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Hi. I have no idea how to approach any of this, so I'll start small and fill in any blanks later if I still can't come to a solution relatively soon.
First of all, I understand trolling and judgmental people will probably be all over this thread. I get that. I'm looking for solid ideas, and maybe talking to posters who might have gone though what I'm going through now and can offer solutions that I have yet to think of.
Here goes nothing.
I come from a toxic family. I've done a great job at staying at bay from them, the latest was over 2,000 miles. Toxic= drama, alcoholism, disrespect, mean and hurtful situations caused by those who say they love me yet do cruel things on purpose just to get me angry or to get a rise out me. Al be it, I'm slow to pick this up sometimes due to that pesky thing I call "denial".
We've recently moved back-recently meaning last October-due to my best friend grieving from her husband's sudden death. I wanted to be here for her. So we live around my toxic family-again.
Anyway...my sister. God love her. I have never lived with her before as a child or an adult. This is the first time. Given that I have 5 siblings, and 4 of them are half-siblings who lived with their father (not mine), I really did not "know" them as well as I surely do now.
My sister, let's call her Jan. She went through chemo 6 years ago when she had breast cancer. She doesn't go the doctor or take pills because she says, "I'm not going through that #$% again so I don't want to @#$ know".
O.k. your life, your decision I guess.
She is also a raging alcoholic. Now, she lived 17 years in Florida as an out and proud lesbian, which is fine, but three of her girlfriends beat her up and she was on probation for a DUI and said she could not fight back and risk going back to jail.
O.k., I really want to stay out of this, but it's your life, I guess.
So, my parents went and picked her up when she lost her job and her probation ended two years ago and brought her to live with them further south from where I live now.
In February of this year, my husband and I were visiting my parents and we all sat around the table and made the decision to house Jan in one of our empty rooms until she found a job and could live on her own.
Now, Jan was on unemployment at the time which was running low, she had lived there over a year with my folks and instead of looking for a job down there, she just lived off of unemployment, drank, and played video games. This I didn't learn about until after she had moved in with me.
To her defense, the first month or two were fine and cordial. She looked for work once her unemployment ran out and basically we couldn't afford her beer and cigarettes. I'm out of work as I just finished college and my husband is supporting us both (on meager wages) which everyone understood that night at mom's kitchen table.
Now it's been a few more months and to stay we don't get along would be an understatement. I realize now that her excessive drinking is directly tied to her cancer, which I can't understand what that's like but I'm not inhumane, I know she has to find a way to cope. Again, it's her life, but when she's out of beer and having withdrawls, she becomes a mean, mean, mean monster.
It's taken me every ounce of patience I have to get her to call for help for foodstamps, disability, and medicare for any kind of help. She is 50 now as of a few days ago, and I felt like we were marking progress. She finally changed her address to qualify for the local county cancer assistance here, and she is making arrangements for disability.
I helped her look for work and took her to an interview where we made the decision together that she would not be able to work anywhere she would have lift over 20 lbs. She's in pain once in a while that knocks her down for a week at a time.
I know she's struggling. I'm not cruel, I don't even find her ungrateful for the support and help I've given her because I can forgive her for not making anything but her crisis her top priority, I get that.
What I don't get, what I can't cope with, is her "temper tantrums" I guess. When she gets mean, she takes it out on me, and as of yesterday, she took it out on my pets. I asked her not to yell and scream at them because her tone of voice makes them afraid (as my poor 10 year old lab tucked tail and sulked out of the room thinking she was in trouble) and before I could finish my sentence to her, she went after them.
I mean, just to **** me off, she started yelling and being a ***** to my poor animals just to prove she didn't have to do what I asked.
She's worn out her welcome with my 5 other siblings as they returned her like a Christmas fruitcake to my parents after 2 months. I'm sibling number 6 and I've had from February to now with her, so I've held out the longest.
I'd like to thank Xanax for my longevity with my crazy sister.
