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If they have been divorced less than a year, I’d suggest having hardly any contact with the children for awhile yet. The worst thing for kids is to be served a revolving door of temporary men.
Exactly, and if the mom is responsible, she'll probably be seeing the OP on the days when the kids are with their father, keeping everything separate until/if things get serious. And yes, they have a father. Their mother's boyfriend is not a replacement.
It was a year and 7 months after their father left that I got married to my present husband. My kids had only known him for 7 months though. Just having a different person living in the house would be an adjustment by itself.
My husband worked a lot, but still tried to be available to do things with the kids. He was patient but I think my kids really took a long time to adjust to their dad leaving, and that life was changed forever. Then my step son moved in. He was a sweet kid, but had adjustments of his own, like going from being an only child to the middle child, being in a new school and neighborhood.
I’m just cautioning you that even in the best of circumstances, with everyone trying in good faith, it’s hard work.
I would say there's a huge range with so many variables and factors, like the dynamic between the mother and bonus dad, and individual personalities, temperament, demeanor, communication styles, parenting style (can be easily influenced by worldview/ideology/religion), background, understanding of child development and current research, etc. My husband was never-married and childless when we met, and despite his not having kids, we were on the same page on parenting styles and philosophy. There was a period of adapting to a life with kids (they were 9, 7 and 4), but we've not had parenting conflicts or differing approaches. Even for primary caregivers, parenting dynamics are about adapting to the needs and stages of each child.
So much is really dependent on the existing dynamic and how the new partner fits into that life. My husband and I have near-identical personalities, demeanor and communication styles. He's very mild-mannered, kind, patient, considerate, and low-key. We share the same life goals and have many shared interests. He's very light-hearted, goofy, a kid at heart, and nerdy/geeky. At the time we met, he knew my then-9 year old daughter loved Spider-Man and then-7 year old daughter loved Thor, and he being a huge Marvel nerd and artist, he drew the characters in a card he gave to them when they first met. They still have those cards. I should also mention that he's worked with kids for 20+ years, so he's a natural around kids and actually likes them and knows how to get down on their level. (I like most OPK in small doses)
Personality wise, he and I are INF/TP and the same for the older two. Personality traits likely influence the dynamic in some (or many) ways. I also think being able to connect in an organic and non-authoritarian way helps a lot, and understanding the individual needs/traits of each kid. He wasn't a threat to the natural way/order of things. He's been very involved from the beginning, doing everything that a parent does, doctor appointments, parent-teacher conferences, quality time, helping with algebra homework, caring for sick kids, encouraging their interests and passions, school functions, school pickup/drop-off, engaging them in meaningful conversations, introducing them to new things, and just maintaining the dynamic that has always existed and works well for all parties. Just like the new beau develops a bond or connection with the mother, the same is true when it comes to the kids, and if there are multiple kids, understanding the differences in each and the relationship you develop overtime. (I did not build such a connection with either stepparent. One was very authoritarian-turned abusive and the other very distant and "old school" with a strong, perhaps off-putting (to some) personality. Neither were warm, affectionate or really engaged.)
Since Mr. Meta is a constant in their life, he's simply papa T, not stepdad, or an intrusive figure. He "gets" them, which can be easily observed in his dynamic with the older two as they were older when he came into the picture and they have a better understanding of relationship and interpersonal dynamics. It's not forced, nor is there the "I have to deal with you because you're my wife's kid" vibe. The little things matter and can go a long way. Just an example, I don't read for pleasure (preferably fiction) as much as I like nowadays, but he does, as do the older two. They're voracious readers. He's read the same books as our (intentional) 11 year old daughter, and is currently reading a series that our oldest completed months ago. There are some they've all read (Ready Player One, which I'm about to start soon), or he's introduced them to (Neil Gaiman and Brandon Sanderson -- for fantasy readers). They'll have discussions about the books and generally other interests they/we share. All three are artists and writers and he's offered tips and advice and encouraged them along the way. He's very much their cheerleader, advocate and mentor, as any parent should be. Dd1 gave Mr. Meta a card for Yule/X-mas that made him tear up. It was truly heartfelt.
