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Along with what others have said, because so many people never leave the state, this means most have some, if not ALL, of their family living nearby. So in a way, family connections take the place of many friendship roles. Beyond the immediate family, many people often hang out with their cousins in a friendship role.
And with so much family around, this means birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions, showers, etc to attend. It consumes a lot of time that people in other states would use to socialize with friends.
So because of family, of friendships carried over from school and college years, and because of the reserved scandanavian nature, it's easy to see why newcomers have a hard time breaking into social circles.
That said, I think it can be easier is you live or work in more urban areas with more events that people in similar situations are going to attend. Running clubs, adult casual sports teams, etc. Volunteering at some of the arts-based events, etc.
Along with what others have said, because so many people never leave the state, this means most have some, if not ALL, of their family living nearby. So in a way, family connections take the place of many friendship roles. Beyond the immediate family, many people often hang out with their cousins in a friendship role.
And with so much family around, this means birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions, showers, etc to attend. It consumes a lot of time that people in other states would use to socialize with friends.
So because of family, of friendships carried over from school and college years, and because of the reserved scandanavian nature, it's easy to see why newcomers have a hard time breaking into social circles.
That said, I think it can be easier is you live or work in more urban areas with more events that people in similar situations are going to attend. Running clubs, adult casual sports teams, etc. Volunteering at some of the arts-based events, etc.
Yeah, good points.
For example: my dad has 10 siblings. All 11 of the kids live within a 20 mile radius. Each is married, that's 22 relatives. Add in children (2 kids average), that's 44 family members in a 20 mile radius. Now the children in the area are starting to get significant others and married, and so now it's 66 people within a 20 mile radius that you can call family.
With work, projects, kids sporting events, school events, and keeping a house up, and 66 relatives in a small area, it's very hard to squeeze in new people. Its not that people here are mean, it's just unfeasible.
Again, there are just only so many hours in the day and between work, kids, house stuff and current friendships, there just isn't that much time left to put toward newcomers. It isn't being unfriendly and it isn't ANY different then any other place in the country. Heck, we hardly have time to get together with our current friends-either their schedule or our schedules don't mesh. Our best friends live 6 blocks away and today was the first time we have seen them since Thanksgiving. We aren't being unfriendly, just schedules that haven't worked out.
Again, there are just only so many hours in the day and between work, kids, house stuff and current friendships, there just isn't that much time left to put toward newcomers. It isn't being unfriendly and it isn't ANY different then any other place in the country. Heck, we hardly have time to get together with our current friends-either their schedule or our schedules don't mesh. Our best friends live 6 blocks away and today was the first time we have seen them since Thanksgiving. We aren't being unfriendly, just schedules that haven't worked out.
This is where I disagree. This is VERY different than other places in the country. This is the 2nd most difficult place I have ever lived in terms of meeting people. Heck, my dh and I were in DC at a pub last year and people invited us to their house for a BBQ. We have yet to be invited to a Minnesotan's for a BBQ, despite invitations to our home. They have not been recriprocated.
My experience living elsewhere has been very different and much easier to meet people and be included / accepted. Sometimes, I think the family/weather is just an excuse.
If I were to go back to my hometown, I know for a fact, I would have a very easy time getting back into my old social circle.
Not everyone is so connected to their family they don't have time for friends. I have a hard time believing people are so wrapped up in their extended family they have absolutely no time to have any friends. That does not make any sense to me.
Someone upthread mentioned Rosemount is a smallish place and may be different from the rest of the State and more small townish. We get out. We go to the cities, we go to other places.
Honestly, I see so many people making justifications and excuses. Some are legit, others are... well excuses.
This is where I disagree. This is VERY different than other places in the country. This is the 2nd most difficult place I have ever lived in terms of meeting people. Heck, my dh and I were in DC at a pub last year and people invited us to their house for a BBQ. We have yet to be invited to a Minnesotan's for a BBQ, despite invitations to our home. They have not been recriprocated.
