Setting Boundaries with Set-In-His-Ways Elderly, Cantankerous Father (husband, best, older)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
People use to get up in the morning, get dressed, make the bed, and be ready for the day. Your dad is on the end of a generation that didn't lock doors and people walked in to their families homes without knocking. If it was mealtime, you set another plate. People didn't have to call and ask if they could come over. When I first started working home health in the rural south, it was common for neighbors to open the door and call out and come on in.
Thank you for this response. You are correct, this is exactly what it's like with him. It is a bygone era, neighbors looking out for each other, offering to help put up a fence or mow a pasture, etc. My mom was reared in the city, so her approach to being neighborly was more in line with what one would expect. Without her coordinating the logistics of even a casual walk-over, he just does what he thinks is right without a whole lot of consideration for how it affects my brother and his wife.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newcomputer
This doesn't explain your father's ill temper, but I think he is lonesome and doesn't think of himself as intruding. If he is "catching" your brother during intimate moments in the middle of the day, he may think such behavior is inappropriate. Does your brother go out to work? Does your father approve of your brother's lifestyle? Does your father consider the property still his, even though it was given to your brother? (I am pretty much describing my own father)
I don't think your father is right, but I think I understand him, having grown up and worked in the south. I would put an inside lock on all the doors. I would also make him welcome when its convenient and make a habit of dropping in on him at his place, maybe even every day. You have to set the boundaries. I doubt he is going to change
My father doesn't approve of 98% of anything either of us do, but that's neither here nor there. I do believe he feels entitled to enter that dwelling because it's on ground he once owned and regrets having parceled up. I think both my brother and dad thought their relationship would improve over the years, but it hasn't, and living within eyesight/earshot of each other certainly hasn't helped. They're just oil and water, and no matter what, that will never change. My mom, bless her, was our primary caregiver, and she raised us to be fiercely independent and put no one on a pedestal. We were brought up to respect our parents and bow to their will while under their roof, but as adults, we both stand up for ourselves and live our lives our own way. My brother has opted to tolerate Dad's quirks to keep the peace and maintain some semblance of a relationship. Unfortunately, he's created this situation and yes, he must be the one to resolve it. Meanwhile, I'm caught in the middle listening to both of them **** and moan.
I'm going to take the advice given, and tell my brother to either change the door situation or quit complaining to me about it.
Is the brother really so dim that he cannot figure out on his own to get a simple deadbolt installed?
Or is he afraid of causing a "permanent rift" because of the possibility of losing an inheritance?
I'm going with the second idea.
If my brother were that dim, I'd install the darn thing myself and look like the hero. Frankly, he's a 16-year-old in a 40-something body who craves a relationship with his father that he's never gonna get. He knows this in his head, but his heart is a different story. And sorry to bust your balloon, but there's no inheritance. Dad lives off SS of $1500/month and doesn't have a dime to his name.
I am not surprised, because I read comments like this on a daily basis on C-D.
I am disappointed, though, at how older parents are often viewed as people just to put up with....if even that.
The old man is very lonely. His wife—his constant companion—died just two years ago.
A heart to heart discussion between the son and his father, telling the father that he needs to call before coming over is due. But the brother and his wife need to make the old man feel welcome by inviting him to come over for dinner or to just watch television, to work a jigsaw puzzle, to play cards or just to hang out. They can also take him out to dinner occasionally.
The parents were generous by deeding 2.5 acres to the son during their lifetimes instead of making him wait for an inheritance, which, by the way is not something people should expect to receive.
The parents or the Dad could have sold the whole estate and moved somewhere else, too.
Apparently heart to hearts have not worked. According to the OP her brother HAS REPEATEDLY told him not to cone without calling . I'm sorry I DO NOT WANT either my FIL or my father for that MATTER walking in on me doing the deed. A person had a right to PRIVACY.
AND JUST BECAUSE A SURVIVING PARENT IS LONELY, doesn't mean it's up to children to fill the void of that "constant companion" the surviving spouse had for all those year s. If my FIL wants to pay us what we earn at our 3 jobs plus my SSDI, I'll gladly babysit him, but he doesn't have that kind of money. I am constantly amazed at how older folks expect children to babysit them when they are older, whom, btw I DO not recall babysitting THEIRa aging parents when I was growing up!!!! A once yearly weeks visit with the grandkids and a once a week call was ALL. IT IS NOT A CHILD'S DUTY to babysit elderly lonely parents who often are lonely because they WON'T do anything to NOT be lonely!!!
Finally just because daddy gave brother the land on which to build the house does NOT GIVE DADDYthe right to just walk in unannounced any old time he feels like it, given, inherited, inheritance or not.
Apparently people like you, poster, have never had this problem with YOUR parents. Or may be you did but didn't care. That's on YOU, NOT the OP s brother.
