Question about manners. (person, member, money, feel)
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Because we are supposed to use manners to ensure the other person's comfort, not call them on the carpet. It's about awareness of the other person's feelings, REGARDLESS of whether they have shown similar sensitivity for your feelings.
You don't have to answer the question about how much something cost, but you also can do that without pointing out their error in an obvious way.
I always "joke answer" a question like that, with something like, "More than I wanted!" Then I move on.
Of course, Miss Manners would say that bragging about an extravagant vacation was bad manners also.
I think the Miss Manners approach is to not confront rudeness with more rudeness. Her response to a question like that would be "why do you ask?" It's polite, and it points out that there's no reason for the questioner to have asked something that personal.
Because we are supposed to use manners to ensure the other person's comfort, not call them on the carpet. It's about awareness of the other person's feelings, REGARDLESS of whether they have shown similar sensitivity for your feelings.
You don't have to answer the question about how much something cost, but you also can do that without pointing out their error in an obvious way.
I always "joke answer" a question like that, with something like, "More than I wanted!" Then I move on.
Of course, Miss Manners would say that bragging about an extravagant vacation was bad manners also.
Right, but this is what I'm questioning. WHY is it expected to disregard how one regards your feelings?
It goes back to 'two wrongs don't make a right'.
Calling someone out on their bad manners doesn't help the situation in any way, it simply makes an uncomfortable situation worse.
Right, but this is what I'm questioning. WHY is it expected to disregard how one regards your feelings?
Obviously, the person asking the "rude" question either 1. didn't think it was rude to ask the question or 2. has no concern for your feelings.
Pointing out that it hurt your feelings or you were affronted by it will do one of two things: get you labeled as "touchy" (b/c the person asking the rude question obviously didn't think it was rude and so therefore thinks you are over-reacting) . . . or it will embarrass the other person, making them feel uncomfortable around you in the future.
If you are into blow ups over minor stuff, by all means address it! If you hope to embarrass the other person b/c you don't like them and hope they will get the message to stay out of your path . . . then, by all means call them on the carpet.
One might say that making such a statement as you used in your example is "begging" for someone to ask "how much did you spend" or "what made it so extravagant."
Turning it into - "how dare you ask such a rude question" would most likely make me, personally, think you are a jerk. After all, you were the one bemoaning how much money you had spent . .. which pretty much would bait the other person into curiosity about "what constitutes extravagance."
Right, but this is what I'm questioning. WHY is it expected to disregard how one regards your feelings?
I've got a Miss Manner's book for my young daughter and read through it... There was a section about dealing with rude people. Of course it does follow what the previous poster says (don't confront rudeness w/ more rudeness. Treat as how you want to be treated, et. c). The section does explain what one could do, so there are courses of mannerly actions one could take.
But as to the example-situation posted in the OP: Person #1 could simply defer or change the subject, and if the Person #2 insists on knowing-- Person #1 can simply bow out. For Person #1 to immediately "confront" about the rudeness comes off as self-righteous, chastising, condescending-- which is actually more ruder than what Person #2 did. Person #2 could simply be a dense person, or simply be obliviously innocuous. If it was the the case that Person #2 really is that rude... last thing you'd want to do is escalate it into a tense or heated situation.
Treat others as you would like to be treated. It's expected because compassion and civility make society move forward, not backward.
^^^ This. Plus I would hope my good manners might set an example. Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic .
I do get where the OP is coming from though. There are times when I desperately wish someone other than me would point out a family member's dreadful table manners as my comments are always dismissed and ignored. Ah well.
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