So, I've made the rounds of calls to my family, and everyone knows what I am calling for, and they are purposefully not calling me back...they know, and they don't want any part of it.
I'm not on speaking terms with my mom and dad right now because of other crap that I haven't had time or care to deal with, let's just say it's toxic drama x 100.
I can certainly call my mom, and rise above this crap to come get her, but I have a sneaking suspicion she will say, "nope, she's all yours" just to "punish" me because like sister like mother...they both have this wonderful mean streak.
Ah how I've missed my family. NOT.
So....here you go. I have to get my toxic alcoholic, mean spirited, sister out of my house and out of my life.
Sorry guys, but I don't have a close tie or bond with my family and in my defense, I've had to cut all of these ties because the manipulation, the alcoholism, the betrayal, all of that should be on General Hospital, not my sofa.
What do I do now? No one will take her for obvious reasons, and my poor husband, bless him, says he supports any decision I make I just don't know where to go from here.
I think I outlasted my sibling counterparts because I tried for so many months to build a relationship with her and understand her. All that turned out to be was ammunition she collected during those "bonding moments' to use against me. Which equated to "let's get drunk, and put this on facebook because it's funny" and other ways to be, just, um, yeah.
I know this all sounds very, disconnected and heartless. but I'm at the point in my life where I have to be a little selfish with my sanity. Every time I try and do things for these toxic people, it blows up in my face, backfires, and I'm the one who gets scarred and hurt the most.
I can honestly say that because, I'm the only one who's sober to remember what happened. My mom is always tore up with black eyes and bruises on her cheeks (she's 70 YEARS OLD FFS) and can't remember how or why.
sigh.
When will I learn to say NO!?! OH how do I get out of this mess!
First of all, kudos to you and your husband - you for finding and keeping such a good man after such a hard upbringing, and him for being such a great guy.
Now, on to your sister.
Apparently, her behavior, attitude, personality, etc was this warped before she had cancer, right? So - you can rule out meds or mestasized cancer or whatever as causing her behavior - sounds like she'd act this way with no cancer involved. If she wasn't depressed about cancer, she'd be depressed about something else - and drowning her sorrows in drink and yelling at animals (which is about like yelling at your kids - sheeze!).
If I were you, I would make an appointment with a social worker. You can get a good referral from your local workforce commission office if you don't know who to turn to - and I might start there anyway. After all, she is looking for work, technically speaking, though I doubt she'll be able to find much of a job in her current mental, emotional, and physical condition - let alone keep one.
A social worker can lay out all her options for you.
I think the odds of your sister actually conforming to healthy parameters in your home are slim to none - which means that you will either have to put up with her or get her out of there. I vote for Door Number Two.
She most likely does qualify for some sort of assisted living or at the least subsidized housing.
I think you need to clearly outline your parameters, and tell her that if she doesn't abide by those, she is going to be literally put out on the street. Tell her that frankly you do not expect her to conform, since she already knows she's stepping over the line continuously, so you are willing to help her make a transition by going with her to talk with a social worker (AFTER you have already gone and scoped out the options). Tell her that if she doesn't abide by your house rules, you will put her out on the street even if it means that she ends up at the Salvation Army (which actually isn't a bad idea by the way - their whole goal in life is to get people OUT of the Salvation Army and into self sufficiency), so it's best to cooperate.
She won't cooperate.
I would also go talk to the local police to determine how you actually get an adult out of your house legally. You may need to get a restraining order.
Your sister has played the victim role her entire life. But the bottom line is - she brings this stuff on herself. It's a pity she has cancer, but don't let that fact make you forget that she's frankly always been a *****.
What are your bounderies with her? No drinking in your home should be one, if she does, she is out. You are a classic enabler and codependent. There are many forums on the net for family & friends of abusive addicts and there is always Alanon. I would suggest that you read Codependent No More by Meoldie Beattie, good first step to learn how to regain your life.
No more beer or cigarettes.....she'll figure out where/how to move..