My experience living elsewhere has been very different and much easier to meet people and be included / accepted. Sometimes, I think the family/weather is just an excuse.
If I were to go back to my hometown, I know for a fact, I would have a very easy time getting back into my old social circle.
Not everyone is so connected to their family they don't have time for friends. I have a hard time believing people are so wrapped up in their extended family they have absolutely no time to have any friends. That does not make any sense to me.
Someone upthread mentioned Rosemount is a smallish place and may be different from the rest of the State and more small townish. We get out. We go to the cities, we go to other places.
Honestly, I see so many people making justifications and excuses. Some are legit, others are... well excuses.
Where were those DC'ers from too? I would bet they were not locals or hadn't been in town very long either. It isn't just extended family that people spend time with, it is just life. Again, we had zero issues making friends in Rosemount when we moved her 5 years ago. We have been invited to plenty of BBQ's, over to people's houses, wine tastings, etc. This week, we have no free evenings due to kid stuff all week. We are possibly going out of town for the weekend (weather depending), next week we have company all week. If we want to get together with friends, our next free night is Jan 26th. It isn't that we don't want to do things with other people, we simply just don't have that much time.
As for going back to your hometown, of course you would be invited back into your old social circle-you have a history of them, but I guarantee you, it wouldn't be the same. In all the places you have lived, how many of your friends there (not counting where you grew up) were locals or had lived there for over 10 years?
I've noticed that a few voices predominate on the MN boards, so that might also skew the debate here. More people might chime in if there wasn't a tendancy to dismiss or even insult other posters' points of view.
I don't expect to be here too much longer, so I'll make do until then with my transplant friends.
See, I thought it was just me, but I'm glad that you see it, too. It's not surprising, though.
I just met someone else last week who is also not originally from here, and she also complains of the same issues with making friends.
This is where I disagree. This is VERY different than other places in the country. This is the 2nd most difficult place I have ever lived in terms of meeting people. Heck, my dh and I were in DC at a pub last year and people invited us to their house for a BBQ. We have yet to be invited to a Minnesotan's for a BBQ, despite invitations to our home. They have not been recriprocated.
My experience living elsewhere has been very different and much easier to meet people and be included / accepted. Sometimes, I think the family/weather is just an excuse.
If I were to go back to my hometown, I know for a fact, I would have a very easy time getting back into my old social circle.
Not everyone is so connected to their family they don't have time for friends. I have a hard time believing people are so wrapped up in their extended family they have absolutely no time to have any friends. That does not make any sense to me.
Someone upthread mentioned Rosemount is a smallish place and may be different from the rest of the State and more small townish. We get out. We go to the cities, we go to other places.
Honestly, I see so many people making justifications and excuses. Some are legit, others are... well excuses.
I had no problems making friends in DC, but never had random people in bars inviting me over for meals. I don't think that's the norm there, either. People are busy with life EVERYWHERE. DC does benefit from having a high percentage of recent transplants, though, although those same transplants are also often there for work and work and social time often blend together. Still, I think it's just a very different place because so many people there are moving through. It's a very, very different city than Minneapolis, with a LOT of people moving in and moving out at all times; it's the sort of city that brings transitional to an extreme. I know there are plenty of native Washingtonians around, but I met very few of them. The ones I did meet were very nice, but like the other places we've lived, the majority of people we met were all fellow transplants.
I don't who made the Rosemount comment (and it does sound like you and Golfgal have had different experiences), but if it was me, I think there's also something to be said for the big difference between living somewhere and visiting there; I'm not sure the context of the comment, but while you may go to the cities and get out, that's not the same thing as living in a neighborhood and meeting people on your evening walk or as you run your errands or attend a neighborhood potluck or block party.
