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IMO tho...is that "manning up" if he is listening to his wife demand he can't stand up in a wedding after he already said yes???????
He originally told her he wasn't being in the wedding party. He was put on the spot and needs to get out of it. When you're married you compromise on what you do. They have kid and a business
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,643,947 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
He originally told her he wasn't being in the wedding party. He was put on the spot and needs to get out of it. When you're married you compromise on what you do. They have kid and a business
Compromise should come *BEFORE* the decision tho....not after IMO.........but ita she shouldn't go.........
Last edited by TashaPosh; 11-27-2019 at 05:05 PM..
He originally told her he wasn't being in the wedding party. He was put on the spot and needs to get out of it. When you're married you compromise on what you do. They have kid and a business
Exactly. He said one thing and then felt pressured into another. He's not able to make all of the rehearsals and doesn't want to be in the wedding. But he has a hard time saying no. I'm betting he will back out closer the wedding when things get to be too much for him to manage with other commitments. And that's going to create additional problems. Either I'm left in the lurch managing extra stuff for a wedding he has no interest being in or the groom has to scramble to find someone else as a best man.
Compromise should come *BEFORE* the decision tho....not after IMO.........but ita she shouldn't go.........
How long have you been with your fiance?
They've been married 15 years. I think she knows her husband by now. 15 years is a long time to be with someone. I'm with my hub 20 years. I personally don't vent on these boards for this reason because people don't have experience with the posts they reply to. They just reply to jump on the person. I'm not saying you're doing that. You're planning a wedding so you're too close to that opinion. You have no kids either. It's a game changer, especially with owning businesses. My hub is in business for himself so I can relate.
It's not fair he leaves to be in this wedding. He can't even do best man duties. I sure as heck wouldn't want him in my wedding. It's why my hub and I had no one there with us. I haven't even talked to the gal who stood with me at my last small wedding for 20 years. We just found each other on FB a few years ago. We used to be so close but grew apart.
How would you feel if your fiance's best friend couldn't stand up because he can't afford the tux? Even next friend in line can't afford it, so he picked someone that he thinks can afford it. Personally I'd pay the tux for them. The gal in my last wedding wore a dress I had from being a bridesmaid in my siblings wedding. Been there, done that. She was actually pick #2 because my best friend refused to even try dresses on. She was my oldest best friend too and her hub was my ex's best friend. She tried to guilt me into having her when I married my hub. It's why we didn't have anyone. She screwed me big time when I married my ex. There's more I'm not writing cause it's not about me. The point is, would you even want her husband in your wedding pics when he's just an occasional friend? I sure wouldn't
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo
Exactly. He said one thing and then felt pressured into another. He's not able to make all of the rehearsals and doesn't want to be in the wedding. But he has a hard time saying no. I'm betting he will back out closer the wedding when things get to be too much for him to manage with other commitments. And that's going to create additional problems. Either I'm left in the lurch managing extra stuff for a wedding he has no interest being in or the groom has to scramble to find someone else as a best man.
It wouldn't be fair to the groom to back out then. You really should talk to him, tell him it's just too much on you and not fair to his friend
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,643,947 times
Reputation: 7618
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
How long have you been with your fiance?
They've been married 15 years. I think she knows her husband by now. 15 years is a long time to be with someone. I'm with my hub 20 years. I personally don't vent on these boards for this reason because people don't have experience with the posts they reply to. They just reply to jump on the person. I'm not saying you're doing that. You're planning a wedding so you're too close to that opinion. You have no kids either. It's a game changer, especially with owning businesses. My hub is in business for himself so I can relate.
It's not fair he leaves to be in this wedding. He can't even do best man duties. I sure as heck wouldn't want him in my wedding. It's why my hub and I had no one there with us. I haven't even talked to the gal who stood with me at my last small wedding for 20 years. We just found each other on FB a few years ago. We used to be so close but grew apart.