We had litterally run out of money for these things and that's when her behavior went from bad to really worse. I've finally had the balls to stop shutting myself in my room in my own house and now I just go about my business letting her hang her emotions out for the world to see.....and just ignore it. The problem I foresee is that now she's going to be on disability, which means (and I don't know how much she'll get or what-have-you) but I can figure it won't be enough for her to sustain a home of her own, which was a bright future if she had a job and could move out.
Now I feel...stuck with her until I litteraly kick her out.
Which is ironic because she's already telling the family that she's homeless (she claims its funny when I've told her repeatedly it's not) and now I'd like to make her dream come true....
First of all, kudos to you and your husband - you for finding and keeping such a good man after such a hard upbringing, and him for being such a great guy.
He is a great guy. I believe he's "paying me back" for the last 4 year jaunt of his mother living with us (who is an alcoholic manipulator) and he supported her and I while I finished my school. I think we're finally at the point that being Mr & Mrs nicepeople is going to be very shortlived in our immediate future.
Now, on to your sister.
Apparently, her behavior, attitude, personality, etc was this warped before she had cancer, right? Since I didn't really know her, there is 14 years between our ages so I have deduced that this assumption is correct...especially given her track record of how many times she gets her bum beat..I finally know why. So - you can rule out meds or mestasized cancer or whatever as causing her behavior - sounds like she'd act this way with no cancer involved. If she wasn't depressed about cancer, she'd be depressed about something else - and drowning her sorrows in drink and yelling at animals (which is about like yelling at your kids - sheeze!). I'm glad you said that. We don't have children, but when she went off like that, THAT was exactly my first thought. She had mentioned her former girlfriends and relationships all involved their children living with them, to which she was soon thrown out. In my denial and nievity, I can think of a few situations of what actually occurred. I used to think she didn't tell me her stories because she was always a private and shy girl, and a closet lesbian for so long. Now I know why she REALLY didn't tell me what all happened. She KNOWS what she does.
If I were you, I would make an appointment with a social worker. You can get a good referral from your local workforce commission office if you don't know who to turn to - and I might start there anyway. After all, she is looking for work, technically speaking, though I doubt she'll be able to find much of a job in her current mental, emotional, and physical condition - let alone keep one. I completely agree. She's very unstable, and I'm at the point in my maturity (all be it far later than I wish I could have grown up to these things...I'm 37...I'm at the point where I fully recognize she needs help beyond anything I can do, and it needs to be professional help. The emotional cost here is too great a price for me to pay.
A social worker can lay out all her options for you. Great idea, that's why I came to this board. I hadn't thought of that since she threw a fit when I suggested counseling. We had this whole drawn out fight about how I can't help someone who won't help themselves, and she thought I was trying to change her and I just wanted her to have a life of her own...oye.
I think the odds of your sister actually conforming to healthy parameters in your home are slim to none - which means that you will either have to put up with her or get her out of there. I vote for Door Number Two. I vote with you. Just not sure quite how to do this...I am assuming I'm going to look like the jackass no matter how I go about doing this? She's that kind of person who wants to be "victimized and the martyr" all in one shot.
She most likely does qualify for some sort of assisted living or at the least subsidized housing. I hope so, she can't continue her self-destruction spiral any longer here.
I think you need to clearly outline your parameters, and tell her that if she doesn't abide by those, she is going to be literally put out on the street. Tell her that frankly you do not expect her to conform, since she already knows she's stepping over the line continuously, so you are willing to help her make a transition by going with her to talk with a social worker (AFTER you have already gone and scoped out the options). Tell her that if she doesn't abide by your house rules, you will put her out on the street even if it means that she ends up at the Salvation Army (which actually isn't a bad idea by the way - their whole goal in life is to get people OUT of the Salvation Army and into self sufficiency), so it's best to cooperate.