I fully realize some of the problems at play here, but just as you see some people making excuses, I think the same thing can be said the other way. No one really seems to be addressing the issue that even if you take at face value the idea that it will be impossible to make friends with any "native" Minnesotans, that still leaves many, many fellow transplants to befriend. There's a LOT of people here from other places. There seems to be a general hangup on these threads on the origin of one's friends, and I just don't understand it. A friend is a friend -- why does it matter where they were born? And while the Twin Cities aren't nearly as transient as somewhere like DC, there's still plenty of people out there, many of from other places. Maybe not AS many, but still a LOT. The exact percentage seems to vary by location, though. I still think it's possible that it's easier in some parts of the metro area than in others. I think there are a lot of variables here. But given the increasing percentage of people in the Twin Cities who are not from the Twin Cities, or even from Minnesota, it seems tough to make this into purely a "native" versus "transplant" issue. But again, I assume that some of this varies greatly by specific location, demographics, even interests. But for what it's worth, the Twin Cities today is a lot different than the Twin Cities even ten years ago. It's no DC, but it's still a fairly big city, has a lot of big companies, and has a lot of people moving here from all over.
Last edited by uptown_urbanist; 01-11-2011 at 09:11 AM..
Where were those DC'ers from too? I would bet they were not locals or hadn't been in town very long either. It isn't just extended family that people spend time with, it is just life. Again, we had zero issues making friends in Rosemount when we moved her 5 years ago. We have been invited to plenty of BBQ's, over to people's houses, wine tastings, etc. This week, we have no free evenings due to kid stuff all week. We are possibly going out of town for the weekend (weather depending), next week we have company all week. If we want to get together with friends, our next free night is Jan 26th. It isn't that we don't want to do things with other people, we simply just don't have that much time.
As for going back to your hometown, of course you would be invited back into your old social circle-you have a history of them, but I guarantee you, it wouldn't be the same. In all the places you have lived, how many of your friends there (not counting where you grew up) were locals or had lived there for over 10 years?
Actually, those DC'rs were DC'rs - or suburban DC'rs... it was actually in MD. Long established living there. Don't know where they are from originally, though. We got to talking in the neighbourhood pub, we were in town for a week for family stuff and needed our own time. Started chatting at the bar, they found my dh's job very interesting. I think he works for the Feds too, so they had something in common. It appears they were long standing regulars at the pub and knew most of the people.
We have had great difficulty in Rosemount, most likely because we don't have kids and don't fit in with the culture/demographics here. We have become very friendly with one neighbour with our dogs as the link.
The other neighbours, well, I have written about them before. As soon as we fenced in our yard and took away their short cut through which they took great liberties without asking, they wanted little to nothing to do with us, except to knock on our door several times per year selling their magazines, cookies, candies whatever... for their school/sports fundraisers. We have stopped buying from them because of the lack of reciprocity and the treatment we received after we fenced our yard.
When I go home and see my long standing circle of friends, it is the same. Sure, people have moved on with their lives, but we pick right up where we left off and i know I will be included in all the many social interactions. Maybe our group is rare that very few in it have moved away except for me, so they have remained close.
However, I have talked to many people from here who moved away, came back and found it almost impossible to get back into their old circle. I guess that is the only correction I can make is that I have met some Minnesotans, born and raised here, who left and returned and only have their family but their friends seem to have moved on and are almost ticked they had the audacity to move away. It is a common thread I hear all the time.
I can say with all honesty, that the closest friends I made in Tucson were born and raised there. It is also a place with high amount of transplants/snowbirds/retirees and the percentage of friends I had were more Tucsonians.
I think with the weather here, that is a legitimate explanation since it's difficult to see everyone except when shoveling the driveway or pulling into or out of the garage to give a quick wave.
So, I think there are three categories:
1. Native Minnesotans who have never left
2. Native Minnesotans who left and came back and can't get back into their friend's social circle
3. Transplants
I always find this topic interesting. We have found a great circle of friends. But as I've said many times, none are from here and if they are, they grew up here, left, came back and had difficulty re-establishing their circle. So I don't have this 'attitude' because I'm sitting here wallowing with no friends. It is just my experience here.
See, I thought it was just me, but I'm glad that you see it, too. It's not surprising, though.
I just met someone else last week who is also not originally from here, and she also complains of the same issues with making friends.
