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I hate having to be fake and socialize with people who I only see once a year, don't particularly like, and who I know don't particularly like me. My grandmother will give me a hard time if I don't go to her house for Christmas dinner though, and she is in her 80s so I would feel bad for not going. Christmas is a little over a month away and I'm already dreading it. Ugh....
I enjoy Christmas with my SO's family. His mother is a lot of fun. Well, okay, she laughs at my jokes, so clearly she has a great sense of humor.
It's Thanksgiving I could give a miss. I love his aunt, and I get along fine with his cousins, but I am really tired of one of his uncles constantly making points about the turkey with the intent to annoy me (I don't eat meat), and last year I was subjected to an afternoon of Fox News and enough ragging on President Obama that finally I just said, "Look my guy won, your guy lost, so you can just suck it until 2016."
My SO and I have been together a long time, so I can stand up for myself that way. But honestly? I shouldn't have to. Can't people just enjoy a meal in peace?
For the last ten or so years (since my last parent died and my children were older teens) my family had Christmas at my brother's house with his family. My extended family doesn't really exchange presents, sometimes if we find something extra nice or extra special we may give them something, however we do buy/bring presents for the children.
The first few years it was great but a few years ago my brother's family changed their family gift exchange from Christmas morning to Christmas after lunch. So, it usually is my brother and wife, their three adult children & spouses and now three grandchildren, my other brother & his wife and sometimes their two young adult children, my SIL's brother & wife and my husband and me and sometimes our two young adult children.
It is really strange now that my brother's immediate family do their family gift exchange after Christmas dinner/lunch, while there are many extended family members present. My SIL gives approximately three or four large gifts each to her husband and adult children. Each adult child gives one or two gifts to each parent and their siblings/spouses and each of the three grand children get 3 or 4 outfits each and 4 to 6 toys and games each. But, not one gift for the visiting aunts, uncles or visiting teen/young adult cousins (age 16 to 25) and visiting great aunt and great uncle. Each of us bring "hostess gifts" because of being invited to the dinner and gifts for all of the young children.
I don't want to sound like a "greedy Gus" but when I watch over two hours of gift opening (dozens and dozens of gifts) and not even one tiny little package is for me or for my husband or for our children, or any of the other six dinner guests it is very strange. The last two years we tried leave before the gift opening but since we had brought gifts for the grandchildren and the young adult nieces and nephews that seemed strange, too.
I'm not sure what we are going to do this year. We may arrive extra early before Christmas dinner so that we can socialize more then and leave before the immediate family starts their gift giving and just leave whatever presents that we brought to give to others.
Gift giving, among your immediate family; is usually a rather long process and is best done when there are no outsiders present. The after dinner model that you describe seems OK if only gift recipients are present. When other people are there, I think it's rude and boorish.
I'd tell your brother and sister in law that you are not interested in observing their gift giving rituals and that you find it tedious. Alternately, if you bought any gifts, you could send them before hand or leave them with your brother and then make an escape.
What you describe sounds torturous and boring!
You don't sound greedy at all. Who on earth wants to watch other people give and receive gifts? My mind is boggled at the thought!
I'd ask my brother, if I were you. I'm curious as to the reason for this strange practice.
I had cousins who did this as their family got older. We stopped spending holidays together when we were in our late teens/early 20s, and it was only them and their parents.
I can see that, and not every adult takes joy in awakening early to rip open packages.
However, making any extended family member watch, with out giving and receiving gifts seems strange.
Perhaps your brother really wants the privacy and intimacy of a Christmas that only involves his wife and children? That's what comes to mind.
This thread was created with my daughter in mind! Her DH has a huge family - with lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters, etc. having huge gatherings over the holidays. On the other hand, Christmas dinner at our house was usually a total of 8 or 9 people at the most. DH and I are laid back at the holidays - we enjoy Christmas Eve in front of the fireplace with a bottle of wine and not having to go anywhere.
Our daughter's Christmas Eve now involves enduring church (which she is obligated to attend with her DH's family), and a big party at her in-laws, then getting up at the crack of dawn to go to their nephews/nieces to watch them open gifts, another big family brunch, then home to get ready for the big Christmas family dinner. She hates it. I would too. Some years we have a big dinner at her house for both sides of the family, which I enjoy (she doesn't). I do most of the cooking (since she has to be everywhere on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning). She just had a baby (our first grandchild), so I think she'll have an excuse to weasel out of most of the activities this year.
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 11-17-2013 at 08:20 AM..
I enjoy Christmas with my SO's family. His mother is a lot of fun. Well, okay, she laughs at my jokes, so clearly she has a great sense of humor.
