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In addition to expressing condolences or finding something positive to say, "It's quite sad" is a good response as well. I had an uncle by marriage who was horrible to my aunt and their kids. He abused his kids regularly while they were growing up, particularly the eldest. He'd beat him for little or no reason. When I said it's sad, I meant it was sad that he died still being a miserable person and it was sad that he treated his family the way he did. But I just left it as "it's sad" which people could read whatever they chose into it. It was true, yet respectful of the deceased and the survivors.
We had a co-worker at a department store I worked at who had some sever anger and other issues, not the least of them being his drinking. He was chronically absent and late, had a short fuse, and had several argumentive episodes with customers that he had been written up for. He wanted a management position, but they kept passing him over because of his behavior and poor attendance record.
We had an office answering machine that you called to report that your were going to be late or absent form work. One evening our store manager called several of us who were department managers back to listen to a recording of him, drunk and slurring, calling in and leaving a message that was full of cursing and threatening in nature. Some of the managers just lauged it off, but it scared the daylights out of me.
They didn't outright fire him, but quit scheduling him at all and told him he would have to get some help before he could return to work, and would need to provide documentation that he was seeking it. Not two weeks after he left that threatening message, he was found dead of alchohol poisening. Tragic yes, but I couldn't help it, I breathed a little sigh of relief.
There's a huge difference between saying it in a forum asking for advice on how to deal with it and saying it to people who know the deceased.
Truth of the matter is death doesn't make anyone a saint or a better person. Some people are miserable people. I know a woman who's last words were actually, "where the f*** is my mac & cheese" to a couple who routinely did grocery shopping for her because she had trouble getting around and didn't have a car. They would do her shopping with their own and drop it off to her. I didn't know her well enough to go to the wake/funeral and if I had, I certainly wouldn't have made reference to her last words to her survivors. But the people who did know her and found her to be demanding during her life did talk about it amongst themselves, which is how I heard about it.
If people don't want anyone ever saying anything bad about them after their deaths, maybe they should treat people well while they're still alive.
I was just thinking, really?? to the bolded part then I read your last sentence and I understand more clearly and I am moving on.......................
I think we all think of "speaking ill of the dead" refers to in actuality. In real life. Not here in an annonymous death forum. Here we can speak all the "ill" we want of someone who has passed if that's your cup of tea.
Never liked tea to be honest
We are who we are no matter where we are, "in actuality" or on an anonymous forum!
I don't have much problem saying "good riddance about that biotch or a$$hole" if they were truly detestable people. I don't care about my religious upbringing when it comes to this particular topic. Since we all clap in the movie theater when the villain gets knocked off, why should it be any different in real life? Per the OP's descriptions, we are totally entitled to have no empathy and express no sympathy.
I know of a college friend's parent in declining health, who is a goody-two-shoes Catholic parishioner but the most materialistic and judgmental of wenches, that the LAST thing he should be doing is sending me a death notice or prayer card when she lapses, especially since he knows I don't like her.
I just learned of the death of the husband of a former co-worker. Although, she was very quiet about it I know that he was a jerk, usually unemployed or running around on her or drunk or all three.
Apparently even dying of a fast moving cancer didn't change him. I was told that while he was literally on his death-bed he was still texting other women.
This would be a situation where I would say to my friend "I am so sorry" and let her finish the sentence however she desires.
I believe in being totally honest in this type of situation.. why should it change our feelings towards someone because theyve died... Are people programmed to pretend to care about someone who wasnt a nice person or cruel to them when alive... my own kids suffered financially and mentally though someone, and when I heard of this person dying I shrugged, what am I supposed to do... This person changed the course of my kids whole lives .. There arent many people I dont like or hate.. and someone will pipe up that hate is a terrble word.. why.. its an emotion when weve been hurt by someone for no apparent reason.. False sympathy and emotions are a waste of our time..
If you're hit up for a group flower gift, simply say you prefer not. You don't have to give an explanation.
I was constantly hit up at work for flowers, gifts, etc, etc, for every employee. these were the same people who wouldn't give me the time of day. I was hospitalized for about a month, I didn't get a single card, let alone some big floral gift. When approached about donating for other employees, I simply acted a bit surprised, and said, oh, I didn't think you folks did that anymore. Oh, what gave you that idea? Oh, when I was in the hospital, I didn't receive anything, so, I guess....I thought you had stopped that?
Look, I'm sick of always giving gifts and not getting so much as a thank you in return. If I have money for gifts, it goes to my kids, TH with anyone else!
I hate being forced to do anything like this , its as if its something you dont refuse because of the circumstances and a lot of nonsense.. I remember many years ago in a workplace, myself and workmate were confronted with a manager with a sheet of paper... and announced that it was for our names to say how much we wanted to give to a charity from our wages each week.. the other woman rushed to sign and I said.. "no why should I , Im not being forced to give part of my small part time wages each week to any charity.. I give to my own kids charities " the manager looked shocked at the refusal. then the other women refrained from signing her weekly donation too...When we went over to the offices later we got glowered at from others, as of course there had been talk behind our backs..... then some started to back out too.. no one should be forced into anything , giving to things like this should be from the heart.
I wonder whether people will care when you die, Hmm. I know that when certain people die there's a tangible sense of relief in my heart.
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