She won't cooperate. She's actually using this as her plan when she assumes I'm going to "give up on her" as she states. I honestly think this is part of her plan with everyone...to push them away from her so they aren't burdened by her cancer...I overheard her say this on a phone call while I was doing laundry outside of her bedroom.She constantly struggles with this aspect because she honestly does love me said to her friend, but she doesn't want to be a burden. then again, that might be part of her ploy to appeal to her friend when she is in fact, the devil in disguise.
I would also go talk to the local police to determine how you actually get an adult out of your house legally. You may need to get a restraining order. OH my, let's hope it doesn't come to this but I know this road all too well. After she yelled at my dogs, well, I kinda snapped. No, I had not taken my Xanax, and I went all crazy ghetto on her. Totally loosing my control and telling her that when she threatens my pets, she threatens me, and I would beat her sorry a$$ down. I kinda figured she might respond to this since she's a scrapper, but she just laughed at me. I'd laugh too if I wasn't so mad. Here is this scrawny 5'0 white girl with glasses trying to be a big old peacock and stand her ground. I do believe it was comical to watch from her end. I would have still tried my damnedest to beat her a$$.
Your sister has played the victim role her entire life. But the bottom line is - she brings this stuff on herself. It's a pity she has cancer, but don't let that fact make you forget that she's frankly always been a *****.
THANK YOU! these are the thoughts I had felt SO GUILTY ABOUT feeling. I hate THAT! With all the manipulation from my family since childhood, I have the hardest time believing how I feel and how I react, I second guess my existence sometimes because I've always been told how to feel, what's right, what's wrong, it's been quite a journey to have actual feelings I can trust. And that's exactly how I feel.
I'll tell you, my whole family has been so ungrateful about everything I do. I know if and when I do kick her out, I'll have to listen to "how could she kick out poor Jan with cancer, what a selfish @#$#". But, alas, I don't care what they think anymore.
YAY THERAPY!
They can say what they like, they can open their home to her and see for themselves I wasn't crazy after all.
Ok, so I need to talk to a social worker. I will get on that in the morning since it's Sunday.and let you know how it goes?
She knows she's getting to you, and like most abusive, drama-queen, and addictive personalities, she takes great pleasure in it, as well as in manipulating you.
The previous posters were right; get some outside help from social workers and the police to find out how to get this person out on her own and far away from you and your hubby.
I sympathize; my mother was the same sort of alcoholic, dramatic, verbally abusive manipulator, and we tried every way we could think of to get her out of our house - we had taken her in because she fell down and broke her hip and had nowhere to go. Finally, when she tried to seduce my husband in front of our teen daughter, we threw her out. (to this day he is still grossed out by it)
I have found that there is usually a reason why many people (not all, but many) are homeless and 'abandoned' by their family - it's because they are toxic. Your sister is responsible for her own life and behavior - you are not. If she won't take responsibility for herself, it is not your problem.
BTW, toxic people like this always - ALWAYS! - have an excuse why they cannot take care of themselves; be it cancer, or alcoholism, abusive relationships, or even criminal records... any 'excuse' is better than the real reason - they don't want to, and as long as they have people that they can live off of, they don't have to.
What are your bounderies with her? No drinking in your home should be one, if she does, she is out. You are a classic enabler and codependent. There are many forums on the net for family & friends of abusive addicts and there is always Alanon. I would suggest that you read Codependent No More by Meoldie Beattie, good first step to learn how to regain your life.
You know...I went to Alanon meetings when I was in highschool for my alcoholic mother. I am enabling her, and my excuse would be because I'm too chicken poop to deal with her withdrawls.
that's freaking awful.
Where are my balls?
Well, she ended up getting birthday money from everyone she cried to and there is beer a flowing right now, but she's going to soon run out.
and that's when it will have to begin because we can't buy her anything. we're barely surviving. She took all the pills and any booze we had months ago and I never replenished for obvious reasons.
I'll go read that article, this is quite the new territory for me.
Set boundries and stick with them and quit enabling her to continue to suck the life out of your life.
