bday sits in his girlfriends living room every year. The first three years, it was very upsetting. Now I don't care.
yes, I know what you mean. When I left, I left a lot of things behind, and he took them to her home, and it bothered me...however, even though I made that comment, I feel more sorry for her then anything else, b/c he will drive her nuts. He is a master at sublimital messages. yanno, he used to ask me, "which way would you like to go?" when we'd leave to go somewhere, and he'd go in the opposite direction then what I said. He would constantly complain about the food I put on the table, and I was and am a pretty darn good cook. It was so bad, I used to shake before serving dinner. He'd run me down constantly, couldn't do the wash right, couldn't shop right, couldn't clean right, and he hogged the TV, and the bathroom (we only had one) without any care for anyone else's needs. And here is the thing that really bothered me. My son, helped him for months, remodel our home, and he took advantage of my son's time with me, and never took us anywhere, but whenever my son was there, as he was much older, he'd have to work on the house, when my son wasn't there, he didn't work on the house by himself or with me. Then my son got a job to do, and had to do it all by himself, and my ex, never went to help him, yet, he used my son all the time, to help him do work, not just on our home, but on his cabin in the mountains. He was not a nice person, then to find out later, he had been running around on me, all those years?????
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My ex was and is a good story teller. Is your ex a good story teller?
OMG, yes, a very good story teller. Extremely convincing.
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You would not believe the things he has made up about me over the years to people and even to my own children. Hatred prevails, but only if we let it.
Yup I would believe it...God only knows what they said about us, that we don't know about.
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I know it is hard to lose people we love. I have lost my parents to cancer. It is hard. I have moved away, but I have made new friends.
I have lost two very close girlfriends to cancer...both of them were extremely close...and yes, it is very difficult.
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If you can, try to move on. Try to free it from yourself. I had to do that re my brother for the past year. I had to let him go because he was causing me a lot of pain. As soon as I did that and blocked certain people on facebook that also had contact with him, things got much better for me.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it is always nice to know, we are not alone, so thank you for coming in here and reminding me of all these things, I do appreciate you.
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Fortunately, my brother and I have come back together as though nothing had ever happened. Try not to let this situation eat you up the way it has. I know that it is hard, but I also know that it is possible.
Wonderful, good for you both....family is extremely important.
thanks so much for coming in and leaving your testimony....sometimes when writing in these forums, you get nasty people who come into your threads and start telling you off for your thoughts and feelings. I don't believe they are able to grasp the concept that just b/c a person doesnt' think and feel like you do, (not meanint you) doesn't make them wrong and you right. they are unable to allow people their culture, especially in this day and age. years ago, people were a whole lot more polite and nicer....so perhaps I came into your thread right after having someone chew me out? I apologize.
Some might say that equating some little spat between friends to the holocaust, Indian massacres, slavery, or child abuse evidences a lack of perspective.
No. I was referring to the length of time that individuals need to overcome the incident(s) or to deal with the pain others have caused. Whether it be emotional, physical, psychological, economical, spiritual, etc. THEY ALL MATTER.
That there really is NO pre-determined amount of time nor is there a gauge to measure how much pain may be experienced. The feelings of abandonment, the questioning of self, oh, the passive aggressive reply, the mean word spoken - all hurt as much as blows to the head.
It may not have been something significant to you, but it is her pain.
This wasn't a slight made by some random employee at a market, somewhere. This was done by a good friend. That for NO reason, just.stopped.being.a.friend.
You've just discounted her AGAIN.
(Please send me your timetable of what amount of hurt is allowed and for which offense.)
No. I was referring to the length of time that individuals need to overcome the incident(s) or to deal with the pain others have caused. Whether it be emotional, physical, psychological, economical, spiritual, etc. THEY ALL MATTER.
That there really is NO pre-determined amount of time nor is there a gauge to measure how much pain may be experienced. The feelings of abandonment, the questioning of self, oh, the passive aggressive reply, the mean word spoken - all hurt as much as blows to the head.
It may not have been something significant to you, but it is her pain.
This wasn't a slight made by some random employee at a market, somewhere. This was done by a good friend. That for NO reason, just.stopped.being.a.friend.
You've just discounted her AGAIN.
(Please send me your timetable of what amount of hurt is allowed and for which offense.)
Thank you, I'd rep you again if I could. You spoke not only for me, but for so many other people who have been hurt....it is amazing how many people are so judgemental if you don't think and feel like they do, it is a debilitating concept, to not be aware of the fact, that everyone is different.
No. I was referring to the length of time that individuals need to overcome the incident(s) or to deal with the pain others have caused. Whether it be emotional, physical, psychological, economical, spiritual, etc. THEY ALL MATTER.
Sure, they all matter, but some matter more than others. I've been through a divorce. It wasn't any fun but I am guessing it probably wasn't as bad as being molested as a child, made a slave, or killed for my race or religion along with millions of others, all examples you cited. So I don't think my divorce was quite as difficult to get over as one of those things. In fact, I find your suggestion that these horrific things are the equivalent in standing to what the OP has described to be offensive.
Talk about discounting! You just discounted the Holocaust, slavery, and the plight of the Native Americans! I think you have lost perspective on these issues.
