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That's where you're wrong. Withdrawing without commenting on it is passive-aggressive.
Hmm, I can see that you're very immune to the idea of examining yourself so I will just say this--how many people are going to confront you and tell you that they don't like you or don't like the way you're dealing with them? Almost none is my guess--most people will just withdraw b/c it's easier to do so than to try to change someone's personality. And just from this one post it's obvious that you are a domineering sort--most people don't come right out and tell someone they're wrong, and they're not being P/A--they're actually considering the POV of that person. I haven't seen you do that yet unless that view already agrees with what you believe. We're not trying to attack you--we're trying to help you see that you may be contributing to the dynamics of the "relationship" with the people that you are claiming are P/A but you refuse to hear.
Passive-aggressive behavior really does exist, and it is frustrating to deal with people who seem to "punish" you for whatever you've done that they disagree with. It is hard trying to figure out why they've shut you out, ignored your phone calls, etc. Yep, you have to sit there wondering what you've done wrong because they won't tell you, because they're being passive-aggressive.
And sure, I'm the first to admit that it is SO, SO, SO HARD to open up to a person who's done something I don't like, that I too have been one to withdraw, attempting to preserve that individual's feelings. But in the long run, it doesn't help the relationship to keep everything bottled inside, and worse, the passive-aggressive person gets more p.a. while the other gets more frustrated.
The one who has no idea what he/she did wrong cannot fix the problem if the p.a. person won't tell him/her.
Passive-aggressive behavior really does exist, and it is frustrating to deal with people who seem to "punish" you for whatever you've done that they disagree with. It is hard trying to figure out why they've shut you out, ignored your phone calls, etc. Yep, you have to sit there wondering what you've done wrong because they won't tell you, because they're being passive-aggressive.
And sure, I'm the first to admit that it is SO, SO, SO HARD to open up to a person who's done something I don't like, that I too have been one to withdraw, attempting to preserve that individual's feelings. But in the long run, it doesn't help the relationship to keep everything bottled inside, and worse, the passive-aggressive person gets more p.a. while the other gets more frustrated.
The one who has no idea what he/she did wrong cannot fix the problem if the p.a. person won't tell him/her.
And if the person who's done something wrong is told what the problem is, and chooses not to change the behavior, then at least he/she's been given the opportunity to fix it or not. Then the passive-aggressive person can either move on or stick around. Ya know?
My thread was initially venting but adding the value of the link to provide context into what is a real syndrome out in the world.
I truly believe the people who argued about the definition of passive aggressive in my example might have been triggered by exposure or something . . . not really sure, obviously, because I don't know everyone or their motives or what secret hostilities they might be harboring towards a more direct person, such as myself.
I just wanted to draw attention to the behavior which is not often named and is super hurtful and destructive.
Yes, you did. And it is definitely hurtful and destructive. Had to go back and read your initial post regarding PA behavior. It seemed to me you were talking specifically about certain people who have done this or who are currently doing it to you, now and not just about the definition of the behavior. It makes no difference to me which one it was. I do agree that passive aggressive people are a challenge. You never quite know how to talk to them. Never sure if you're going to be met with friendly conversation or accusatory comments. As I said in a previous comment, I've met some people like that and thankfully not that many but it is exhausting, trying to communicate with them. Sometimes, it's best to leave them alone, altogether. That's what I do and I don't consider that to be passive. I'm just not interested in hearing them spew their nastiness. Which ever way works for you, I wish you the best in making it work.
But sometimes (even often, in some cases) labels like PA are a convenient way to blame problems on the other person. That way, you never have to take responsibility for your own behavior.
No. They're trying to eliminate someone who's emotionally difficult -- either bossy or argumentative or domineering or unpleasant in some other way. That's nowhere near being PA. And categorizing them as PA is a way of ignoring the facts.
It's deflection.
And making the decision to not further engage someone who is perceived to be controlling may be more a case of setting very healthy personal boundaries.
If someone has decided upon themselves to set the rules of all communication with me, and I find those tactics or mode of communication to be intrusive, harsh, controlling, or otherwise upsetting, my decision to disengage from communication is not passive aggressive. It's refusing to feed into the other's entitlement to have their way at all costs (and to my detriment), or to victimize or demean me.
Short Version: It may be the only way to maintain one's sanity.
We all make choices as to whom we will voluntarily engage in conversation. We then have the choice, if we find the conversation to be unworthy of our time, or causes us undue stress, to break off that conversation. An explanation as to our reason is neither expected nor necessary.
I went to a therapist years ago after I had a breakdown over stuff that was going on in my life and he told me that I was developing into a passive-aggressive person. Why? One of my big issues was the church I was going to at the time - they did not handle their issues very well. So after years and years of going there, and being a good Christian and confronting issues that the church had head on and getting nowhere, I started to exhibit more and more of a passive-aggressive personality. At its core, passive-aggressiveness is inappropriately dealing with conflict, and the tendency usually develops because at some point the person exhibiting the traits felt powerless and developed that tendency as a means to deal with conflict. Passive-Aggressive people usually do deal with conflict - they just do so inappropriately. Usually what happens is the person lets things slide - at least that is how the other party perceives it - and then after a while they blow up and get very angry. For instance, my parents watched me develop from someone who communicated well to one who communicated very little. I would get annoyed at many little things they would do, and then one day - say it snowed and my driving home that night was bad and I came home to whatever it was that was annoying me (and it would usually be a small thing) and I would blow up and that would be it. The blow up would be over many small things that occurred over many months but a new little thing would set me off.
A true passive-aggressive person develops those personality traits because on some level they fear conflict because in the past they did confront issues and they got nowhere. My last landlord was that way - but she was raised that way, and sees no problem in how she acts. She let what I did over a year eventually turn her hostile towards me. She couldn't even remember all that I did wrong. Just one day she had had enough and there was a huge blow out over it.
Most people exhibit some tendencies towards being passive-aggressive at times, typically because they feel they cannot confront the person for whatever reason (say its a parent, or a whole church thing, or your boss at work) or they might not feel comfortable telling the other person what they are doing (eg, fearing the other party is passive-aggressive and will blow up at them).
And yes, ignoring someone's email is passive-aggressive - a more assertive person would state that the email bothered them or would state that they do not have time to read the email, rather than hope the person gets the hint. Another part of passive-aggressiveness is hoping the other party "gets the hint." People are not mind readers, and seldom do they get hints.
For anyone who wishes to discuss passive-aggressive personality disorder in general terms, either the Psychology or the Mental Health forums would be the place for a conversation.
For anyone seeking simply to blow off steam without anyone disagreeing or commenting back, you may want to consider setting up a blog where you can vent all you like.
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