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Where is the OP? What is the fiance's idea on this matter?
DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU AND YOUR FIANCE ARE IN COMPLETE AGREEMENT ABOUT THIS ISSUE.
Oh, and while you're at it, be sure you agree on religion, discipline of kids, finances, vacations, socializing with friends, and who takes out the trash.
I'm getting married in a few months. And I'm entering into a very complicated family dynamic. My fiance has a horrible relationship with his mother and his father ran out on them when he was a child. He grew up in a bad environment and was, for the most part, taken in by another family as a teenager. Despite not having much of a relationship with her adult children, his mother is very involved in the life of her granddaughter. And I know she will expect the same relationship with our future children. I don't get along well with my fiance's mother, but I do intend to let her have a controlled relationship with her grandchildren. However I don't want my children around her husband. My fiance's step-father makes me extremely uncomfortable. And he's someone I don't want around my future children. Honestly I try to keep as far away from him as possible. I want to make it clear that I do not consider him my father in law. And when I have children I want to make it clear that he's not Grandpa.
Here's where my issue lies though, I'm not sure how to make this not seem petty. I've become very close to the family that took my fiance in as a teenager. I've also become very close to my sister in law (married to my fiance's older brother). They already have a child, and both my fiance's mother and her husband are very involved as grandparents. Also, my fiance's brother and sister in law are not nearly as close with the surrogate family. My sister in law believes that grandparents should be given automatic rights with their grandchildren. I don't.
To make things worse, my fiance's surrogate mother passed away recently. His biological mother then showed up at the visitation and harassed his surrogate father. I was furious and vocal about it. I am open that my loyalty lies with my fiance's surrogate family instead of with his mother and stepfather. However, my issues with the stepfather go way beyond that. I'm wondering, is there a way to draw that line of I don't want this man in my life without alienating my brother and sister in law or being dismissed as me simply picking my fiance's surrogate father over his step father?
You are seriously sounding like you have more baggage about your fiance's family then he does. Why?
It is a foregone conclusion that there will be some real issues in this future relationship. Are you really going into this situation with so many negative agendas and demands already, it is self destructive imo
As a future inlaw....it is in part your responsibility to participate in the family. Your husband is truly the one that should decide how much he wants his family involved with his life. You need to prepare yourself because your attitude will be destructive to his being able to do that.
What about your family? Does your future husband adore all of them?? How do you plan on handling issues if he doesn't?
Think about this.
Unless the step-father has done something to make him a danger to children, he is likely to be a participant in your MIL having visits etc.
You obviously harbor resentments for your future husband's childhood disruption....Only he knows what happened..if he doesn't harbor resentment, than you absolutely need to get a grip. Why perpetuate that drama, expecially if he is trying to now have a relationship w/ his parents.
These are your issues...Deal with them, or don't marry this young man.
Last edited by JanND; 07-23-2013 at 05:58 AM..
Reason: edit text
It's surprisingly easy to avoid family members by making different plans for yourself and your own family. Visit occasionally on your terms and call it a day. Almost everyone has a black sheep in their family that gives them the creeps.
The key thing is that you and your husband have to be in agreement about where you stand. If you feel one way and he feels another, it's going to create huge problems for YOU and could poison the marriage. I would make sure that's ironed out before kids came close to being in the picture.
I would say you can to some degree choose how much involvement to have with them. I came from a family where we saw the grandparents on one side regularly and on the other, only once or twice a year. This was both done purposefully and helped by a wise choice in not living in the same town. Even if you guys need to stay in the same city, you might find a lot more peace if you live 15 miles away versus 1 mile away.
If your husband wants his children to have some contact, you can always do outings where you go out together--to a restaurant, to the park--never leaving them alone with the MIL. If you don't trust SFIL, don't leave the kids with him, ever. But, it may be hard to control if MIL brings him along, unless there's some real reason you can give for being afraid of him.
