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I used to be like this, then I get sick of it. When my friends get like this, I give them a sympathetic ear, once. After that, if I see that they aren't at least trying to fix their problem, I don't really give them much sympathy.
Sometimes even when a person appears to be doing something about their constant complaint they are assuring they will continue to have the complaint. Example: My husband was miserable in his last job which he eventually lost. He complained about the boss, the customers, his co-workers, corporate, the mailman, you name it. He's had another job for 2 years and hates his new boss, his life sucks and this has been the constant complaint. He has been talking with some competitors about working for them. He had his second interview today. What do you know, it turns out the regional manager who interviewed him is an *******, who would have guessed? I can see him setting up the situation for constant complaining to continue even if he gets hired and no longer has to deal with his current boss. I'm done. Thanks for letting me complain about the complainer in my life!
People often fall into a subconscious pattern. They don't realize they're setting themselves up for the same situation over and over, but subconsciously, they have undirected anger or sadness, and their ego is trying to find a "reason" for those feelings. So they land themselves in the same negative situations again and again so that their ego can find a "reason" to be sad or angry. We all do it to some extent or another, but it's just more obvious in some people.
Sometimes it's also because they genuinely do not see that they have control over the situation. Some people live in a victim mentality (I don't mean that as an insult) because that's all they know. It doesn't even occur to them they can do something about it, and exert some control over their life. Often it takes them realizing it themselves because if they truly believe they have no control, other people telling them won't help.
I know this because I used to be one of those people. But I kept spiraling further and further into depression and anxiety until I finally realized I actually have the ability to change my thoughts which in turn changes my emotions and how things play out in life.
If you think positive, you feel positive emotions, it shows on your face and in your interactions, people pick up on it, respond positively, and your life turns around. For someone who is stuck in the cycle of negative thoughts, they haven't come to this realization yet. It can be painful to watch but it's one of those things people often have to come to on their own.
If the people who raised you treated you like **** then you grow up to feel like **** and **** is what you get in life. That's hard to change.
LOL isent that pretty much all of CDR, I know a lot of people in real life like this as well. Some people are born with a much larger wall to climb and have to do politically incorrect things to get where they want to be. A lot of people simply are not willing to do what ever it takes to get where they want to be even if it means risking their own lives, after all if you are unhappy and the only way to get happy is to risk your life its worth it.
Some people are the foot ball stars in HS and get invited to rainbow parties and others have to go to dangerous second world countries to find women.
I think a lot of people who have this mentality suffer from very low self-esteem. They think they have to be perfect in order to achieve their goals. They know that they're not, so they don't even try. Why bother applying for that job you want if you're not going to get it anyway? Does that sound familiar?
I find myself getting this way about men. I feel that I have to be the perfect partner before someone I like will love me. I also am attracted to men who feel that a girl has to be absolutely perfect for the relationship to work. They see my flaws, I see my flaws, and we mutually agree that I'm not good enough to be with them, so I fail. This happens again and again until I finally resign and give up on dating and love altogether.
The harsh truth is that a lot of men and jobs are very picky, and people can be very shallow. Sometimes a man is looking for a woman of a certain height, and will not take anything else. Some jobs want very specific qualifications that you might not have even been able to afford to acquire, and they won't even look at your resume if you don't have them. When you build up the courage to finally go after what you want, there is a good chance you'll fail, and that can be very discouraging for someone with self-esteem that is already fragile. These all fall under the umbrella of "things you cannot control."
Fear of not being good enough to change your life is definitely a driver here, and it's partiallly reinforced by circumstances that are out of your control. You're rejected for being too tall, which reinforces your belief that you're inadequate and that men won't ever love you, for example. The more it happens, the more you are discouraged from trying and you eventually lose hope, so you stop trying - unless your inner voice tells you that those men are complete idiots and that you'll find one who isn't an idiot that you like who will love you just as you are - flaws and all. If you're missing that inner voice, you're going to struggle - especially if you were born with disadvantages in life and have a lot of obstacles to overcome.
It is usually from people whose parents were impossible to please, and who made them feel unworthy of love, praise, and good things - only worthy of harsh criticism. They may have even neglected their children altogether (I know. I'm from one of these families!)
Last edited by RiverPark; 10-08-2014 at 08:17 PM..
My wife is like this! She complains about where she works and how much she hates the place that she works. Common sense says apply to another job right? Of course any logical person would know that if you don't like the situation you are in change it. She constantly complains about her job and I'm just sick of hearing it. When I tell her to apply to other places she tells me she has but it'll really only be 1 or 2 places. Then she uses the excuse that she isn't going to get hired anywhere else. She goes on one interview and thinks "THIS IS IT" then when she doesn't get hired she gets discouraged and thinks no one will ever hire her. The **** pisses me off. Sick of hearing it. Just wish she would **** and change her situation already.
Why do some people complain about things, but then do nothing about it? I have one friend who, every year around the holidays, complains about not having anywhere to go or no one to spend it with. She vows that next year will be different. But then next year rolls around and it's the same thing. If I ask her why she doesn't do anything about it, she interprets it as an attack.
There are some things in life that you have no control over. Traffic, the weather, the job market, etc. So complaining about those things seems rather pointless. But if it's something you have some control over, like your personal life or finding a job, how can you complain about it while sitting back and doing nothing to change it? I guess I'm trying to understand the psychology behind this sort of behavior. Is it fear? Are these people afraid of trying to change their lives and not succeeding? Is it inertia? Do they genuinely want to change their lives, but can't find the energy to start? Is it just a way to deflect blame and not have to take responsibility for their own lives? And if you're on the outside, how do you help such a person, assuming you even can?
Because some people suck !
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