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I"m not going through this right now, but I was wondering if anyone who's in a relationship currently, yet has a close friend of the opposite gender?
For example, Tabitha and I are close friends(we've known each other since we started college in 2009). She has been in a relationship with another man for the past year (they started dating last summer), however, her boyfriend freaking hates me. In general,I'm happy for her, he's a nice guy but he tends to get jealous (they argued when he found out she and I were hanging out after classes one day).
I really wanted to ask others with they had dealt with a similar situation(regardless of the position). I just wanted to get other people's thoughts on the matter, do you think it's possible for boyfriend/girlfriend to get along with a best friend?
Share thoughts, it doesn't have to be about my current situation, but I wanted to hear others experiences as well.
Well, I'm not in a relationship currently, but I would not get along with any partner who can't get along with the friends I have (best friend or otherwise), just as with getting along with family members I'd have.
To me, a romantic partner has to be compatible with the company I keep and be expected to be understanding/tolerant of that.
Where you have to be in a situation pitting a partner against another person you care about, such as a best friend or a family member, would be turn-off and is off-putting for me.
I'm of the personality where romantic partner is not the only type of relationship that exists in life and should co-exist healthily with other types of non-romantic relationships such as friendships.
But who knows, maybe it's just me and I'm not typical and perhaps for some people, they don't see it that way. Maybe some people associate "best friends" with some things kids have on the school playground and think that "being mature" involves ditching that type of relationship with the new kind that comes from a boyfriend or girlfriend, because one will conflict with the other. I don't think that way, but maybe for those that do, perhaps that's why it bothers them.
I do kind of think its somewhat sad that friendships can be given short shrift and seen as something temporary (eg. friendship bracelets are for kids, friends are for college students that haven't settled down) and romantic partnerships eventually dislodge them; I believe in the value of maintaining friends throughout life, even with marriage and family, and friendships aren't replaced by, but exist alongside other types of relationship, though that's just an opinion and I know many disagree with me.
He may be overreacting to his hate and jealously of you. That said, I believe it is natural and understandable.
Their relationship sounds well established, at least going on in length and remaining together. Generally, as the relationship matures, the couple grows closer together in all aspects of their lives. Not just romantically.
IMO, in an ideal relationship, they are forming intimate bonds in all aspects of life and should be becoming best friends of each other.
Having a best friend of the opposite sex, outside of this bond in a relationship, is difficult to have and maintain. Your closest bond really should be to your partner (not at first, but as the relationship grows), and should not be to someone of the opposite sex outside of that relationship.
Otherwise, temptations can intercede, enticing one to cheat. (Not saying that is happening in your relationship). Just the prospect of it can be damaging to a relationship, as one partner starts to lose trust or confidence in the other's commitment to the relationship.
I do not mean to show a lack of compassion or understanding either. I just think, in reality, it can be difficult enough to maintain a close bond to your partner on it's own, without the potential of an opposite sex best friend... even if there is no temptation beyond being friends.
He may be overreacting to his hate and jealously of you. That said, I believe it is natural and understandable.
Their relationship sounds well established, at least going on in length and remaining together. Generally, as the relationship matures, the couple grows closer together in all aspects of their lives. Not just romantically.
IMO, in an ideal relationship, they are forming intimate bonds in all aspects of life and should be becoming best friends of each other.
Having a best friend of the opposite sex, outside of this bond in a relationship, is difficult to have and maintain. Your closest bond really should be to your partner (not at first, but as the relationship grows), and should not be to someone of the opposite sex outside of that relationship.
Otherwise, temptations can intercede, enticing one to cheat. (Not saying that is happening in your relationship). Just the prospect of it can be damaging to a relationship, as one partner starts to lose trust or confidence in the other's commitment to the relationship.
I do not mean to show a lack of compassion or understanding either. I just think, in reality, it can be difficult enough to maintain a close bond to your partner on it's own, without the potential of an opposite sex best friend... even if there is no temptation beyond being friends.
Ah,I definitely agree with your view points. Although I'm not currently in a relationship at this point.
Guys find a difficult time being just friends with many and many of these hanger's on best friend guys, just didn't have the guts to share their true feelings for the female they remain "just friends" with.
I have always been a-little concerned about dating a girl who has tons of male friends fawning over her.
That's one thing I don't like about some of the friends vs. partners portrayals in our society -- especially that you can't be friends with the opposite sex without being bitter and just secretly longing or lusting for them in a sexual way. That friendships are the "poor man or poor woman's version of a relationship" or a "consolation prize".
There's an unspoken assumption that seems to exist in some circles regarding friends, which seem to be treated or defined by just relationships minus the romance or sex part, rather than true, mature relationships in and among themselves that co-exist and happen in parallel with the other relationship.
Again, maybe it's me and I'm feeling almost like there is a personality type that seems quite alien to some -- where friendships and romantic relationships cannot even exist alongside one another at all.
I have had no problems having both and not one bleeding into the other, I have no trouble separating the romantic realm, the sexual realm and the platonic friend realm and no problem having them occupy different spheres of life.