How would you feel if your fiance's best friend couldn't stand up because he can't afford the tux? Even next friend in line can't afford it, so he picked someone that he thinks can afford it. Personally I'd pay the tux for them. The gal in my last wedding wore a dress I had from being a bridesmaid in my siblings wedding. Been there, done that. She was actually pick #2 because my best friend refused to even try dresses on. She was my oldest best friend too and her hub was my ex's best friend. She tried to guilt me into having her when I married my hub. It's why we didn't have anyone. She screwed me big time when I married my ex. There's more I'm not writing cause it's not about me. The point is, would you even want her husband in your wedding pics when he's just an occasional friend? I sure wouldn't
A little over a yr...but I’m not jumping on anyone tho I know some do. I disagree tho that the time to discuss it or compromise is not after he has committed......but *before*....shrugs. That’s her husband’s fault if he didn’t want to do it & said he yes anyways. Why did he say yes? He is totally a pushover...like O.P. says...or he wants to do it more than he is saying IMO. I wouldn’t want anyone at our wedding that didn’t want to be there ofc....or anybody that was fighting about it...because it’s supposed to be a party. Why couldn’t they just rent a tux for their 1st choice...ita with you...so it’s kinda crazy....but I am super happy to skip all the bridal party & traditional church ceremony stuff.
A little over a yr...but I’m not jumping on anyone tho I know some do. I disagree tho that the time to discuss it or compromise is not after he has committed......but *before*....shrugs. That’s her husband’s fault if he didn’t want to do it & said he yes anyways. Why did he say yes? He is totally a pushover...like O.P. says...or he wants to do it more than he is saying IMO. I wouldn’t want anyone at our wedding that didn’t want to be there ofc....or anybody that was fighting about it...because it’s supposed to be a party. Why couldn’t they just rent a tux for their 1st choice...ita with you...so it’s kinda crazy....but I am super happy to skip all the bridal party & traditional church ceremony stuff.
A year? Yeah okay. Come back and give advice after a few decades. Sheesh.
I have news for you. No one is truly chomping at the bit to go to your wedding or be in your party should you decide to have one. I know every bride believes her wedding is the event of the decade but people attend out of obligation or affection...not because you are a fantastic entertainer and they just can't wait to watch you swan around in an expensive dress and be the center of attention. Judging from your other threads you really think this is going to be the invite of the season. it's not.
Most people have other things going on in their lives that make attending cross country weddings inconvenient. I know its hard to hear because you really want to believe that everyone you know had been waiting with baited breath for your big day. People will show up and wish you well, or not and send a card. Either way they aren't rearranging their whole social calendar just for you. Lots of people really don't enjoy weddings and are polite about not saying so. You might be surprised.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,643,947 times
Reputation: 7618
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo
A year? Yeah okay. Come back and give advice after a few decades. Sheesh.
I have news for you. No one is truly chomping at the bit to go to your wedding or be in your party should you decide to have one. I know every bride believes her wedding is the event of the decade but people attend out of obligation or affection...not because you are a fantastic entertainer and they just can't wait to watch you swan around in an expensive dress and be the center of attention. Judging from your other threads you really think this is going to be the invite of the season. it's not.
Most people have other things going on in their lives that make attending cross country weddings inconvenient. I know its hard to hear because you really want to believe that everyone you know had been waiting with baited breath for your big day. People will show up and wish you well, or not and send a card. Either way they aren't rearranging their whole social calendar just for you. Lots of people really don't enjoy weddings and are polite about not saying so. You might be surprised.
It’s not advice tho....it’s common sense IMO....you compromise & talk about the decision *before* the decision or commitment is made...not after.
You are mad at your husband for committing to go to a wedding you don’t want to go to....but....you don’t speak for everybody that is invited to any wedding & not mine.... We’re not even having a bridal party or a traditional wedding...it’s going to be on NYE & ours wont be cross country for most of the guests....
Simple. Don't go. This is HIS friend. Leaving your child would create hardships for you. You already are strapped for cash; why buy two plane tickets?
