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Hi all - very interested in input from strangers on this topic.
My little half-brother is 28 years-old and never left home. He is preparing to move out shortly.
My brother was 18 when our dad passed away... after being sick for 7 years prior to that. After bro graduated high school - he wanted no parts of college. Still my stepmom wanted to help him, since me and my 2 older brothers had received some financial help from my dad. She felt bad that he now didn't have that help. (Though our uncle bought him a new car fee and clear. ) So stepmom allowed him to continue living at home, rent-free, for years so he could save a nest egg for himself. I thought this was very nice.
BUT - my little bro also has an entitled chip on his shoulder with a bad anger problem. Was often so verbally disrespectful to both my parents, which used to anger me and we'd fight. My stepmom is very passive, had hard time dealing with him, and ultimately just let him be that way.
So he and I recently had a huge fight. In a nutshell: He is basically bitter that he has had to help my stepmom with housing costs. His bills were cable and lawn mowers... in addition to chipping in on some general housing repairs over the years whenever she couldn't afford it. That's it. Reminder: he's been living at home for TEN years and didn't work at all for 2 of those years.
He acts like me and my older brothers were "given" money...and he didn't get anything. (Yet he now has $50,000 saved in the bank, due to living in a nearly-rent free environment for a decade.) AND my stepmom has agreed to pay him back cash for the housing repairs he chipped in on, after she sells the house. And it's getting ready to go on market. He knows this.
I just don't agree with this at all. To me - that's a gift and opportunity to be given a free or reduced rate place to stay so you can save. Isn't being given a lump sum of money - essentially the same as being given a free place to stay long-term? I mean, ok, the first option might be more convenient...but still.
Thoughts on this?
Last edited by Dragon_fly; 08-06-2015 at 07:57 PM..
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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If the parents are OK with it, and the "child" is productive and contributes to the home in some manner, I'm OK with it. I left at 19 and would never have gone back, however.
If the parents are OK with it, and the "child" is productive and contributes to the home in some manner, I'm OK with it.
Ditto. There's a difference between an adult living at home, and an adult CHILD living at home. The OP's little brother sounds like the latter: a spoiled brat who needs a good dose of Life in the Real World ASAP. But there are certainly plenty of other young adults who live at home in order to save money for some long-term goal who ARE appreciative of the great gift their parents are extending to them and don't take undue advantage of it. They are just fine.
I think you should tell your stepmom, privately, that you think she's done more than enough for this failure-to-launch kid, and you'd support her decision to kick him out or make him start pulling his fair share. You might add up the estimate of the rent he's saved over 10 years and give her that figure, to show her what's she's already given him. For example even at only $500/month rent, over 10 years, that's $60,000.
Then, as far as the brother goes, tell him he didn't get his money all at once, but his free rent has added up to at least $60,000 over the years, and it's your opinion he's taking advantage of your stepmom, but that's between him and her. But, you're not going to agree with him, nor discuss it anymore.
And if he keep trying to get you to agree with him, just keep saying, "I told you my opinion, and I'm not going to discuss it anymore, or get involved in your relationship with Stepmom. Other than that, what would you like to talk about?"
Because ultimately, this is just between Stepmom and FailureToLaunch.
Ditto. There's a difference between an adult living at home, and an adult CHILD living at home. The OP's little brother sounds like the latter: a spoiled brat who needs a good dose of Life in the Real World ASAP. But there are certainly plenty of other young adults who live at home in order to save money for some long-term goal who ARE appreciative of the great gift their parents are extending to them and don't take undue advantage of it. They are just fine.
Ok thank you, so you see it too. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't being too hard on him. My stepmom has coddled him with this "poor thing" attitude because of my dad, and all that has done is create this entitled pity-me monster. He is in process of finally moving out and going across country, thank god. This fight between he and I started when they both wanted me to take a few days off from work to drive up and help them with housing projects, since he will finally be moving out...and she will now be selling her home to downsize and move to a retirement community.
One night I asked him how things were going and what else he, or she, needed help with....and he said "money". (Which I thought was odd, considering his savings and the fact that he already has a job lined up where he's going. Plus he knows I have debt I'm trying to pay down. But anyway, I said "ok" because family helps each other. But I told him I'd get back to him as I needed to move some things around.
So the next day I left for an afternoon (3 hours exactly) to take a big set of sterling silver flatware and collectors dolls to be appraised. I found them while cleaning things out, and thought I could get some money for them to give my stepmom. When I walked in the door, they were both PISSED...and it started a huge fight. "You're supposed to be here to help us!" I was like, geeez, I was just trying to help! (I had already completed 2 projects at this point.) When my brother found out where I went...he was like "How is that a f*cking priority?!" I'm like...YOU told me you guys needed money!