Also, why do they make you feel "uncomfortable"? Keeping a child away from their grandparents is a major step. One that should not be taken lightly. You could end up causing a lot of resentment from your children when they are older.
I have a parent that (although I never actually kept my children away from) I would occasionally visit with the children, but it was always only when I was there as well. I would never leave them there alone. I don't think any "resentment" would come from protecting a child, and that's something they would understand when they were older and able to...stand firm...your sister in law is wrong, as protecting any children you have TOPS any so called "rights" that she feels Grandparents should automatically have, especially when they have a "track record) so to speak, that's not exactly loving and stable.
I'm getting married in a few months. And I'm entering into a very complicated family dynamic. My fiance has a horrible relationship with his mother and his father ran out on them when he was a child. He grew up in a bad environment and was, for the most part, taken in by another family as a teenager. Despite not having much of a relationship with her adult children, his mother is very involved in the life of her granddaughter. And I know she will expect the same relationship with our future children. I don't get along well with my fiance's mother, but I do intend to let her have a controlled relationship with her grandchildren. However I don't want my children around her husband. My fiance's step-father makes me extremely uncomfortable. And he's someone I don't want around my future children. Honestly I try to keep as far away from him as possible. I want to make it clear that I do not consider him my father in law. And when I have children I want to make it clear that he's not Grandpa.
Here's where my issue lies though, I'm not sure how to make this not seem petty. I've become very close to the family that took my fiance in as a teenager. I've also become very close to my sister in law (married to my fiance's older brother). They already have a child, and both my fiance's mother and her husband are very involved as grandparents. Also, my fiance's brother and sister in law are not nearly as close with the surrogate family. My sister in law believes that grandparents should be given automatic rights with their grandchildren. I don't.
To make things worse, my fiance's surrogate mother passed away recently. His biological mother then showed up at the visitation and harassed his surrogate father. I was furious and vocal about it. I am open that my loyalty lies with my fiance's surrogate family instead of with his mother and stepfather. However, my issues with the stepfather go way beyond that. I'm wondering, is there a way to draw that line of I don't want this man in my life without alienating my brother and sister in law or being dismissed as me simply picking my fiance's surrogate father over his step father?
Nothing sounds petty or trivial to me.
This "family" has ninety nine problems that you don't want. Have you been honest with your fiance about the "controlled relationship" that you are expecting? I mean, have you really let him know what a controlled relationship is?
And, what is it for you?
I'll give you an idea of what that would be for me.
1. Meeting several times a year at a neutral place such as a restaurant, a kid's place like Busters or a bowling alley for a couple of rounds or some mini golf and an ice cream cone.
2. No sleepovers - EVER.
3. No calling the mother's husband "Grandpa" "pop pop" or anything. This man could be out of her life at some time. I do not personally believe in "Step Grandparents on Parade".
Just call him George, or whatever his name is.
Who is George? Their grandmother's current husband.
What exactly are you picking up from this man? I am picking up something from your post. And it isn't good.
4. No holidays together. None. Holidays make dysfunctional families go into high gear.
I have no doubt that your future MIL will want to be all over your children when they arrive.
I equally have no doubt that your husband to be will see nothing wrong with this.
Doesn't sound all that complicated to me. Like so many people, you've apparently decided to marry into a family whose dynamics match your own. In your case, that means family drama rife with politics and control issues.
Since you asked for advice, I'd recommend dealing with your own issues rather than marrying into a family that reinforces and perpetuates them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by unicorngirl938
I'm getting married in a few months. And I'm entering into a very complicated family dynamic.
I'm also wondering if you made the decision unilaterally that your future mother in law can only have a "controlled" relationship with her future grandchildren because you don't get along with her. Does your fiancee know you plan to control the extent of the interactions between them?
To be honest, it sounds like you just don't like either of them on a personal level, and because of that it most likely will seem petty to others.
That's what I was thinking --- this is about his family and if he doesn't want his mother in the picture, he's going to have to be involved in some of this planning for the future.
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