Sorry, I don't think you're selfish or unsupportive because you don't want to spend a lot of money and stress to go to a wedding for someone you barely know, whom you have no connections to except through your husband.
And no, I don't think you "don't like your husband" or any of that BS because you realize he has faults. This isn't something OP is making up, people. Her husband stated outright he doesn't want to do this but allowed himself to get guilted into it. That *is* a personality trait that is now causing trouble not only for him but his family. And he clearly knows it, admits it, and dislikes it. So no, she's not being a big meanyhead here.
And no, I don't think he "has to" suck it up and do something he doesn't want to do, can't afford to do, and doesn't have time to do, just because his friend asked him. THere is such an answer as "Friend, I am very flattered you asked me and I'd love to, but right now I have a lot of commitments and I'm not sure my finances will allow it. I will attend {if he can} but I can't commit to being your best man." There's nothing wrong with that. As OP pointed out, this guy has many other friends and family who could do this and who, it sounds like, would like to. That the "friend" expects someone who lives far away to do best man duties, spend the coin to fly to a wedding and to do best man duties, at a time of year when travel is difficult (what if flights get canceled and OP's husband doesn't make it at all?), and when he knows the someone has financial troubles and family obligations, and using the someone's inability to say no to things to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do... is a bit much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
This information would have been so helpful in the first post, much more helpful than how busy you both are and the myriad ways this event would cause you distress. The whole post could have been three or four sentences long.
It was. From the first post in this thread:
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo
My husband's best childhood friend
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh
IMO tho...is that "manning up" if he is listening to his wife demand he can't stand up in a wedding after he already said yes???????
No, it's "manning up" when he declines to do something he doesn't want to do in the first place but was guilted into. It would have been "manning up" if he'd said no (like he wanted to) in the first place.
Everyone is acting like OP is browbeating him into declining. He WANTED to decline from the get-go. OP is just trying to get him to finally grow a spine. His lack of being able to stand up for himself isn't hurting just him*, but other people as well, so yes, those other people have a right to be annoyed.
*Though even if it was just him, I bet other people would have to listen to him whine about it.
Simple. Don't go. This is HIS friend. Leaving your child would create hardships for you. You already are strapped for cash; why buy two plane tickets?
Sorry, I don't think you're selfish or unsupportive because you don't want to spend a lot of money and stress to go to a wedding for someone you barely know, whom you have no connections to except through your husband.
And no, I don't think you "don't like your husband" or any of that BS because you realize he has faults. This isn't something OP is making up, people. Her husband stated outright he doesn't want to do this but allowed himself to get guilted into it. That *is* a personality trait that is now causing trouble not only for him but his family. And he clearly knows it, admits it, and dislikes it. So no, she's not being a big meanyhead here.
And no, I don't think he "has to" suck it up and do something he doesn't want to do, can't afford to do, and doesn't have time to do, just because his friend asked him. THere is such an answer as "Friend, I am very flattered you asked me and I'd love to, but right now I have a lot of commitments and I'm not sure my finances will allow it. I will attend {if he can} but I can't commit to being your best man." There's nothing wrong with that. As OP pointed out, this guy has many other friends and family who could do this and who, it sounds like, would like to. That the "friend" expects someone who lives far away to do best man duties, spend the coin to fly to a wedding and to do best man duties, at a time of year when travel is difficult (what if flights get canceled and OP's husband doesn't make it at all?), and when he knows the someone has financial troubles and family obligations, and using the someone's inability to say no to things to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do... is a bit much.
It was. From the first post in this thread:
No, it's "manning up" when he declines to do something he doesn't want to do in the first place but was guilted into. It would have been "manning up" if he'd said no (like he wanted to) in the first place.
Everyone is acting like OP is browbeating him into declining. He WANTED to decline from the get-go. OP is just trying to get him to finally grow a spine. His lack of being able to stand up for himself isn't hurting just him*, but other people as well, so yes, those other people have a right to be annoyed.
*Though even if it was just him, I bet other people would have to listen to him whine about it.
You said it much better then I did.
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