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I sit here unable to stop crying. My fourteen/fifteen year old beagle is sleeping peacefully after a spray of cordozone on her tail and a small dose of benedryl. She's been crawling next to me on the couch to sleep lately. She had a really bad tooth infection but it seems to be improving with a new batch of anti-biotics in additon the the monthly one.
But I am once again reminded that this is the end. Maybe not this month or the next but sometime. She has multiple medical problems. She has a serious hip problem. She can right it but when she's been laying down sometimes she tries to walk and falls. I give her an asprin a day to help with pain. They did give me something like an NSTED type med but she could not put any weight on the leg at all with that. She has a fatty tumor which has turned hard and red on a glandular area. And the persistant teeth infection which can only be treated with constant anti-biotics. He tail is twisted when the hip is out, and it worries me that the tip is turning grey, and limp. I'm afraid the tip of her tail is dying.
Yet she gets up and barks for her food. She loves sitting and sleeping by mom. She seems to enjoy the new dogs company. She sleeps most of the time as a very old dog does. Sometimes she sits and barks at invisible things, which means her mind is going but that passes.
My son was always her favorite since I adopted her in 2001. He is visiting the beginning of next month. I am going to warn him but he has lost pets where he is living, and I know he will want to say goodbye. I will never board my dear girl again, and would not give someone else the duty of caring for her. She had a hard time during the winter, though she didn't appear in much more stress than now. He leg was better and her tail did not appear so bad so things are going bad quicker.
I know I will have to give her a peaceful end. Other animals of mine did not recieve one, since I was too unable to let go. But I promised my last dog I would not do that again. I am going to start giving her a small dose of benedryl a day, doesn't make her too sleepy but stops the itching and thus the chewing and much of the messing with her hip. I'll see what that does. The asprin is said to have long term effects but she doesn't have a long term. I see the way the other animals react and they know...
She isn't hiding or keeping herself away so... but this feels like a giant torment. My dad took two years to die of cancer and it wasn't this hard. He didn't know who I was and that was the pain there. I had already lost him even if the body kind of went on. I have a hard time letting go but know that the time will come, in my arms at the vet or in her sleep from her heart no longer beating. Its just that the knowing makes me so sad.
I will have her cremated and she will be with her companions who lived together and have passed. I will put my alter and memorital back up and they will be remembered. I will have the money ready to make sure. I have come to look and make sure she's breathing. In some ways I hope she dies peacefully in her sleep, and in others want her to be in my arms. If the benedryl helps I'll feel better about things but thats putting off the enevitalble I know.
I'm bipolar and currently caught in this stupid catch 22 about getting new meds, so I'm cycling. I cry so easily and let myself because otherwise I get so badly depressed. Not that she is in that last stage of life, but that I keep being reminded. I love her and give her attention and her meds. She spends a lot of time next to me. Anyone who complains about the "dog smell" in the house from a very old dog can leave. But I feel like I'm in this growing limbo and can't stop the crying.
I've caught myself thinking that "for her sake" maybe not wait. But while I have a great sense that she and I both know it isn't going to be a long time, she isn't ready. She still has her joys. So that is a selfish wish I will not give into. Nor will I "hold on" when it is time. My fluffy who was not given that gift will be with her then.
I don't know what the point of this is, but how do you handle this knowing without this great sadness?
You can't do it without sadness. Unfortunately, if you didn't feel some degree of sadness you wouldn't be the wonderfully caring person you are. I think it comes down to knowing your pet and not wanting her to be here selfishly for you. It takes a great deal of love, courage and respect for you furry baby to give her permission to move on (sometimes with the help of a vet) and be free of her pain/ailments.
You can't do it without sadness. Unfortunately, if you didn't feel some degree of sadness you wouldn't be the wonderfully caring person you are. I think it comes down to knowing your pet and not wanting her to be here selfishly for you. It takes a great deal of love, courage and respect for you furry baby to give her permission to move on (sometimes with the help of a vet) and be free of her pain/ailments.
Just know we all understand and it's not easy.
I totally agree. I'm putting down my female rottie this week. She's the 'pack mom' to my foster dogs, my virtual right hand in the rescue. I have no clue how I'll go on without her. But I know she's done her job and she's served me so very well for 6 years now, after coming from a horrible situation. She's known love and respect and gratitude. I also know she's now in pain that even pain meds can't quell. It's her time. Keeping her going any longer is plain selfish on our part. She's ready and loving her means letting her move on.
Not sure if it helps, but when I lost my first rottie many years ago, someone sent me this. Don't know where it came from, but it really sums up losing them:
Quote:
"I am sending you on a journey to a land free from pain..not because I didn't love you but because I loved you too much to force you to stay."
God speed to your friend. And hugs to you for being a wonderful fur parent. I know your pain all too well.
Nightbird,
I am sending you all the hugs I can. You are in a tough place right now but it seems that you are doing it all right for your lovely friend. As long as she still has joy in her life, and it is not all pain, she is content to be with you. You will know when she has passed that point, and your love for her will give you the strength to do her the last kindness. Oh it makes me cry too, knowing your hurt here. Just believe that you have taken the best care of her you could, and it sounds to me like you really have! She is a lucky dog to have you for a friend, and she knows that. Hug her, love her, and when it is time, let her go to the Bridge, where she will wait for you happily! Be proud of yourself for the wonderful life you gave her. I know she is. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
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