Three Years Today

[Marcy1210]

Today is my three year anniversary. Yesterday, I kept thinking what I was doing and how we were spending what would turn out to be his last day. It was a Sunday, October 25th. I was here in AZ, he was in CO. He putzed around the house as it was snowing in CO, and I watched football and was sewing Christmas dresses for the grandgirls. We chatted and emailed off and on during the day. That evening, we spend most of it talking on the phone and emailing at the same time. He sent me his flight itinerary for Friday (Halloween) and I told him what I'd bought for his birthday dinner (Nov 3), the cake I'd ordered, and how excited I was to see him. I told him I'd bought his birthday presents, and I had already wrapped them. We then talked about what we were each having for dinner, lamenting that it was a Broncos BYE week, and kept emailing throughout the evening. About 9:00 p.m. my time (10:00 CO time), he called one last time and we said goodnight, how much we loved and missed each other and how we'd talk first thing in the morning. These are sweet, warm memories.

I woke up the next morning, and saw on my AOL Buddy List that he was signed on, as usual, but as the morning wore on with no word from him, in the pit of my stomach, I knew...

One thing I had to do after he died was keep his AOL account open for a year (and his cell phone) as we closed down his law office and office phone, but couldn't notify all his clients who might call, not knowing he passed away. So during that year, I went through his saved AOL email, and sorted out all our emails which turned out to cover about 3 years, and numbered in the hundreds. After sorting through them, I printed out about 100 of the most meaningul and put them in a "love letters" binder. I printed out ones he sent the kids and made binders for them, too. When I finally closed out his account, I didn't lose anything as I still have all his emails, email pictures and other fun emails he had saved.

I'm not feeling sad or lonely. I'm almost disappointed. I think that means that it's getting better when I'm not paralyzed with grief on this day (although it wasn't easy a couple of weeks ago ).

A glass of champagne, a filet mignon with cheesy crabmeat topping and 1/2 an acorn squash tonight. His favorite meal...and what we had on the last dinner we shared together, our last night together, October 23rd.

[tlkilgore]

Beautiful, sweet memories - so glad you shared those with us. It's good to remember and talk about happy times; they are yours forever. What a wonderful idea to make memory binders for yourself and your kids, that's priceless. Warm thoughts and peace to you today as you remember details and reflect on your life with your husband.

[Avalon08]

Oh Marcy, first of all, it is wonderful to hear that you and your husband loved and appreciated each other right up to the last communication. It's a beautiful thing to see that kind of devotion to each other even after years of marriage. So many of us are so busy and take each other for granted. And your "love letters" idea is a wonderful way of keeping, cherishing and sharing the memories of your husband, in his own words.

I have all my Mom's e-mails going back to 2009 (well, they're on-line) but I am afraid to read any of them. I know seeing "her voice" will just upset me -- it's still too fresh, even after 8 months. Plus, we had a typical mother-daughter relationship, so I'm sure some of the e-mails are testy....I feel so guilty now. Our last communication was actually kind of testy, so....I just have to chalk it up to mother-daughter ups-and-downs. I know overall, we had a wonderful relationship and many happy memories.

Anyway, we will all be thinking of you on this special day. Thanks for sharing your story.

[brokensky]

Thinking about you, Marcy!

I very much appreciated your reminiscence of your last hours together. I thought your idea of printing out his emails and making binders was brilliant! What a nice remembrance for you and your children, as well.

Your dinner sounds lovely and I hope you enjoy savoring how much your hubby doubtless appreciated all the special things you and he shared together.

[Marcy1210]

Thank you all! It was a quiet, but nice day. Dinner was good, and for once, I cooked my steak perfectly. I enjoyed the quiet and solitude. It really was nice not to be crying and depressed. I did get a lump in my throat, and did cry a little, but time is making a difference. It does get easier. Not fun. Not quite normal, but easier. Thank you again for your thoughts, they really warmed my heart.

[tngirl205]

Marcy, thanks for sharing your day with us. It sounds like my husband and I had the same close, wonderful, loving relationship that you and your husband shared.

Your words are encouragement to me, I can only hope that in 3 years I feel as you do. This is a long journey, I'm glad things are a little better for you. You are an inspiration to me!

[Marcy1210]

Thanks, tngirl. I honestly didn't think I'd make it to this point. I didn't think the fog would lift and I'd be able to see clearly again. I truly thought I would fall apart this year, but when I didn't, I realized I've turned a corner. Last year was awful, debilitating, with gut wrenching sobs.

Sam wrote in the Intro where we introduced ourselves that she was in the limo, watching people going on with their lives, stopping to salute or wave, but never thinking again of who passed by. I felt that exact same thing. I remember going through town on the Wednesday of the funeral and seeing a town full of people going about their business and I wanted to scream "Don't you people know my HUSBAND died???? Don't you have any respect?" I was just so lost, so hurt, so alone and I hated that every where I looked were couples. That pain is still so fresh and raw, but it's also tamed a bit. Someone had said the anticipation is worse than the event, and that's true. Friday was just another day. I ran errands, looked over a couple of budgets and started their analysis. I was down a bit, but nothing like last year.

It's almost sad in itself that I have been able to move forward enough to recognize that I don't feel so lost and alone and brokenhearted. I've learned to like living by myself, having the house to myself. I can eat foods I avoided as he didn't like them, or I can stay in my jammies all day if I want and not feel badly when he comes home and I've been "playing in my jammies" all day. I have rearranged some furniture, ditched a set of dishes and bought new ones. I've repainted. Little things, but all toward making this house my own. That in itself is empowering. I'm learning, learning to live, and am living to learn. I'm getting there...

[smilinpretty]

Marcy, I enjoyed reading your memories, his favorite dinner, and you hit a mile stone of turning a corner. I love your words, you are learning, learning to live and you are living to learn, you are getting there. Your words are so inspiring to me.

Lots of hugs sent your way,
Smilin

[Keeper]

What a wonderful tribute to your DH.. I can so relate with how you felt and am glad it is getting better.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[Wynternight]

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, Marcy, and happy to hear that you're doing better. It's a wonderful thing that your last words to each other were I love and miss you.

{{{{hugs}}}}