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My mom has been in ICU for the last two weeks. The particulars of her condition don't matter... just want to say that the conversation appears to be turning towards palliative care, possibly towards the end of the week (mom is aware of this).
I'll have more of an idea in the next day or two. I'll be ready to fly out probably on Wednesday. I'll have to be back home on Friday because of work obligations (pet sitter... at Christmas time... ).
My question is how do I talk to her? What kinds of things do I say to her to bring her comfort? She can't talk because she's intubated, but she can nod her head.
We've not had a lovely relationship. Most of the time I was mad or disappointed at her (she pretty much drank herself into the hospital and now she's dying from it). None of this matters though in the face of death. In our last hours together I want to make sure she feels the comfort without the regret... so I'm not sure how much of the past I can talk about with her.. I was thinking of going through photos and bringing her pictures of our family.. the issue is that my parents had a bitter divorce and she's still really mad at my dad. I'm not sure if even showing her photos would be okay.
I will tell her it's okay. I'll tell her that my sister and I plan to see each other next summer and we'll spread her ashes where she wanted us to. Together.
Short of that I don't know what else to do. Telling her that won't take but a few moments...
When my mother was dying we siblings talked a little to her about happy times and how much we loved her but mostly just held her hands. Ditto with my late husband.
If there are any relatives or old friends that you think would like to say "goodbye" you can call them on the phone and just hold the phone to your mom's ear. My late husband was unable to respond but he clearly understood who was talking to him on the phone (his adult children and his siblings). I think that it helped my husband as well as the people who could not get there before he died.
If you really are concerned you can call a local hospice association and get suggestions from them on what to do in your situation.
I don’t think you have to say too much. You can certainly tell her you love her. If you think it would help her, you can tell her you forgive her. You could ask her forgivenesses as well.
You could point out positive things in her character, that you feel you benefitted from, or inherited. If you share humorous memories, you could reminiscence with her about those. She will likely be too tired and dozey for too much visiting, though.
What you talk about will depend on her state of mind, your comfort level, and what you feel you want her to know as she passes.
But just being with her is probably the greatest gift you can give her.
Blessings on you for your willingness to be with your mother as she passes from this life.
She must have happy childhood memories. You could talk to her about that. When my dad was dying I talked about him taking me fishing when I was 5 years old. A happy memory for me and I'm pretty sure a happy time for him. Try to focus on happy memories.
We've not had a lovely relationship. Most of the time I was mad or disappointed at her (she pretty much drank herself into the hospital and now she's dying from it). None of this matters though in the face of death. In our last hours together I want to make sure she feels the comfort without the regret... so I'm not sure how much of the past I can talk about with her..
I think you just did that. I would go through the things that you two might regret and try to give her release from any blame or sorrow. Tell her that you're there to let her know that she is still important in your life in spite of those problems and try to lighten her load. Once they're dealt away with, all you have left is a mother and her daughter.
When my mother was terminal, she adamantly refused to look at family photos.
Perhaps she’d enjoy it if you just chat about what’s going on in your life and read her some interesting articles you find online or in a paper or magazine. That’s the kind of stuff my mom wanted.
Just sit there in the ICU. She may be sleeping a lot, but just sit there. You can read while she's asleep. Hold her hand. (If the hospital has those stupid chairs that lean back, see if they can get you one that lets you sit comfortably by the bed.) You could mention any pleasant family memories from the past. You can tell her what you're doing. You can tell her about your sister at present. You can convey the idea that you and your sister will be close and spending time together in the future (even if that isn't true). You can make pointless small talk about the hospital staff. You can play music for her, whether it's Christmas music or whatever she likes. I wouldn't burden her with photo albums. Maybe you should show her one or two snapshots, and see how interested she is.
I'm sure this will be difficult, but I hope you'll be comforted by the knowledge of your kindness.
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). 
Ask her....
