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Right...I completely agree...but having a "shrine" of everything still the same prevents the widower/widow from moving forward in life. It is a physical reminder of what is permanently missing...like twisting a knife in an open wound that is beginning to heal..."let's just put some salt in there"...and pour rubbing alcohol on it...
Pain is inevitable...misery is optional.
I just tend to disagree - we keep pictures of the dead on our walls, all framed and matted, and no one thinks that's weird...we keep Grandma's rocking chair or favorite apron...in fact, I DO have a shrine to my grandmother, a little corner with her picture and her books and an old jewelry box and some other keepsakes. It is most definitely a reminder of what is missing, but it most definitely is NOT salt in a wound. It's comforting. It reminds me of a warm and happy time in my life. I can sit in that rocker and reminisce for hours and hours. Okay, so it's not the same as a spouse, but I don't think I would want to ditch all of my spouse's belongings whenever someone else decided it was time. To some, the personal objects may be the knife - to others, the security blanket until the mind has healed enough to accept and go on.
One man's feast is another man's famine. What we're talking here is not actual objects, it's the inability to move on at some point in spite of those objects. And that has nothing to do with the objects themselves, but does put us into a whole new arena of discussion, one that may best be addressed in the psychology forum.
To all the women who say their husband's personal belongings are still in place.............( razor etc )
Do you have male guests over ( in a relationship ) ?
If the answer is no..............apples to oranges
My response is to a woman who feels uneasy that a male friend wants a relationship ,yet still has his wife's toothbrush in the bathroom.
Do your male friends, whom you want to have a relationship with, feel uneasy about your husband's razor in the bathroom?
If that is not your situation ( desiring a relationship with opposite sex ) I was not referring to you.
So.......the woman who still has her deceased husband's personal items laying around and wants another relationship is still inciting her own grief (per your previous post)? That doesn't even make sense. If she's still that grief-stricken and is perpetuating her own grief, I can assure you another man is the very LAST thing on her mind.
So.......the woman who still has her deceased husband's personal items laying around and wants another relationship is still inciting her own grief (per your previous post)? That doesn't even make sense. If she's still that grief-stricken and is perpetuating her own grief, I can assure you another man is the very LAST thing on her mind.
WHY .............would someone WANT a relationship with the opposite sex( spending time in their hoiuse ) when they haven't even gotten to the point of removing the spouse's personal belongings from the bathroom ?
I still say-----------wants their cake and wants to eat it also
I know nothing about cakes, what flavor, if it is homemade or from a box or from the grocery bakery - what I'm saying is that a woman who still has her deceased husband's personal items in plain view is NOT ready for a relationship and the point is most likely moot. As for why a man would leave his wife's stuff laying around for 2 years, I cannot tell you. Why men do half the things they do is still a mystery to me and one not best addressed in the grief forum.
The original post was on a woman who wasn't ready to part with her husband's personal tools 4 months after his death. I'd say there's just a whole lotta difference in a woman who is still shocked and grieving after 16 weeks as opposed to someone who should in theory be moving on after two years.......still, the mind is a powerful thing.
sskkc...I lost the directions on how to change the outgoing message on my answering machine. So the only way I could change the message is to buy a new machine. Maybe that's the same with your dad? Besides that, he probably doesn't call his own number to even know this is an issue. I know I was shocked when someone told me I needed to change my message. It never would have occurred to me, having recorded the thing years ago. I just forgot it was there.
He knows it's there. It's an answering machine, not voicemail, which is why I won't call the house. It was really creepy during her memorial service when someone called and we couldn't find the handset in time. *shudder*
It's also not an operating issue - he bought me the same answering machine 12 years ago (though I no longer have mine) - you push the button that says 'Rec'. And we're talking about a man who never throws away a piece of paper, so he absolutely has that owner's manual, and it's filed properly. My husband and I have already discussed that I'll need a month or two to sort through dad's things when he goes. Then again, his stepkids will probably pull up a truck before my flight gets there when he goes and maybe the house will be empty by the time I arrive (black humor, forgive me).
I'm much less sentimental over *things* and can't imagine keeping so much hanging around. Dad, however, is a packrat. Sometimes, when I visit, I go through boxes he has in the garage and take or donate what I find - been doing that for over 15 years. I leave the boxes sitting there - he has no idea some of them are empty (I have some funny anecdotes about this too! ).
I never touch my stepmom's stuff though, as I feel that's HER children/grandchildren's place after Dad goes.
Sam...there is a big difference between keeping momentos of your Grandmother...and keeping her clothes in the closet...at least, I see a difference. Keeping a momento is a memory...keeping her clothes, shoes, and toothbrush and room exactly the way it was before she died, two and three years later...is a bit much. In my opinion.
And you are right, there is no "time" frame on when people are ready to move forward. Nor should anyone put their values on that issue. But...if a person wants a new relationship...it is time to move those things aside...That is not an unreasonable expectation..
What we're talking here is not actual objects, it's the inability to move on at some point in spite of those objects. And that has nothing to do with the objects themselves
Thought that was what I said.
All that being said, I would have high-tailed it out of that house immediately upon discovering the extra toothbrush didn't belong to the house occupant or other immediate living family member. Again, clearly, it's the inability to move on. But no cake. Nothing to do with cake.
So...I let this issue rest awhile. And brought it up again. I have no expectations...just letting him know that her stuff everywhere is not working for me. He can do what he wants. Now, I will let him have a few more months to process this information. No rush. No ultimatums. Her pictures everywhere are also a bit much for me.
So...I let this issue rest awhile. And brought it up again. I have no expectations...just letting him know that her stuff everywhere is not working for me. He can do what he wants. Now, I will let him have a few more months to process this information. No rush. No ultimatums. Her pictures everywhere are also a bit much for me.
Good for you, Jasper. He will either poop or get off the pot. What will be will be. Good luck to the situation. Keep us posted.
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