When I was going through my divorce, I met a guy who went on and on about his ex and how awful it all was etc. I asked him how long it had been and he told me 20 years. I vowed to never carry this divorce around with me like he did, and I haven't.
Now, when I saw this post I quite gently suggested that 18 years was a long time to be thinking about this stuff, and if she had difficulty putting it behind her, well she might want to seek out some assistance. For that I was called rude, cruel, poisonous, and other things that were hardly deserved. Go back and read my original post #11. It was hardly any of those things.
Frankly, the passive/aggressive name calling by the OP ticked me off. And so it was with anyone who didn't sympathize with the OP. So I called it like I saw it. That the OP doesn't want to get over these things, but just wants a little Internet pity party. Fine. That's her business. But I have no intention of enabling her. Who knows. Maybe she'll listen and put this all behind her. My guess is she'd be happier if she did. So really, I am showing more compassion for her than you are.
Last edited by Glenfield; 11-22-2013 at 01:30 PM..
So really, I am showing more compassion for her than you are.
Oh my. Pin a medal on your chest and go away. It wasn't a freaking contest.
As for you accusing me of discounting, - nice try. I am not the one that told another they basically wasted time feeling hurt over a "little spat." I suppose had she been locked up for years and starved, it might merit some compassion from you and not:
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I was quite polite in my original post, but the truth is no one thinks that self pity over something that happened 18 years ago is healthy. I know you don't want to hear that but that's the truth. The one you feel badly for is yourself because not everyone wants to play your poor baby game. If you don't want feedback, don't post.
No one can or should tell another their pain is not worthy of time or importance - more or less as YOU see it to be. Whether 18 hours or 18 years have passed. It was not your call to make.
Talk about HARSH!
Forget about types like that one here, Creme. Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are and not out of some convenience. Who knows why people harbor such feelings. Insecure? Afraid others will abandon them if they don't make the right choice? Who knows?
I choose to support you Creme. That is NOT enabling. Losing friends in such a way is worse than a death. For there is no closure.
Hoping for closure for you, Creme. I know what you are going thru.
This just may be one of those inexplicable mysteries that you learn from and maybe vow never to do to anyone else. Thank her for that. She may just be as hollow as some of the posters, here and that is sad. Narcissistic, maybe? Who knows.
God help them.
(Pssst, I think you're wonderful. It's HER loss. She's a fool)
Tough situation. It's been a while but you might feel better just giving your friends a call to see how they are doing. I think it might help you get some closure. And in a way, you could be keeping your promise to your friend to watch over her kids.
WARNING:::: I will warn you to think about this though, because their response may not be nice, but if you can handle the unknown of the situation, it could turn out good.
I've noticed whenever there's a divorce, friends will side with only one of the couple. So, it's not you, it's just the way it goes. I think it sucks but it is what it is.
To me, pain is pain. Oh my. Pin a medal on your chest and go away. It wasn't a freaking contest.
As for you accusing me of discounting, - nice try. I am not the one that told another they basically wasted time feeling hurt over a "little spat." I suppose had she been locked up for years and starved, it might merit some compassion from you and not:No one can or should tell another their pain is not worthy of time or importance - more or less as YOU see it to be. Whether 18 hours or 18 years have passed. It was not your call to make.
Talk about HARSH!
Forget about types like that one here, Creme. Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are and not out of some convenience. Who knows why people harbor such feelings. Insecure? Afraid others will abandon them if they don't make the right choice? Who knows?
I choose to support you Creme. That is NOT enabling. Losing friends in such a way is worse than a death. For there is no closure.
Hoping for closure for you, Creme. I know what you are going thru.
This just may be one of those inexplicable mysteries that you learn from and maybe vow never to do to anyone else. Thank her for that. She may just be as hollow as some of the posters, here and that is sad. Narcissistic, maybe? Who knows.
God help them.
(Pssst, I think you're wonderful. It's HER loss. She's a fool)
Thank ytou much, we'll see, I mailed a letter to them, so, time will tell...don't expect much, and to, maybe they will have to think it through a little, but at least I tried...I'd have felt bad if anything had happened to any of them and I hadn't. Thanks so very much for your support.
You know what I was thinking about the other day? I guess the day after I posted I was in my think tank (the shower wahahahaha) and I was wondering if it were possible that maybe you were more friends with the wife who passed than the husband that moved on.
Could that be the case at all and you either know it or not realize it? Was the husband more friendly with your ex or were you just as good friends with the husband as with the wife?
I remember what you said about the kids, but that doesn't mean that the new wife is going to want to accept you into her family with open arms.
You know what I was thinking about the other day? I guess the day after I posted I was in my think tank (the shower wahahahaha) and I was wondering if it were possible that maybe you were more friends with the wife who passed than the husband that moved on.
Could that be the case at all and you either know it or not realize it? Was the husband more friendly with your ex or were you just as good friends with the husband as with the wife?
I remember what you said about the kids, but that doesn't mean that the new wife is going to want to accept you into her family with open arms.
Who knows.
Well, it started out that I worked for him....and he was the most fair and knowledgeable person when it came to our work and socially....he was well respected and liked. Actually I learned to love him, in a friencdship way, as he was unique. But when I met his wife, wow, was she a tremendous person, and we became very close. I don't know the answer to that? I loved her dearly and loosing her was terrible for everyone, everyone, so, I really am unable to answer that?
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