*sigh* Yes, I must agree. That is why I mentioned 'excuses' up-thread and received more excuses and justifications that my situation cannot possibly be true.
I had no problems making friends in DC, but never had random people in bars inviting me over for meals. I don't think that's the norm there, either. People are busy with life EVERYWHERE. DC does benefit from having a high percentage of recent transplants, though, although those same transplants are also often there for work and work and social time often blend together. Still, I think it's just a very different place because so many people there are moving through. It's a very, very different city than Minneapolis, with a LOT of people moving in and moving out at all times; it's the sort of city that brings transitional to an extreme. I know there are plenty of native Washingtonians around, but I met very few of them. The ones I did meet were very nice, but like the other places we've lived, the majority of people we met were all fellow transplants.
I don't who made the Rosemount comment (and it does sound like you and Golfgal have had different experiences), but if it was me, I think there's also something to be said for the big difference between living somewhere and visiting there; I'm not sure the context of the comment, but while you may go to the cities and get out, that's not the same thing as living in a neighborhood and meeting people on your evening walk or as you run your errands or attend a neighborhood potluck or block party.
I fully realize some of the problems at play here, but just as you see some people making excuses, I think the same thing can be said the other way. No one really seems to be addressing the issue that even if you take at face value the idea that it will be impossible to make friends with any "native" Minnesotans, that still leaves many, many fellow transplants to befriend. There's a LOT of people here from other places. There seems to be a general hangup on these threads on the origin of one's friends, and I just don't understand it. A friend is a friend -- why does it matter where they were born? And while the Twin Cities aren't nearly as transient as somewhere like DC, there's still plenty of people out there, many of from other places. Maybe not AS many, but still a LOT. The exact percentage seems to vary by location, though. I still think it's possible that it's easier in some parts of the metro area than in others. I think there are a lot of variables here. But given the increasing percentage of people in the Twin Cities who are not from the Twin Cities, or even from Minnesota, it seems tough to make this into purely a "native" versus "transplant" issue. But again, I assume that some of this varies greatly by specific location, demographics, even interests. But for what it's worth, the Twin Cities today is a lot different than the Twin Cities even ten years ago. It's no DC, but it's still a fairly big city, has a lot of big companies, and has a lot of people moving here from all over.
Well, it was actually a suburb of DC in Maryland, but close enough. Still a large percentage of people who work for the govt, but still I'm sure a large percentage of people from there or lived there a long time.
I think the debate of friend 'origin' comes up because transplants find out real fast when they move here that it is almost impossible to become friends with a person from here. The 'snub' if we can call it that is very blatant glazed over with an icy Minnesota Nice. It's hard to explain.
When they find that the natural place to find friends - work, school, wherever - isn't working, then they must go to different avenues. Moving to a new city, it's difficult to know where to go.. I'm surprised by the number of people who don't know about Meetup. Many have never heard of it.
As for Rosemount. It is a very nice place to live. We walk the dog, go to the grocery store, the restaurants etc. The activities in the community are very family focused and we just don't fit in that demographic. We have to look elsewhere, outside the community to find activities that appeal to adults only. But the demographics of Rosemount is very family oriented. Nothing wrong with that. We just don't fit into that, so we have to go elsewhere for activities that are more suited to us as well as to meet people.
At our meetups, coincidentally, we have met a few couples from Rosemount - mostly empty nesters. I think the common thread there is they were so involved with their kids and intertwined that way, that they didn't have many friends as a 'couple' after the kids left, if that makes sense.
Neighbourhood Potluck? Block Party? I wish!! lol If there are any, we've never been invited. I do know that two neighbours on our street have been feuding for years, so that may be it.
And in all fairness, our neighbour on one side has made great strides and invited us over. I think I broke the ice when I asked her to look after our house when we were away last winter. I brought her Vancouver Olympic Mitts (you know those mitts with the maple leaf on them?) and since then, we've been more friendly. So, I do acknowledge a slow progression with her.
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