It's Thanksgiving I could give a miss. I love his aunt, and I get along fine with his cousins, but I am really tired of one of his uncles constantly making points about the turkey with the intent to annoy me (I don't eat meat), and last year I was subjected to an afternoon of Fox News and enough ragging on President Obama that finally I just said, "Look my guy won, your guy lost, so you can just suck it until 2016."
My SO and I have been together a long time, so I can stand up for myself that way. But honestly? I shouldn't have to. Can't people just enjoy a meal in peace?
you'd be welcome at my house lilac
we try to avoid politics with holidays, i try to make everyone feel comfortable,
just because i have a moose head over the kitchen table doesnt mean we will be talking hunting all day
My favorite day of the year is Dec 26th. All the BS is finally over.
For me it's January 1st, because I include New Year's Eve in all of the BS. I'm just glad when it's January 1st and life is back to normal. I take down the Christmas tree, clean the house, and start looking forward to spring!
My ex-boyfriend's daugthers were like that. I had to spend about 500 on each one because they didn't want *cheap* stuff. spoiled brats.
This is what I am struggling with with my kids. I admit we spoiled them. They are in their 20s now and we really need to back off of the expensive gifts that they are used to. I never know what to get them and end up overcompensating by getting something too expensive to make sure I get something they will like. I don't want to waste money on things they don't really want. And really, I don't think they know themselves what they want. I also do not want them to spend money on us, because I know they can't afford it, but they do anyway. The whole thing would be so much more relaxing without the gift aspect. And yet - I know they really enjoy opening gifts. I have given them money/gift cards in the past because I just didn't know what to get them, but I think they are disappointed not having anything to open, and I think they also consider cash/gift cards less personal.
And from what I just said it sounds like they are very picky and entitled and they really are not. If I said "no gifts this year," all three of them would cheerfully say that was agree that it is fine. I am the one who'd have a problem with it because I don't want to disappoint them and on Christmas morning feel bad that I didn't get them anything.
Part of the problem is that my kids grew up with a lot of wealthy friends and while we are NOT so wealthy, we have tried to give our kids good gifts too. Not really a keep up with a Joneses thing, it's just that that's the norm around here. My kids just think that's normal because that's what they grew up with. They haven't had to experience the real world yet.
Christmas dinner - I am the main cook for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I spent four days cooking for Thanksgiving this year and then four of the 15 people who said they were coming were not there. I found out the day before that three of them wouldn't be coming, and on Thanksgiving Day that the other wouldn't be coming. Two other people said they were coming but I didn't even include them in my count because every year they invite themselves and then don't show up - which is why I don't invite them. Thanksgiving dinner was expensive and time consuming, and I told my husband I'm not doing that for Christmas this year; we can go out to eat or just have our immediate family , but I'm not going to cook for four days and spend a lot of money and invite people who decide at the last minute not to come.
I hate having to be fake and socialize with people who I only see once a year, don't particularly like, and who I know don't particularly like me. My grandmother will give me a hard time if I don't go to her house for Christmas dinner though, and she is in her 80s so I would feel bad for not going. Christmas is a little over a month away and I'm already dreading it. Ugh....
So much so that we go to Disney World and do rides instead! I think next year we'll be showing our "Thanks" for Thanksgiving doing the same thing!
Christmas dinner - I am the main cook for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I spent four days cooking for Thanksgiving this year and then four of the 15 people who said they werecoming were not there. I found out the day before that three of them wouldn't be coming, and on Thanksgiving Day that the other wouldn't be coming. Two other people said they were coming but I didn't even include them in my count because every year they invite themselves and then don't show up - which is why I don't invite them. Thanksgiving dinner was expensive and time consuming, and I told my husband I'm not doing that for Christmas this year; we can go out to eat or just have our immediate family , but I'm not going to cook for four days and spend a lot of money and invite people who decide at the last minute not to come.
That sort of rudeness is incomprehensible to me. Baring a medical emergency or illness, there is just no excuse for giving a one-day notice of non-attendance. Common decency and respect for others demands better. Just as rude would be failing to RSVP one way or the other. If someone has been kind enough to invite us, we should be appreciative enough to make a timely decision and respond. (Yes, I know you did not raise that latter point, but I am raising it.)
I don't blame you for being disgusted; I am disgusted too just reading about it.
Dont worry, they are not going to be around long. Soon they'll be gone and you can spend Christmas day thinking why didn't I ask about my parents' lives when they were young, when they were single, and the world as it was back then through their eyes.
Right, I only wish I still had parents, my older sister and grandparents so I could have a "stressful" Christmas. And some were, but it was still better than what we have now with such a small family.
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Last-minute cancellations
