Tryin' To Reason With Hurricane Season... (Galveston, Howe: insurance, house, buy)

[Mom2Feebs]

This is great! I got it in an email from my Uncle:



To: ex-Galvestonians, present Galvestonians, and future Galvestonians (or those who know a Galvestonian):

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season, which starts June 1 and ends November 30. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the island. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by 'the big one.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Galveston.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Idaho.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Galveston County, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Rita, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds!

You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Idaho.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says you live anywhere in Galveston County, you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Galveston tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the Wal-Mart on Seawall and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM and/or a hot pink pool raft made for a 3-year old.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A gallon of Cutter spray that will probably be worthless. Mosquitos get desperate,too, and believe me, they can survive a measly ol' hurricane. Amazing.

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching stupid TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the surf at the Gulf of Mexico warning everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet, you should come. Really!

[Wysiwyg]

thats a good one

[Reivax]

That was funny, thank you!

My wife insisted we buy Spam at Sam's club on Monday night, and there was only a single layer of the pallet left when I finally found it. I literally reached for a package just as an older lady did, and I paused, and she snatched that sucker away from me, as quick as can be, no hesitation.

[ShelbyGirl1]

LOL..That's great!

Spam? Try pkg. Tuna!

[ChocolateBabz]

So Funny - We have been here 10 weeks now (from UK) and I had to stop in by H.E.B. on Monday night for some cough mixture for my nine year old. That was all I needed. However I came out with a 24 pack of water, candles, a torch (with spare batteries) and tinned fruit.

[Reivax]

Originally Posted by ShelbyGirl1

LOL..That's great!

Spam? Try pkg. Tuna!

we got albacore too!
Spam is for her, she's filipina, Spam is worshipped in the Philippines

[tstone]

UGH, Spam & crackers & squirt cheese was my Rita food during the traffic nightmare. Never again!!!!!

[ericka709]

Hilarious!!!!!!!!!