So she had cancer and had chemo, lots of people do and move forward even after job loss and unemployment loss, they find something to help themselves.
As for the liquor in your home now tell her it has to be taken out of the house immediately by her and NOT kept anywhere on your property or YOU will get rid of it for her.
Good luck with this mess and I hope you get it straightened out soon.
All I could find was her books and workbooks, but I did find this rather interesting in a regular google search. Enabler / Co-dependent
An enabler is a person who unknowingly makes it easier for an addict to continue their self-destructive behavior.
Signs of an enabler:
makes excuses and lies for the addict
believe one can maintain healthy relationships, by avoiding conflict and nurturing dependency
doing things for the addict, that they are capable of doing themselves
fear harm, if you do not meet their needs
may have a low self-esteem, feel need to please
give up personal commitments, for the addict
more often then not, you cant say no
your time is consumed with worry
money or vehicle loans are given, to make situations ok
special or secretive relationships are formed with addict
over protective
you feel you can handle situation better then anyone else, feeling that you have things under control
despite your help, they seam to have more problems then you initially believed
you have been told that you are "too close" to your dependant friend
When an individual assists or allows another person to continue in their addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling. Most often an enabler is unaware, and is only acting out what they feel is best at that time. Due to fear or lack of knowledge one may not respond when appropriate, or lack in appropriate response when needed. Saying nothing can also be a form of enabling. This can add increased stress and pain in your relationship.
Enabling is difficult to stop on your own. Increasing self-esteem and gaining knowledge will help you to become strong, offering effective support.
A Co-dependent is a person who is addicted to helping someone, they need to be needed. The co-dependent person will create situations to cause the addict to continue to be in need, and reach out for assistance. This behavior is Enabling. A Co-dependent often sees problems with everyone and views themselves as the only person who can help.
In Short Co-dependency is ... an addiction to being needed.
Co-dependency Test:
1. Do you feel rejected, hurt or offended when someone you love tells you they don't need your help?
2. Do you measure your self-esteem by how much someone depends on you?
3. After helping someone, do you ever feel depressed, confused, tired or ill?
4. If an addicted individual asked you for money to help with their expenses, would you give them the money?
5. When someone shares a life or relationship problem with you, but doesn't ask for help, do you offer help or advice, anyway?
6. Do you find that you are surrounded mostly by people who need you?
7. Do you ever find yourself making excuses for the needy people in your life?
8. If someone you love has a substance abuse, emotional, spending or gambling problem, do you avoid confronting them?
9. Do you ever remind people where they would be without you?
10. Have you spied on, read notes, emails or checked others bank accounts without their permission?
11. Has someone resorted to arguing, begging or raising their voice to get you to stop trying to help them?
12. Do you help others before helping yourself?
Co-dependent relationships enable unhealthy behaviors like drinking, spending or gambling too much, and abusing prescription or street drugs. These behaviors coincide with bad money management, overdrawing bank accounts, bouncing checks, maxing credit cards and having trouble with banking agencies, loan sharks or unhappy dealers. Unfortunately, this can ultimately result in getting arrested, or worse beaten or killed.
See what I mean about coming late the maturity party? How did I not realize I am this person, I do these things, and I'm not helping this situation?! My sister is a 50 year old grown woman, I mean who am I to tell her how to live her life? but...technically this is not my house. My husband I are actually staying in the other bedroom of my grieving widow best friend's house who agreed to let my sister stay here if she paid rent and bills-her share, which my husband and I have been covering for her.
Or should I say now, enabling her to continue to party like a frat girl at 50? Sarah, my roommate/bf/homeowner goes with me and supports any and all of my decisions. She made that clear when all of this crap started going south. She said her priority was to support me, and that means she's behind me if I chose to kick Jan out, otherwise she just goes about her business like a good roommate.
Wow. Just...wow. I'm an enabler, and a co-dependent. This revelation really sucks. Now I don't know what to do except live in a bubble. XD
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