My FIL NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE TO CALL FIRST, until i opened the door wearing only a CONDOM. He decided he DIDN'T want to see THAT again.
What does it take for common courtesy and right to PRIVACY to be a priority?????
Understanding that everyone brings their own experiences to the forum, I appreciate all of your responses. It's hard to put something like this on an open forum, but I have gleaned some very good tips (love the driveway signal idea!). It's interesting to see the different perspectives, and I truly wanted some objectivity to make sure I wasn't missing part of the equation.
The upshot: We both love our dad, and we are sensitive to his quirks, and we try like hell not to let them get to us, but occasionally they do. To clarify, he is not a voyeur and does not have a formal Asperger's diagnosis, but the social awkwardness, lack of a filter, quick rise to anger, tendency to alienate those who love him most, and other aspects of his personality are just part of who he is. Yes, he's clearly depressed and grieving; we all are. But most of this is just who he was before, intensified by the circumstances and without the buffer my mother clearly provided.
We are grown-ups just trying to live our lives while caring for our father and grieving our mother. It's not like my brother lives there and ignores the old man. They have him over for dinner a few nights each week, pick up what he needs from the grocery store, and help out in all the ways you might expect.
I live 3 states away, but in the few years since my mother's illness began and then her death, I have spent more time with my dad than I have my husband and (mostly) grown kids. This year, I've tapered that back quite a bit. I can't shield him from the grief; he has to face it and work through it on his own and in his own time. I hope he does find a new love, as I'm absolutely certain my mother would not want him this miserable. Plus, a distraction would keep him out of my brother's hair. LOL
I'm going to take the advice given, and tell my brother to either change the door situation or quit complaining to me about it.
Or possibly change your attitude about it - let your brother complain and feign interest or shake your head and laugh at him and say "Brother, you got yourself a problem, don't you!!?"......maybe adjusting your whole perspective would help. Don't shoulder the problem if it's not yours to shoulder.
OP you are lucky you still have a father. I wish mine was still alive. He was a Navy fighter pilot killed in a crash. I would put up with any annoyance if he were still here.
Hey, does your dad like animals? He's lonely. Maybe he would like to have a dog.
If they get him a dog, they had better want a dog themselves, or get an older dog from a shelter. The dog might outlive dad and then the kids will become the dog's owner.
This is your bro's problem and he's going to have to handle it, but you can certainly make suggestions. After you do, if he does nothing and still complains, just tell him you've given him your ideas and he's going to have to act on them or stop whining about it.
I suggest a chain lock or one of those hotel style latches, and tell pop he's installing it so they can have some "marital private time". Pop either gets it or he doesn't, but the problem is solved. Pop SHOULD understand this, and probably won't be hurt if he knows the reason for the lock. Then use it only when they really don't want him to come over. That way he sees he's not locked out of their lives, just out of their "private time".
If the father's on the Asperger syndrome, then recognizing social boundaries have always been a problem for him.
Then, whether dementia or Asburger's, one's response needs to be tailored accordingly. Attempting to respond as though normal boundaries were in play will not produce the desired results.
If they get him a dog, they had better want a dog themselves, or get an older dog from a shelter. The dog might outlive dad and then the kids will become the dog's owner.
This is your bro's problem and he's going to have to handle it, but you can certainly make suggestions. After you do, if he does nothing and still complains, just tell him you've given him your ideas and he's going to have to act on them or stop whining about it.
I suggest a chain lock or one of those hotel style latches, and tell pop he's installing it so they can have some "marital private time". Pop either gets it or he doesn't, but the problem is solved. Pop SHOULD understand this, and probably won't be hurt if he knows the reason for the lock. Then use it only when they really don't want him to come over. That way he sees he's not locked out of their lives, just out of their "private time".
I agree whole-heartedly about the dog. My dad just got a pup. My husband and I know we will be taking it in if he gets too sick and we helped him pick out the animal and ensured it was getting obedience training. It's done wonders for him in every way but yeah, it's possible it will outlive him and if that happens we will take it in. We haven't replaced our last dog in case we need to take in his dog and we've been holding a spot for years just in case. Our last dog died in 2006.
But I stand firm on the lock issue. I wouldn't change them. I'd rather just keep intimate moments restricted to the bedroom and have dad wander into the front of house and call out than to keep him outside. He can wait in the kitchen for all I care. He can turn on the tv sit down and watch judge shows it's not a big deal. Perhaps that's because it's in the negative degrees before windchill this weekend or perhaps because I know he's not as on top of things mentally as he used to be. I'd rather have him safe and warm than waiting outside and suffer what could be somewhat of an embarrassing moment.
Older parents can be frustrating and inconvenient but so are kids. I still think grown kids owe their parents- especially if they've stuck around for the children's' lives and done their level best to create a good home. I do feel we owe it back.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