Anyway it was a dumb upsetting fight. My stepmom apologized afterward and admitted she was just stressed. My brother had stormed out and I didn't see him at all the next day, my birthday. He avoided me. So I emailed him when I got back home and was like..."ok that was wrong, I didn't deserve that and I think you owe me an apology." I was fair but did slide in one snarky comment, "forgive me, I don't currently have years of cushy savings to easily dip into to help you... so I need to be creative like selling things for cash."
Well that started WWIII. He sent me a 1,000 word essay belittling, condescending and patronizing me. Added his financial sob stories and everything he's had to spend to help his mom. (Which made me laugh - still does NOT equal rent in the real world! Not even close!) Then added some low-blows criticizing my debt/spending which had nothing to do with anything. He said "Your debt is your own problem, not mine or mom's. And you need to take responsibility for it." I have no idea why he said that or where it came from - but it sounds like he is bitter at me, expecting me to help them both financially all this time and he's pissed that I haven't. That is insane to me. I am single, have been on my own, supporting myself since I got out of college. And also financially supporting my biological mother who was low income, had PTSD, and battled cancer for years. A big chunk of my debt is from that and he knows it.
I had my cousin read the email and she couldn't believe how disrespectful he was. I know he was very very stressed but it doesn't excuse acting like an jackass. He ended the email with "don't respond because I will just ignore it." And then "let's just take a break for a couple months and we'll see each other when I get back."
That made me laugh - "a break"?! I don't even think I want anything to do with him after this.
I think you should tell your stepmom, privately, that you think she's done more than enough for this failure-to-launch kid, and you'd support her decision to kick him out or make him start pulling his fair share. You might add up the estimate of the rent he's saved over 10 years and give her that figure, to show her what's she's already given him. For example even at only $500/month rent, over 10 years, that's $60,000.
Then, as far as the brother goes, tell him he didn't get his money all at once, but his free rent has added up to at least $60,000 over the years, and it's your opinion he's taking advantage of your stepmom, but that's between him and her. But, you're not going to agree with him, nor discuss it anymore.
And if he keep trying to get you to agree with him, just keep saying, "I told you my opinion, and I'm not going to discuss it anymore, or get involved in your relationship with Stepmom. Other than that, what would you like to talk about?"
Because ultimately, this is just between Stepmom and FailureToLaunch.
Thank you. Yes, she knows how I feel...I've dropped comments here and there over the years. She would mention something in the house that needed fixing, and right away I'd be like "ok, well is he helping you?" She was a little defensive initially but now she's tired of him and wants him out.
Yes very good point about compiling actual rent total. That's what I want to say to him actually because I think he's in la-la-land for thinking he's paid the same as rent. I want to tell him that if he's given her $15,000 every year that he's lived there (equivalent of small studio apartment in that area plus utilities) then I rescind my argument. And if he has NOT - then he needs to total that balance, be damn GRATEFUL for that generous opportunity, and ****!!!
Phew. Sorry for my language and lengthy posts. I've just needed to vent. LOL
Ok thank you, so you see it too. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't being too hard on him.
You're definitely not being too hard on him. He badly needs to grow up, and it won't happen in his case so long as he can stay at home and not learn what it means to completely pay his own way.
Both sides of my family had adult kids living at home indefinitely - but in each case, the situation couldn't have been more different from the one you describe. My uncle (who never married) lived at home on the family farm after his stint in the Navy. He simply saw no reason to get his own place when he could live at home and help his parents as they aged. But he wasn't a mooch - he worked as a picture framer, and in the latter years it was his income which was paying the lion's share of the bills, and of course he did most of the physical chores on the property.
My aunt on the other side of the family was divorced and living in her own home when her neighborhood went into a steep decline and became unsafe. The same decline was happening in her mother's neighborhood as well. So the two of them got together, did some math, and realized that if they each sold their house and pooled their money, they could afford to buy a single larger house in a much nicer neighborhood. And so they did, and my aunt and my grandmother lived together in that house until my grandmother's death. My aunt was working full time as a schoolteacher for all of that time, and of course she was paying most of the bills. So, not a mooch, and the arrangement was sensible and worked out very well. (It's probably the major reason my grandmother was able to stay at home until literally the final day of her life.)
And I see no problem with young people who move back home so they can save money for a house, or go to college or grad school more cheaply. That's only sensible, as long as they are doing their fair share of helping to run the household.
Failure to Launch is a completely different thing, and decidedly Not OK. After all, Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be there forever, so Junior MUST eventually learn how to become a full adult and take care of himself. There's little that's more tragic than the situation these adult-but-not-grown children find themselves in their parents DO finally die and they have to face the world on their own for the first time as a middle-aged or even elderly person with no coping skills.
I am 27, almost 28 and am amazed at the amount of kids i went to high school with who still live at home. I am on Facebook and literally have so many people who have never moved out. Outside of medical conditions, there is no reason in the world a 27/28 year old should still be living at home. Its lazy, pathetic, and nothing but a failure to launch. Most the kids doing this are working dead end jobs, partying like its still high school, and all around have not grown up b/c they have not had to.
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