My dad died from COVID last May, and the grief only hit me recently... (therapy, mom)

[KPU1256]

So, to make a long story short, my family has been really dysfunctional throughout my life. Parents fought alot, dad was verbally and on a couple occasions physically abusive. Sister has had issues with suicide attempts and mood swings, being angry and breaking ****. Plus my dad's side of the family doesn't have the best temperament. I myelf am on the autism spectrum so have always struggled with social relationships not being very open about things. Bottom line this has led to alot of conflicting feelings over the years, especially with what happened last year.


My dad caught COVID last April. Due to an incident with my sister trying to commit suicide another rift had formed between us. He threatened and almost attacked me for trying to prevent him and my mom from arguing while my sister was hooked up to IVs in front of us. We weren't no contact, and that isn't to say we never exchanged I love yous or hugs but we didn't really talk much and I didn't really go with him and my sister on outings. Before that we did so, but him acting out again during said incident hurt me and while I didn't say I hate him he wore me out as there had been several other occasions. However he opted not to get vaccinated for COVID(despite being in his 60s with previous conditions like blood clots, etc but listened to what his fiance said about ''side effects'')


He got intubated pretty quickly and things quickly became chaotic as his side of the family and his fiance stated to get up to games and basically being underhanded with trying to keep us out of his affairs or even visiting him, and my mom was out of state at that time helping my grandam who had surgery. I did go to say goodbye to him, once with my sister and mom where we were all around him saying we loved him and forgave him for everything, and then once again by myself where I repeated the same stuff. At this time I was trying to move out to get some distance from the drama and time to think about (things which I was already doing before all this happened) but then his condition worsened and he eventually passed in late last May.


When I first heard about my dad's death, I was shocked but didn't start crying and bawling like in movies or TV. Part of me felt a little bit of relief since the turmoil of our complicated relationship was over. But about a few weeks back after(and even a bit during) work, I cried. I sat with my mom and let the tears flow, told her about my guilt at not spending one more day with him if I knew he would get sick, about how our family was and just slumped against her feeling the worst pain imaginable. My sister recorded of me saying I loved/hearted him and some pictures of me and her with hearts around them which he saw as he said ''thank'' through text message(before he went under he couldn't talk much). I remember how on the phone the last conversation between us uninvolved him asking why I was like this with him and how he called me when I had caught mild COVID.


I don't remember what I said, but thank God I didn't say I hate you or similar as I would just feel WAY worst than I do now. I wish I had just told him that I forgave him and loved him right then and there, and my sister had said in the past to talk to him and make up in case something likes this happens. My mom stresses I shouldn't blame myself and that all 3 of us loved my dad and were there to make sure he didn't die alone like many COVID patients do(we gowned up and were in the room) and his relatives didn't even do that. So our whole relationship wasn't bad, but he had anger issues and untreated mental problems but my mom tried to get him therapy before but he wouldn't take. Even though I still hurt and feel guilty running through what I could do in hindsight, I am glad I was able to open up to my mom and sister and we can try to move forward and love each other more and spend time together. She even told me even he didn't know he was gonna die as not only would he have tried to talk to us/have us come in sooner he also had been saying he was gonna sue his workplace due to exposure from them when he recovered.



TL;DR Finally feeling true sadness over my estranged dad's death and trying to move forward and not rack myself with guilt over a complex and sad life situation and focusing on what's important. Still finding myself feeling conflicted over what I should have said to done and feeling I should have anticipated his death and making up my mind about making amends.

[WalkingLiberty1919D]

I am sorry for your loss. Your history with your father is so complex that I really can't imagine what you are going through. But it sounds like you are a good person who cares about others, so be sure to care about you too. It might help you heal if you write your dad a letter explaining all this. Just put it all down on paper. It can't hurt and it might help you to heal.

[mordant]

My wife is a poster child for "complicated and fraught relationship with Dad". Dear old Dad is pushing 90 and I doubt he'll last the winter, he is clearly fading. And I imagine that her response to the news of his death will be ... complicated. I am very pleased and proud of her that she spent several months recently helping him put together a book of remembrances, a sort of autobiography. It meant a lot to him. It took her a lifetime to get to a place of accepting him as he is, inabilities and blind spots and parental negligence and all. She had to endure his garbled recollections of her own and her sibling's past, as he was so often emotionally absent and not home and otherwise Not Paying Attention. And she had to lick the boots of her monster-in-law to make it all happen. But it appears to have been worth it to her, and I'm sure it will comfort her to know that she did that.

The OP can take comfort also in extending themselves toward Dad in his final illness. Relationships aren't easy. We do the best we can. It never feels like enough.

[Blondy]

When I encounter dysfunctional people either in my family or elsewhere, I try to remember that most people are doing the best they can. They are operating based on whatever they learned or was modeled to them as "normal" behavior in their family of origin. If they could do better, they probably would.

If you don't learn healthy behavior as a child, it is much harder to learn it as an adult even when you are really motivated to "retrain" yourself. You have to seek out new role models, educate yourself, perhaps seek professional/expert advice, talk to others who are healthy or who have overcome for the most part dysfunctional situations, etc.

Beating yourself up, second guessing yourself and getting stuck in guilt is rarely useful unless it motivates you to change things going forward. Obviously, there is no do over with relationships that end due to death. You can reframe your memory of that relationship to something probably more rational than the one clouded by all the dysfunction it involved and you can learn from it things that you can apply to other relationships with those still living to make them healthier.

Some things you might find useful. A ritual like the letter written to dad, but I would add a ceremony of sorts where you burn the letter and release all the negativity it might contain to the universe. Just let it all go up in smoke.

Don't just focus on the negative and hurtful. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for in your relationship with your father. No matter how mundane or how little you may find them emotionally satisfying. For example, did he work enough to keep you under a roof with food on the table? Sure, it's a low bar for a parent, but it's not nothing. If you concentrate on the positive, you may find things that are worth more to you than you have realized.

Some people find it useful to explore their sadness/grief and or complex feelings related to their grief with other people going through the same thing. There are moderated bereavement groups in most places. Your local hospital or funeral home can probably refer you or may even have one.

Individual therapy may be helpful. Short term if just to help with your sadness or longer term if the dysfunction in your family continues to impact your current life in negative ways.

There is also a sub-forum here for Grief and Mourning. The people posting there have all kinds of situations and are very kind in dealing with each other. Also, very open in sharing how they have processed their own grief and solutions that have helped them.

Understanding why your dad acted the way he did can go a long way to helping you come to terms with your feelings about your dad. Most family dysfunction is generational. How much to you know about his history/childhood. Find out more if you can from other family members. For example, people who are abusive were generally abused themselves. Not saying that is a good excuse for anything he did to abuse you but it can help you gain more perspective.

If you are religious or even if not, many churches have a Blue Christmas ceremony in early December. It's a short ritual service with music, short talk about grieving by a pastor and a candle lighting ceremony for audience participation to light a candle and say aloud the name of the person(s) you are grieving. Some funeral homes have a similar service that is non-religious.

Maybe seek that out, take Mom and sister with you and then go out to dinner as a family to have a happy meal and remember Dad's good points while strengthening bonds with living family members.

Take care of yourself while you process these emotions........that btw are very normal.