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I think it's very normal to be curious about a parent after not having seen them for yrs., but I personally wouldn't do anything about that feeling. Feelings come and go, but I think acting on them is another story, could open up a can of worms better left unopened. My take anyway.
I think if it were me I would leave it alone and not contact him. If he wanted to contact you he could have tried and never did. He moved across country and has lost contact with most of his family. Obviously this isn't a man that wants to have close family contact.
I concur with the above. You have proved yourself to yourself, you don't need his aproval for how you turned out. Chances are he'd take your interest as a sign of wanting to care for him or better put "take care of him". It's a can of worms most likely. I'd seek professinal counciling to uncover what is really under this desire at "this" point in your life. You could have looked him up many times, why now?
Good luck.
Here is how I would look at it. If you contact him, its there is a 50% chance it will turn out bad, which means there is a 50% chance it will turn out ok. If you don't contact him, there is a 100% chance you will regret it the day he dies. He could be too ashamed to contact you and he could think about his lost family everyday, or not. You won't know unless you try.
I also see this viewpoint as well. Guy paid his debt and he never bothered with my mother again. I also feel he may have had some type of imbalance (not the horror movie type) hehad a tough poor life and worked hard for little pay when we were growing up. He basically had no role models or examples to follow, not an excuse I know, just wondering if he might just not have been 'good at life' so to say.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beansprout
Definitely something I've thought about many times as well. One part of the story I didn't include (because its so long and we're on a forum) is he was never abusive (physically, yelling, hell yes) towards us boys. Him and my mother were literally oil and water looking back on it. She avoided arguing which pissed him off even more. They should have never married looking back from my point of view. But my mother took 95% of his wrath.
If I'm purely guessing, I'm going with lonely angry man pissed at himself, his family was entirely good and I'm sure told him many times that he screwed up his and our lives so that's where my pitying him comes in.
You mentioned that the rest of your father's family who grew up in a similar environment but were good.
Many people come from dysfunctional families or have gone through horrific experiences but have never
abused or hurt anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokencrayola
I think if it were me I would leave it alone and not contact him. If he wanted to contact you he could have tried and never did. He moved across country and has lost contact with most of his family. Obviously this isn't a man that wants to have close family contact.
Has your father ever tried to contact you? If not I would agree with the above^^^. The only thing
that I would suggest since this is troubling you would be to try a phone call and see how the conversation
goes. However, I would be concerned for your own safety, your mother's feelings (I wouldn't tell her
since I can't imagine how she coped with all that happened) and your own emotions if it didn't turn out
as you hoped.
Do what you think is right but protect your family and protect yourself.
I'm with this and of the school of thought that if something is tugging on you to that extent, perhaps you should listen to it. Since you stated that you have no fantasies about fixing everything and some Hollywood happy ending, then you'll probably be going in with the right frame of mind.
Here is how I would look at it. If you contact him, its there is a 50% chance it will turn out bad, which means there is a 50% chance it will turn out ok. If you don't contact him, there is a 100% chance you will regret it the day he dies. He could be too ashamed to contact you and he could think about his lost family everyday, or not. You won't know unless you try.
I don't think she needs to have ANY say in this. This is between the father and the OP, exclusively. The OP should not mention the mother AT ALL in their conversation if her safety is a concern. Personally, I would not mention this to his mother at all.
I think if you knew someone who was the victim of violent abuse, you might have a different opinion.
But I do agree with you that if the OP does choose to reach out, that he should not mention his mother AT ALL.
And not mention it to his mother? Do you think she won't ever find out and feel blind-sided over it? That just doesn't seem realistic to me.
I think if you knew someone who was the victim of violent abuse, you might have a different opinion.
But I do agree with you that if the OP does choose to reach out, that he should not mention his mother AT ALL.
And not mention it to his mother? Do you think she won't ever find out and feel blind-sided over it? That just doesn't seem realistic to me.
The OP is an adult. If he wishes to contact his biological father he should go ahead and do so. It is absurd to allow the possible disapproval of anyone else to veto that.
Contacting the father does not constitute endorsement of his horrible actions in the past. Obviously there is some deep emotional tie whcih has survived those horrible actions. Only the OP can judge that and draw the consequences.
To me, the OP appears mature and thoughtful. We are not talking about a 20-year-old here. I believe the OP will be able to handle the disappointment if the contact is made and things do not work out well. It's worth a try, especially if there are no unrealistic hopes.
Mom almost lost her life to a sadistic man decades ago
Now her son wants to risk a similar fate by deliberately getting involved with a killer, her husband, his father
It's beyond stupid for you to deliberately contact the man who tried to murder your mother, I don't care who he is.
And I am confident she doesn't deserve this by you.
It would be a form of severe emotional abuse BY YOU.. towards your own Mother.. for you to deliberately seek a similar fate
Last edited by californiawomann5; 01-19-2014 at 07:37 PM..
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The OP is a mature adult.
