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I am 90,I moved to CT to be with family knowing end was near for all on Feb 2016,I have seen 18 deaths including my wife not much of me left.
Got my present on Dec 15,2021 from booster Moderna #2,crippled legs.
Dan, congratulations on 90.
( I am decades younger than you, I had an issue from Moderna #2 also. In my legs also, I am a daily runner. Took months to gets over/through it. That ended my covid vacs)
Keep enjoying each day, one at a time. I had an uncle that drank whiskey and smoked non filtered cigarettes and lived to be 92. If you asked him how he was doing, he would say, “ I am having a ball!” And he did.
What's that quote about "wow, what a ride"? Found it:
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” Hunter Thompson https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/471...the-grave-with
Anyway, I am so sorry you're experiencing all that, DanBev. Also, Sera. All of us, really.
Neither is "better". You still lose the person you love. The grieving process may just be different. "Anticipatory grief", which I learned was a term when my fiance was dying, is very real. There's fresh grief when they die, but also relief, which of course can bring up guilty feelings. It's complicated.
My father died fast, on the kitchen floor, of a heart attack. It was unexpected, and some numbness came along with the shock. I really felt the deep grief about three months later. With my mother, it was a little easier because even though I didn't expect to find her dead THAT NIGHT, she was 91, showing signs of weakening, and she had made mention a few times that her friends and family (she was the oldest of four and outlived them all, her youngest brother dying two months before she did) were leaving and soon she would be going, too. It was sad to say goodbye, but not a shock, and I was grateful she didn't suffer, had a sound mind right to the end, and didn't deteriorate to the point of a nursing home before she left. I miss her, and sometimes that sense of loss comes on very strongly, but the grief was not as painful as either the shock of my father's death or the despair of my fiance's death because she had a long life and the best death one could hope for.
A psychic told me "Your mother closed the curtain herself", an image I rather like.
My brother's death was anticipated, but still very difficult to fathom. Death of a sibling is different from any other, I found.
One thing for sure, whenever or however it comes, you don't escape the grief of losing someone you love. It will come to you sooner or later.
You're right...neither is better. But I will say that cancer is a whole 'nother animal. There's like you said, the anticipatory grief, and then the actual grief when death finally relieves them of their pain and suffering.
That's the aspect about cancer and such ailments, it leaves a trail of pain and suffering for your loved one, and it traumatizes you in such a degree that I can't describe right now.
Sudden natural deaths spare your loved one extended periods of pain and suffering. It would hurt to lose my mom period, but to also have her suffer along the way to an invariable conclusion...that's another type of pain.
You're right...neither is better. But I will say that cancer is a whole 'nother animal. There's like you said, the anticipatory grief, and then the actual grief when death finally relieves them of their pain and suffering.
That's the aspect about cancer and such ailments, it leaves a trail of pain and suffering for your loved one, and it traumatizes you in such a degree that I can't describe right now.
Sudden natural deaths spare your loved one extended periods of pain and suffering. It would hurt to lose my mom period, but to also have her suffer along the way to an invariable conclusion...that's another type of pain.
Yes. My mother-in-law died of colon cancer the same year my SIL's dad died of a sudden heart attack. (We were married to brothers, and we both loved their mother.) I remember my SIL, having experienced both at the same time, saying although her Dad's death was such a shock, it was easier on them than the drawn-out suffering cancer death of our husbands' mom.
I miss my own mother every day. It is three and a half years. But dang, she let me off easy, just dying in her sleep one night.
You're right...neither is better. But I will say that cancer is a whole 'nother animal. There's like you said, the anticipatory grief, and then the actual grief when death finally relieves them of their pain and suffering.
That's the aspect about cancer and such ailments, it leaves a trail of pain and suffering for your loved one, and it traumatizes you in such a degree that I can't describe right now.
Sudden natural deaths spare your loved one extended periods of pain and suffering. It would hurt to lose my mom period, but to also have her suffer along the way to an invariable conclusion...that's another type of pain.
You know an aspect of long drawn out terminal situations that seldom gets talked about is the financial burden. I have seen these situations drain entire families down to zero life savings. I don’t mean to sound crass or insensitive to the other feelings and situations of grief and death, but having to file bankruptcy and/or borrow money for a funeral and then start all over again is very tragic. I have seen this side of the situation destroy people and families.
I was reluctant to even bring this up, but two life long family friends have been struggling with this for about a year now. The end is near for both patients, and the stress level is enormous.
I remember a good friend of mine struggling with the costs of maintaining her husband at home during his final illness. She also had a lot of "anticipatory grief." It was very strange. I remember at one point I gave her a little poem by Maya Angelou that said something like "I want to thank you Lord, for life and all that's in it. Thank you for the day and for the hour and for the minute." Then I had to live through that myself with my husband's sudden death - he actually died the week BEFORE her husband. You know, I don't think either death was "better," but I do know that I didn't take the financial hit that she did. She had to pay people to come help her for a YEAR. But she flat out told me "I think a sudden death is more shocking and worse, actually." So who knows? I think they are both terrible in their own ways.
I remember a good friend of mine struggling with the costs of maintaining her husband at home during his final illness. She also had a lot of "anticipatory grief." It was very strange. I remember at one point I gave her a little poem by Maya Angelou that said something like "I want to thank you Lord, for life and all that's in it. Thank you for the day and for the hour and for the minute." Then I had to live through that myself with my husband's sudden death - he actually died the week BEFORE her husband. You know, I don't think either death was "better," but I do know that I didn't take the financial hit that she did. She had to pay people to come help her for a YEAR. But she flat out told me "I think a sudden death is more shocking and worse, actually." So who knows? I think they are both terrible in their own ways.
No, there's no easy way to lose someone you love, whether it's fast or slow. It sucks any which way.
