Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's a bad job. It's underpaid for risk taken and competence required and you are working as an employee. Ambitious people do not choose to be a cop. This, coupled with the fact the guy does nothing to improve himself in his free time leads to some serious differences between him and OP.
Mod cut. Around here you bust your balls to get onto a competent police force and then bust 'em even harder to work your way up the ranks.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 12-22-2016 at 08:12 AM..
Reason: Rude.
I am in my early 30s and a full time professional and a part time student, and I am currently dating a guy who is five years younger than me. He is a good person, and does not appear like a jerk or anything of that sort. He does sweet things for me (opens the door for me, gives me a massage when I am home from work late, does the dishes for me if I have to study, helps me carry heavy things, etc). One thing in which I wish he was different- I wish he was at least as ambitious as me.
He is a former military guy and is living off the GI bill money. His main occupation is to be a full time student for another year, after which he wants to go into law enforcement. When he is not at school he takes naps, plays video games or hangs out with me. I have moments when I feel resentful because he is too chill. I not only work 40 hours/week; I am a part time student, I volunteer, I am building a savings account, and in my time off I like to read and learn more about the world. Deep in my mind, if I were in my boyfriend's position, I would take at least a part time job, or spend time more meaningfully- learning a new skill, reading, etc.
This horrible thought crosses me that I am a convenient girlfriend and sometimes I feel like a loser for that. I like diversity in dates- going to theater, ballet, weekend getaways, trying out new restaurants, concerts, etc. But I am also the one planning and paying for all the cool dates and the nicer restaurants. His date ideas are simpler- bowling, mini golf, a chain restaurant or diner - for which he pays (and I try to not pick the most expensive items, being aware that he doesn't work). I try to be sensible to his situation; I try to respect his preference for simpler dates. But lately it has started to bother me that when we go out somewhere I suggest, he gets whatever he wants (including the more expensive items on the menu), and does not even offer to pay for his share of the bill.
So far I haven't brought up the subject, as I don't know how to process it. Am I being too cheap? My ideal scenario would be that he'd offer to pay half of whatever we are doing, and if he can't afford it, to let me know, so I can go with a girlfriend who is willing to split the bill. I like his company but hate feeling like a sugar mama, and honestly I don't think he intentionally is trying to get stuff from me - he just enjoys the fact that I like nice things and go for what I like.
Should I talk to him and tell him the above? Would that hurt his feelings or pride? Should I break up and look for someone more ambitious? Am I overreacting? Do I have low self esteem for having accepted this so far?
I knew a woman once who had almost the exact same situation as you. The only difference was that instead of law enforcement, her boyfriend was going to go into something a little more ambitious.
For some reason, she found his naps and video game sessions cute, and she had no problem with anything. It was like he couldn't put a foot wrong in her eyes.
Anyway, I wouldn't worry about your self esteem. I think it's more than adequately high.
It's a bad job. It's underpaid for risk taken and competence required and you are working as an employee. Ambitious people do not choose to be a cop. This, coupled with the fact the guy does nothing to improve himself in his free time leads to some serious differences between him and OP.
I agree there are serious differences between these two but the OP said she was a full time professional and part time student.
What does that mean, full time professional. It could mean shes a prostitute or a hit man. What is a professional? What do ambitious people choose to do?
And BTW most of us are working as employees, unless we own our own business.
Bitey, I don't disagree with you. In fact, if we were to look at this completely gender-blind, you are right. I wish I didn't care. But I can't deny my feelings. Shamefully, I want to be treated like a princess and spoiled, why not?. Yet, I am not willing to go out with guys just because they can pay my bills. I like a lot about this guy, but I can't stop feeling resentful about the fact that he isn't trying harder. I am pretty hard on myself, and i guess I judge people the same way. When I was married and my husband was making 2X what I was making, I was working three jobs because I felt guilty for letting him carry all the financial weight. When I go out with someone and they invited me, I always try to be modest and financially conscientious with what I order.
I guess I wish my boyfriend was the same with me. I wouldn't be as resentful if he actually spent his time working instead of napping or video gaming. Or if he refused to go to events he can't afford. I do make more than him, but I am not exactly rich, and I want to be able to save, as well.
Why I am with him? Because at the time we started dating he was better than other guys who were around me.
Is it possible to mediate this issue efficiently or should I be looking for better? (I don't even know how likely it is to find better)
I fully get the NEW ERA philosophy of absolute equality between men and women. But, in the animal kingdom the male is often expected to spoil and court the female. And despite the new era philosophy where women want to be treated like guys, this new philosophy actually benefits men more than women.
If you are old fashion about male female relationships you will be unhappy with the modern era because it goes against your biology which is somehow the product of evolution. Women still prefer strong smart men that are good providers over men that cannot earn a good living.
I heard that opinion as well, although not from a therapist. I have done the single life, too - I live on my own, I've been to the theater and movies and places by myself. I've done sex by myself. Honestly - I didn't like it as much. I am happier doing all of the above with someone that I like though. I don't need a man. I want a man though, for company, sex, and to share experiences with. That's why I don't want to get re-married, and I don't want to move in with anyone. I want to be on my own but go out and do stuff with somebody I like; I think my preferences should not be judged.
If the OP feels like being a PO lacks ambition that's fine, that's her call. It is considered a blue collar job, and some consider that dating down. But I think she should understand that is something on her, not on him. He is not lacking ambition.
My husband is retired military and now soon to retire from law enforcement. There are good and bad POs, just like anywhere else, and requirements and training vary from location to location.
In general, I am not fond of the personalities in law enforcement (not sure if the job attracts the type, or creates the type), but of course there are always exceptions. Obviously the OP likes this guy.
I don't think being a PO should be considered a bad choice of employment as a career. I agree that pay in the beginning is not what you would want for putting your life on the line, but with overtime, the union and advancement the pay goes up nicely.
But it's always the retirement benefits that are the selling point.
So if it is money that is the issue when you say lack of ambition, then I think you are wrong. Like I mentioned, my husband took almost the same track. He retires next year at 50, and his career choices will have us live comfortably.
If it's perception of PO not being intelligent or career driven that's the problem then break-up.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Nah I went out of my way to find one that doesn't obsess over money. Some years i bring in more money. Some years she does. I never liked the term "bread winner". I like to look at it like a team. There is no my money or your money in our relationship only our money and our debt. She brought in 30k of student loan debt into the relationship and I brought in 42k owed on a mortgage. I look at it as partially my student debt and the house is partially hers. Everything is joint. We split duties and chores too. I've been unemployed multiple times over the years. While I know a lot of women would kick me to the curb, she never once treated me like I was any less of a man. Other years I made double what she made, and didn't give it more than a 2nd thought. We have a couple who are good friends. They operate the same way.
The fact that you seem somewhat proud that your wife supported you because you couldn't keep a job is so damn embarrassing ..You say some years you made more than her? Well why cant you keep a job? She may have never said it to your face that you were less of a man but you are! Get your life right and man up
The fact that you seem somewhat proud that your wife supported you because you couldn't keep a job is so damn embarrassing ..You say some years you made more than her? Well why cant you keep a job? She may have never said it to your face that you were less of a man but you are! Get your life right and man up
I don't think the poster said anything about not being able to keep a job. He said that some years he earns more money and other years she does - what's wrong with that? They're working together as a team and clearly his wife doesn't regard him as "less of a man" and that's all that matters.
Maybe you need to "man up" (ugh, that expression makes me want to puke) for being so insecure, buttercup.
ShiverMeTimber, your relationship sounds fantastic!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Now go watch 
