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I ask this question because recently somebody from my past called me and left a msg on my phone.
Basically he's a friend who I haven't heard from in 6 years.
I helped him do a lot of things he wasn't good at (construction and renovations) and was good friends with him and his wife.
Then at one point he suddenly started avoiding me.
He was the complete opposite before... always the one calling me to hang out etc.
I got tired of trying to call him so left him alone.
Six years later... (now) he calls and leaves a msg saying that he is sorry... that he had problems with his wife and "stuff" and can I call him back - him and his wife would like to catch up, etc.
I am of the type that thinks that you don't treat friends like that.
You don't just cut them off for no reason (based on the actual friendship).
He could've explained it to me back then and I would've gave him plenty of space.
Anyways, I'm not sure what to do.
In a way I don't trust him... you know the saying "Fool me once, shame on you" ... etc.
Is it just my ego?
How do you handle relationships and being forgiving?
I would go with your gut feeling whether or not you'd like to reconnect with him. Sometimes, people can't be good friends in the moment, but can be at a later date.
I find it easy to forgive if someone gives me a true, heartfelt apology (hasn't really happened yet - I still forgive. I do Ho'Oponopono).
I ask this question because recently somebody from my past called me and left a msg on my phone.
Basically he's a friend who I haven't heard from in 6 years.
I helped him do a lot of things he wasn't good at (construction and renovations) and was good friends with him and his wife.
Then at one point he suddenly started avoiding me.
He was the complete opposite before... always the one calling me to hang out etc.
I got tired of trying to call him so left him alone.
Six years later... (now) he calls and leaves a msg saying that he is sorry... that he had problems with his wife and "stuff" and can I call him back - him and his wife would like to catch up, etc.
I am of the type that thinks that you don't treat friends like that.
You don't just cut them off for no reason (based on the actual friendship).
He could've explained it to me back then and I would've gave him plenty of space.
Anyways, I'm not sure what to do.
In a way I don't trust him... you know the saying "Fool me once, shame on you" ... etc.
Is it just my ego?
How do you handle relationships and being forgiving?
If you enjoyed the friendship until he bacam e weird, you can respond and see how it goes. There may have been reasons.
We were best friends with a couple, we got along so well and were so close. Suddenly the husband turned weird. He became ultra conservative, Trumpy before Trump became Trump, racist, very controlling as to where we should go to eat, and got upset over strange things, like that my husband wont drink. We got cut off, and to this day I miss the easy friendship we had. Slowly we understood that they had problems with their daughter, his business was not doing so well, and he lied. Like a lot for silly things. I know because his wife kept in touch with me without his knowing. If we ever hear from them again i will be happy.
Give it a chance if you missed the friendship.
I think that if you don't have a process of forgiveness or you haven't clearly defined what a close friend is or understand why distance may occur between people, then it is simpler to just tell you to do what you feel is best and go from there. If you feel like you want an explanation of what happened, then expect it. If you are willing to let it go just for the sake of having a good time with friends again, then do it.
In your case, OP, I'd give him another chance. He didn't ********* over, didn't do anything all that bad and it sounds like you enjoy his company. That he apologized shows good character.
I never forget, but I'll forgive the right people. In some cases, I never forgive.
I tend not to forgive. Perhaps one of my many character flaws.
I had someone from my college days reach out to me via email a few years ago—back then we were close friends but drifted apart shortly after we graduated.
I looked at the email, and memories of the drama always surrounding her came rushing back. She was in love with one guy, who didn’t love her as much, and she was being hotly pursued by another guy (FOR YEARS) who she liked as a friend, but she just couldn’t see him as a romantic lover). Broken hearts everywhere.
Anyway, the memories weren’t as fond for me, and I never replied to the email.
I find it easier to forgive as I get older, but that doesn't mean I'm not cautious about being burned again. I have a ne'er-do-well niece who used to steal from the family all the time when she was young, even to the point of going through your car to find change. She was fired from a number of jobs because the register was always short. When she had four kids i rapid succession with a loser and they needed clothing and so forth, we in the family would help her out here and there, but her response was always to come back looking for more.
She's now in her forties, has gone through more jobs than probably most of us on this thread collectively, her two youngest kids were taken from her recently because she can't provide a decent home for them, and she's calling another sister asking for "help"; i.e., cash.
(Her own mother gave her $5,000 to help her out last year and hasn't heard a peep from her since.)
I can forgive her for the times she stole from me and detach myself emotionally enough to know she's got problems beyond what a few bucks can solve, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let her back into my world to take more.
I had a friend that I ghosted, but it was because she owed me a grand and after giving me excuse after excuse, I saw her on social media at Walt Disney World.
This is a person who was always borrowing money. Never held down a job more than a few months at a time, kept getting busted for smoking pot. I felt sorry for her until I found out the reason she and her partner were like that.
It was just after I gave her the money, because she apparently tried to get the money from her sister. Instead, her sister called me and said she was going to do me a favor and let me know why this person used people over and over. Told me both of them were being supplemented by their families. They didn't keep jobs because they didn't need them.
That got me thinking about all the times we had parties and they were always the ones that never brought anything but brought their kids, who were first in line at the buffet. Left their dog behind for weeks at a time for all of us (our friends group) to take care of while they went on "family trips".
Then this person finally got a good job at a big warehouse and she paid me back $100 and it seemed like she was getting her shizit together. Then she came over one day when I knew she was supposed to be at work and she told us she lied and said she had COVID so she had two weeks off.
Something in me just snapped. I told her to leave. She was laughing about how she was just kidding, this was between her and work. I told her no, it was between us too because she screwed with me the same way she screwed with work, and she isn't the kind of person I want to be friends with.
That was in 2020, and to this day she tries to get people to ask me if she can talk to me again. I have no desire to get back together with her.
Bottom line, OP, if this person was someone you didn't really like before they ghosted you, don't bother with it now. But if it's someone you really enjoyed knowing and you think their excuse is legit, what can it hurt?
I find it easier now because I know I am the one that benefits not the other person.I have to lose the anger and hatred not them it harms me not them.It doesn't mean I have to remain a victim if someone is that bad for you then part company remove them take their power away.Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to stay in it - its about healing yourself.Many can't forgive because they think they are doing it for the other person.
It is typically hard to forgive because hate and vindictiveness and spite and tit-for-tat is human nature and more fun and satisfying. Forgiveness is humbling. Forgiveness is passive. You don't get to be the aggressor and lash out. You have to put your own desires behind those of others.
So yes, forgiveness is tough. The thing is, once it is done -- and I mean really done -- then you lose all that baggage. You let go of all that hate and spite. It drops away. You find out you were mostly just hurting yourself and the object of your spite never really even knew it.
I don't have a choice not to try to forgive since my faith requires it. As difficult at it is, I can't think of a single time I forgave someone and then regretted it. It always makes my life better. Sometimes tangibly and substantially better. It also always makes me feel dumb for holding onto the spite for so long.
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