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Last year my nephew got married and my immediate family was not invited to his wedding. Everyone else in the family, cousins etc were invited but not us . I found out in The worst way and when I confronted his mother she lied to me and my husband and told us we were invited. She made some rumbling about how the guest list was tight and she couldn’t even invite her close friends to the wedding blah blah blah but told us of course we were invited , the save the date must have just been lost in the mail. We live across the country from each other so this seamed feasible and why wouldn’t it? My sister and I were each other’s maids of honour and our boys were raised together until the age of 13 when my family husband and I and our children moved across country for a job transfer. As the wedding date got closer and we still hadn’t received an invitation another family member let me know that when she RSVP ‘d it made the guest list visible and that my family wasn’t on it. I was devastated. To add insult to injury I was in town during the brides bridal shower and received a panicked call by the mother of the groom making sure I wasn’t going to show up at the shower. She didn’t even know I was in town but our brother erroneously assumed I was there to attend the bridal shower. Because although we are 2800 miles apart I still bust my fanny to attend all family events. I was shocked and told her because I hadn’t received an invite to the shower I had no idea it was even happening and she said “good because xyz (bride) didn’t count in you being there . On the day of the wedding she posted photos of her and all her friends , the ones she said couldn’t even be invited all over face book. It was hurtful and unbelievable and I have shed many many tears over this. I unfriended her on FB and we have not spoken since the day she called to make sure I wasn’t attending the bridal shower. Not one person stood up for me and my family and said anything and in fact when I cried on other sisters shoulder she said she knew they were wrong and it wasn’t right but she didn’t appreciate being put in the middle. Fast forward my son is now getting married. He was also hurt to not be invited to his cousins wedding but he is more upset that I wasn’t. He has decided he isn’t inviting them to his wedding. My husband whole heartedly agrees. I do too but now I am getting push back from other family members. The sister who told me she didn’t want to be in the middle of it before is now telling me I’m wrong and I should be making my son invite them. She said two wrongs don’t make a right blah blah blah. Honestly I have done what is deemed the right thing my whole life and it’s rarely reciprocated. But here’s the thing if the tables had been turned I would have never lied and told her she was invited. The question is are we wrong for not inviting them?
Take the high road and invite them if your son and his bride to be agree. While not normally applicable for a situation like this, the best revenge is living well. You will live well by inviting them.
BTW--I'm the oldest of 5 children. I understand always doing the right thing with family matters. I'd be hurt too, but is it worth it to give up on your sister completely?
Take the high road and invite them if your son and his bride to be agree. While not normally applicable for a situation like this, the best revenge is living well. You will live well by inviting them.
BTW--I'm the oldest of 5 children. I understand always doing the right thing with family matters. I'd be hurt too, but is it worth it to give up on your sister completely?
Even if my son doesn’t want to? He is adamant. Can I force him? Yes probably but where as I was wavering at one point due to other sisters words overall I’m at peace not inviting them. Karma and what comes around goes around.
It’s funny when she did what she did it seemed to be accepted but if I do it in turn I’m the bad guy.
It sounds like you feel like you know deep down inside that inviting them is the right thing to do, but it really isnt in this case. Likely because you are a family oriented person and as you said you always do the right thing.
Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to "just say no"
I read your post 3 times. What would have bothered me the most is the lying. I would have certainly been hurt by not being invited but what is unforgivable IMO is that she flat out lied to you about it. Even going as far as to say she couldn't invite friends but then on the day of was posting photos from the wedding of her and her friends. That almost seems intentionally mean spirited to me. I don't know how anyone doing something like that could be unaware of their actions.
Also the phone call about the bridal shower. WOW. One thing is for sure, she has no etiquette whatsoever. Any normal person would have called and said "I just heard you were in town and we didn't send you an invite because I didn't want you to feel obligated to fly across country to attend this but now that I know you're here please please join us." Who calls someone in a panic and expresses that they are concerned you might come? Why just not acknowledge you even being there?
It sounds like you feel like you know deep down inside that inviting them is the right thing to do, but it really isnt in this case. Likely because you are a family oriented person and as you said you always do the right thing.
Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to "just say no"
I read your post 3 times. What would have bothered me the most is the lying. I would have certainly been hurt by not being invited but what is unforgivable IMO is that she flat out lied to you about it. Even going as far as to say she couldn't invite friends but then on the day of was posting photos from the wedding of her and her friends. That almost seems intentionally mean spirited to me. I don't know how anyone doing something like that could be unaware of their actions.
Also the phone call about the bridal shower. WOW. One thing is for sure, she has no etiquette whatsoever. Any normal person would have called and said "I just heard you were in town and we didn't send you an invite because I didn't want you to feel obligated to fly across country to attend this but now that I know you're here please please join us." Who calls someone in a panic and expresses that they are concerned you might come? Why just not acknowledge you even being there?
You’re spot on about the lying. I would have been hurt by not being invited but would have respected their decision if she had discussed it and candidly told us . However the way it all went down is just unacceptable.
STEP BACK. This isn't your wedding. Guests should be selected by the bride and groom. If they don't want to invite certain family members it is not on you. Not your business. Any family members pressuring you should be told that the guest list is entirely up to your son and his fiancee and that you are not meddling. Hopefully you won't be meddling in the rest of their marriage.
Honestly, if people would have started fussing at my husband and me about how we were doing our special day and who should be invited, it would have been all we needed to just elope.
Your son doesn’t want them and it’s his decision. Their behavior was horrible and shouldn’t be rewarded. The lying and then calling to make sure you aren’t coming is unforgivable.
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