I find it fine if that's how most people's psychologies/mindset work -- I have no problem with it, but its annoying when people assume that's how everyone thinks.
Last edited by Stumbler.; 02-27-2012 at 02:33 PM..
I have a lot of experience in this from many different angles. My wife has a slew of male friends. As a matter of fact I started out as one of them. We've been married 12 years and I still have some issues with her having so many male friends. In one case in particular she had gotten back in touch with a friend from high school and they were texting each other several times a day. I questioned this and she said they were just friends and hadn't talked in several years and were doing a lot of catching up. We lived in PHX at the time and he lived in Vegas. I remember her telling me that she wanted me to meet him because any doubts I had would be eliminated once I saw him. She stated he was quite overweight and she never was physically attracted to him even back in high school. During this time she went with some girls up to Vegas for her birthday and got a tattoo (this was her present) from this guys tattoo artist. I knew she saw him up in Vegas, but thought nothing of it. We actually did go to Vegas together a few months later and I did meet him. About 5 months after that she meant to text him and texted me instead. In the text she talked about seeing him the next day and that she loved him. Her Dad and her were going to the NASCAR race and this guy was driving up from Vegas to meet them. I was staying home with the kids (and I despise NASCAR). I confronted her and him. They both claimed that nothing was going on and he claimed that the "I love you" caught him a little off guard, but that he figured she meant as a friend. They both claimed that my wife often told her male friends "I love you" back in high school. My wife did admit that they had become closer than she intended, and she was starting to have feelings for him. The more we broke it down she stated that she never was physically attracted to him, but that he was there for her in talking to her about things in a way that I wasn't. While she did not have a physical affair, it could be classified as an emotional affair.
I've also been on the other end where I had maintained a close friendship with an ex girlfriend. We were more close in how and what we talked about than frequency of seeing each other. We really seldom saw each other (maybe once of twice a year), and only talked on the phone a few times more than that. But often the phone conversations were very sexual, mostly her describing her encounters with both her boyfriend and several different women. When my wife and I were just friends I would tell her of the nature of these phone calls. Then when my wife and I became a couple she was understandably uncomfortable with me talking to my ex and maintaining a friendship with her. After my wife and I started dating and then got married the phone calls with my ex became even more infrequent, and decidedly less sexual. But she would mention things every once in a while about a unique place her and her boyfriend had done the dirty. I was very open with my wife about what was talked about, and she became very angry any time the content was at all sexual. I didn't really understand as she was telling about sex with her boyfriend. How was that supposed to turn me on? But it really bothered my wife. I finally told my friend that I needed to stop talking to her. I concluded that talking to her a few times a year was not worth the damage it could do to my marriage. I thought my wife was being hypocritical, but she claimed that the fact that I slept with this girl previously was the difference.
My opinion on all of this is that you do your relationship a disservice if you have a "best friend" of the opposite sex that you hang out with on a consistent basis. Your partner needs to be everything to you and feel like he/she is the most important person in your life. It's almost impossible to have that when there is someone else of the opposite sex that takes up major portions of their time and that they confide in. Especially if they confide in him/her about any issues you might be having in the relationship.
You're really not helping your case too much in the "are you gay" question..
In my opinion girls can have guy friends, that's completely normal , i have a ton of friends who are girls. When it turns into the "bff" type.. that's where things get strange. I have never seen a friendship like that where there's not one or the other secretly hiding something or desperately hoping the other one will break up or doing what they can to break them up.
I've only had 2 long term relationships, and well both of them had a couple of those weird guy friends. I remember saying there is something weird about this guy, next thing I know he's proclaiming is love towards her. The other girlfriend of mine had a guy friend like that and always made subtle comments to me about him and her.. he was a weirdo too. I can however thank him because it was him who put me over the edge to finally grow some balls and dump her though :P
Guys and girls really shouldn't be best friends, it is just annoying. There's no such thing as a true "friendship" like that unless you're both in committed relationships and everyone is friends.
I"m not going through this right now, but I was wondering if anyone who's in a relationship currently, yet has a close friend of the opposite gender?
For example, Tabitha and I are close friends(we've known each other since we started college in 2009). She has been in a relationship with another man for the past year (they started dating last summer), however, her boyfriend freaking hates me. In general,I'm happy for her, he's a nice guy but he tends to get jealous (they argued when he found out she and I were hanging out after classes one day).
I really wanted to ask others with they had dealt with a similar situation(regardless of the position). I just wanted to get other people's thoughts on the matter, do you think it's possible for boyfriend/girlfriend to get along with a best friend?
Share thoughts, it doesn't have to be about my current situation, but I wanted to hear others experiences as well.
I think he had every right to be mad his girlfriend was hanging out with you. Its kinda trashy behavior. That may of flew in highschool but when you are an adult....no. I stated right off the bat that the s.o. isn't allowed to hang out with ex's or girls at all unless its a group thing and I am there to avoid that fight.
He was fine with that and expected the same.
SO maybe this just isn't the guy for her. But she has to decide that. Don't even suggest it. I would only speak up if he becomes abusive. This is sort of borderline on the control factor and wasn't handled maturely...keep an eye out for your girl. But back off a bit too.
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