In the case of my fiance, home care was a little different because it was in Canada. We had a nurse come once a week, more frequently when the bedsores started, and at the end she was coming every day. An aide came twice a week to bathe him, trim his beard, clip his nails, etc. The palliative care doc came to the house when you called and asked him to come, which we did every few months so that Frank could talk to him himself and not feel as if we always had to speak for him. All of these people did a pretty good job of listening and figuring out what he was saying, since his speech was badly affected by his illness. And of course, it was all covered by the provincial health insurance so we didn't pay for any of this.
But there were also three of us taking shifts to feed him, change him, manage the catheter bag, and sit and watch TV with him and so forth. His sons both took leaves of absence, and the law allowed for one of them to get compassionate care benefits for six months. The son who had been working the night shift at his job also took the night shift with his dad. He would wake me up if he needed help with something. He was just wonderful. The other son was, too, but he is on the spectrum and retreated into his computer world a lot and needed to be told when we needed help instead of being proactive about it. He finally went back to work.
Fortunately, it was not a financial hardship on his family, either. He had enough resources to keep the sons home for that year+.
I'm still recovering from the caregiving, I think.
Mightyqueen, i have a friend from canada and he has always bragged about free health care there. i am glad your fiance had the means to help facilitate his caretaking also. i remember when i was a cancer patient, my oncologist reminded me several times that a caretakers job is harder than the patients sometimes. (i have been a caretaker a few times, and she was right)
Mightyqueen, i have a friend from canada and he has always bragged about free health care there. i am glad your fiance had the means to help facilitate his caretaking also. i remember when i was a cancer patient, my oncologist reminded me several times that a caretakers job is harder than the patients sometimes. (i have been a caretaker a few times, and she was right)
Thank you!
I just wanted to point out that medical systems differ pretty much across the board. Anyway, enough about all that. I mean, our system in the US is weird, too.
From what I believe is a balanced website:
Quote:
Social benefits: Canada has a universal healthcare system, while the US does not. This means that Canadians pay higher taxes, but they also receive free healthcare.
Cost of living: The cost of living in Canada is generally higher than in the US. This means that even if your taxes are lower in Canada, you may still have a lower overall standard of living.
Quality of life: Both Canada and the US are great countries to live in. However, some people prefer the Canadian lifestyle, while others prefer the American lifestyle.
Ultimately, the decision of whether to live in Canada or the US is a personal one. There is no right or wrong answer. It depends on your individual circumstances and preferences.
I'm still recovering from the caregiving, I think.
The caregiving aspect is completely absent in sudden deaths. That's one thing they don't have to deal with. This doesn't make their grief any less, however. That's common sense.
You have to grieve your caregiving properly. I had ambiguous grief, because my mother was never considered to be terminally ill (causing anticipatory grief); it's just that she became a different person after her stroke. We just lost her - gone forever, despite remnants of the old her, or the odd "almost her old self" for 15 minutes to an hour.
I am still processing the last 2 years of 24/7 caregiving. My father is, too. It takes a big toll on a person over time. It's not discussed much in society, but it wears you down to nothing. My poor Dad was so enveloped in caregiving that he developed a urinary infection from not emptying his bladder enough in the day. We never slept properly, either, because my mother paced all night, or obsessed over temperature, changing the thermostat 30 times or more. Often times, she wanted my father to accompany her while in her pacing fits; but eventually he had to let her throw tantrums while he remained on his sleeping chair. She would accept, and then go sit in the kitchen until 5:30 am or longer, where she'd pace around the kitchen for 1 or 2 hours or more. It was really a sad situation.
She was better in the daytime, in general, but there times where she'd carry on like a nut if my dad left her alone for more than 5 minutes or so. I would try to calm her down, and it would work 50% of the time. Her neediness for my dad was pathological. Nothing we could do. Also, she'd go in phases where she would go to the bathroom 10 times or more in an hour, even though she never needed to go. She'd do this sometimes in the night, too, making my dad get up to go with her, even though she could walk perfectly fine on her own (and fast, too).
In the last 5 or 6 months of her life, she stopped wanting to have her hair washed. She wanted no proper bath - only a scrub-down with soapy wash clothes. And then there was her refusing to take out her contact lenses at nighttime. I told her that she always soaked her contacts in cleaning solution at night all of her life. She just ignored me and said, "My contacts feel beautiful; they're fine." I just let her go, and decided to buy a whole bunch of contacts for a few hundred dollars. We changed them every couple of days in the daytime. What do you do? One time, she had a rather serious nosebleed, and would not lie down properly and keep tissues in her nose. I was in tears that day. I had to leave the house because I couldn't deal with her anymore. I felt guilty about leaving dad with her, but he was calmer about it.
We had her on a few different medications: anti-depressants did nothing; one anti-psychotic helped a tiny bit. Overall, no supplement or medication did anything significant. She was too far gone.
I was told something interesting not too long ago about my mother. This person had a lot of experience with stroke patients, and is very well-versed in post-stroke life. He said that my mother probably brought in her stroke attack all of her past mental history of severe anxiety. Her stroke was a 3/5 (moderate-severe) -- not full-on severe or massive. That said, he doesn't think the way she was could be all chalked up to brain damage, but rather partially to past mental history and how she responded to the traumatic event of a stroke in itself (PTSD).
I still can't believe how my father and I got through this. Without each other, we wouldn't have. This just didn't go on for a few months, but almost 2 years.
There was no hope for her mind -- just gone. She had a lot of her cognitive mind left intact like memory, ability to read very well, do simple math, tell jokes, play Solitaire (attention span was too bad to do it more than 10 minutes). She could be very sharp-minded, understanding all the jokes on sitcoms she'd watch. But, sadly, she was emotionally insane.
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