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Do they automatically not like you because you are replacing their dad?
My situation wasn't typical. I solo-parented for over half the time my ex-H and I were married (10 years) due to multiple long separations. The kids never spent more than a full year around him, and my oldest was the only one who was around him for any length of time. I don't say that as a slight against him. It was simply the situation and dynamic. By the time my kids met my now-husband, they hadn't seen their father in a year, and only for a few days, as I moved back to my home state before he EAS'd (he was military geobach at the time) and getting offers for overseas contract work. Simply stated, he was not a constant physical presence in their life, and my son had no real recollection of him due to the long separations as a baby/toddler.
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Is it painful for them to see you with their mom?
Lol no.
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Are divorces usually mutual?
Ours was. Amicable and straightforward. We lived in different states before and during the official separation period.
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What is the relationship typically like between the new boyfriend/husband and the ex husband? Is it just a "hey how's it going" type thing? Or something more real and sincere?
I've often said that if my ex-H lived in the area, they would get along pretty well. They have similar personalities (introverted), temperaments, interests, worldviews, etc., both are low-key and mild-mannered. My ex-H has come to visit a few times and my husband has picked him up from the airport and such. I mean, they're both very laid back people.
It's incredibly dependent on the existing family dynamic and individual personalities and other factors. My husband has worked with a lot of kids and all sorts of types. He's also very patient, observant and understanding. But becoming part of someone's life, a family, is a big change. The biggest adjustment was adapting to the preschool age, as my son was four at the time. In time, things settled during the adjustment period and learning the dynamics/quirks/routines, etc.
Older two daughters were/are easy and agreeable kids. They weren't and still aren't "difficult" for either of us. He connected with them early on and they're very close.
Single men without kids and single women with kids are usually not a great match. However, due to the oversupply of males in the United States and Western Europe, some males have no other options than a woman with kids. China is even worse with their male oversupply.
OP-in your early 30s, you should be dating women 21-early 30s, and a lot of them have no kids. Focus your efforts there.
Single men without kids and single women with kids are usually not a great match. However, due to the oversupply of males in the United States and Western Europe, some males have no other options than a woman with kids. China is even worse with their male oversupply.
OP-in your early 30s, you should be dating women 21-early 30s, and a lot of them have no kids. Focus your efforts there.
Yikes. Biased much? There is no "oversupply" of either gender in the United States. Realities of social economics makes modern women less dependent on marrying a man for outright survival than in generations past. That reduces the overall supply of 'available' women somewhat. However women still want companioship and relationship. That requires different things from a man than simply being a provider. A lot of modern men cannot be anything more than someone who spends most of his time at a job and the rest of it with his buds and the remaining time yelling at the kids.
If you want (my) truth... a 30+ y.o. should have all this stuff figured out. He shouldn't be dating any particular subset of women, the raw, unvarnished truth is that he should probably not date anyone in expectation of anything. But that is way too blanket and general to go down easy with most readers. Well the o.p. questions were very general and in truth unanswerable. Some kids have had horrible biological fathers and someone new who gets them might be welcomed with open arms. Or not. It is totally up to chance and the past. And that is unknowable.
Single men without kids and single women with kids are usually not a great match. However, due to the oversupply of males in the United States and Western Europe, some males have no other options than a woman with kids. China is even worse with their male oversupply.
OP-in your early 30s, you should be dating women 21-early 30s, and a lot of them have no kids. Focus your efforts there.
The United States has an oversupply of single mothers, not males.
The United States has an oversupply of single mothers, not males.
And those women all just impregnated themselves? Or are you saying that the men that left them to take care of a child on their own are baggage-free and great catches?
I think a teen with kids is probably too young to handle both dating and raising a young family. Wait for her to grow up a bit.
LOL!
OP, you are dating a woman in her 30s, not a girl.
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