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I don't consider myself a victim, just someone who happens to lie in the periphery of the "desirability" prism. Are there ways to work around this? Perhaps, but I'm learning how to dispense with dating and relationships altogether while maintaining my passions and pursuing the things that bring me great joy. I'm not really interested in gimmicks, seduction techniques or any other heuristic method to get more dates. I am simply opting to prioritize different aspects of my life that I believe will afford me much more fulfillment overall.
This is actually a big part of any advice I'd give to anyone in your situation. It's really good for you to be doing the bold.
Though I would say...don't throw away the possibility of landing a relationship in anger and "sour grapes" spirit... Just set it aside. Don't look at it. Leave it be. Have a "if it happens, fine, but if not, I'm good, I'm fine, I have a happy life" outlook.
Because if you can truly do this, like focus on your other life priorities but keep a genuine sense of peace, a kind of zen outlook, about the dating stuff... Be open to possibilities, but do not chase them... There's a good chance that one day you'll be going about your life, and some woman who has gotten to know you from work or a hobby or whatever, is going to look at you and think, "Wow, this guy really has it together. He's built a hell of a good life for himself and he seems well grounded and genuinely happy, I wonder how it is that no woman has snatched him up yet?" And if you can respond to that with no anger, no talk of marketplaces or internet incel buzz words, no particular vitriol or frustration, just a shrug and a "I figure the right person just hasn't ever come along yet" then hey...you never know.
I really think that in life and love, a lot of the best things show up when we stop beating our heads against brick walls and just LIVE.
As far as that secret sauce is concerned, you ask any women anywhere what makes a man attractive and there is one word you're going to hear over and over and over. "Confidence." You know what builds that? Winning. Not as in, "getting dates" winning, but as in, doing things, developing skills, finding purpose and success in your life. Whatever these other priorities are that bring you joy? That sounds like exactly the kind of winning that I'm talking about.
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I once knew an overweight guy that, as a young man, when asked about his appearance said I look just fine and would laugh. He got women. Its about confidence and happiness and it is very difficult to pretend to have these if you do not. Insecurity is likely what you are contending with and women can smell it a mile away but you can change. I have seen some ugly mf's get women and that is the differentiator, they were content with who they were. Women have the ability to look past looks, not sure how it works but they can date someone miserable looking relative to them and think they are great so hope is not lost.
My suggestion would be listen to Tony Robbins, define who you want to be and go for it.
It isn't an overnight process but it does work and can change your life.
I think many have expectations that are way too high.
You only have to sit in a mall for a while to see many people that may not seem to have much going for them, but they have found someone.
True^^^^
I've known women who would say they want to get married and have a family. Yet, whenever a man is interested in them, they would say something like one of my college roommates (who never did get married) would say to me "He doesn't turn me on." She was cute and outgoing yet when a man would ask her out, she would say that she was just being "friendly" to him and why would he ask her out?
Another co-worker that I had would sometimes say she had friends who would try to fix her up with some single men. Before she would even meet them, she would make excuses as to why she didn't want to go out with them. Once a friend wanted to fix her up with a man her age who was a widower with 2 kids. Of course, she had excuses like "what if he isn't over his wife's passing?" or "What if his kids don't like me?" I told her she should give him a chance. If they don't click, at least she tried. BTW, as far as I can tell, she never married.
Some people won't admit to themselves that they don't want to get married. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to marry. Yes, there are those who will try to pressure others to find someone to marry. However, no one should give into such pressure.
This is actually a big part of any advice I'd give to anyone in your situation. It's really good for you to be doing the bold.
Though I would say...don't throw away the possibility of landing a relationship in anger and "sour grapes" spirit... Just set it aside. Don't look at it. Leave it be. Have a "if it happens, fine, but if not, I'm good, I'm fine, I have a happy life" outlook.
Because if you can truly do this, like focus on your other life priorities but keep a genuine sense of peace, a kind of zen outlook, about the dating stuff... Be open to possibilities, but do not chase them... There's a good chance that one day you'll be going about your life, and some woman who has gotten to know you from work or a hobby or whatever, is going to look at you and think, "Wow, this guy really has it together. He's built a hell of a good life for himself and he seems well grounded and genuinely happy, I wonder how it is that no woman has snatched him up yet?" And if you can respond to that with no anger, no talk of marketplaces or internet incel buzz words, no particular vitriol or frustration, just a shrug and a "I figure the right person just hasn't ever come along yet" then hey...you never know.
I really think that in life and love, a lot of the best things show up when we stop beating our heads against brick walls and just LIVE.
As far as that secret sauce is concerned, you ask any women anywhere what makes a man attractive and there is one word you're going to hear over and over and over. "Confidence." You know what builds that? Winning. Not as in, "getting dates" winning, but as in, doing things, developing skills, finding purpose and success in your life. Whatever these other priorities are that bring you joy? That sounds like exactly the kind of winning that I'm talking about.
I needed to see this. Very confirming. I was just journaling the other day about how I needn't waste my energy and physical/mental health reacting against or in spite of and more striving to live in harmony with the path that will lead me to identification with my greatest, most passionate, most determined, creative and compassionate self.
Well , you don't need studies it's usually pretty obvious things you notice with long term single. l've noticed one thing in common with any l've known and even back in teens you could see they'd never couple up especially with 2 of them and they never have.Those two both women have given up these days, 50s now.
It's usually a personality thing , l've seen it in any l've ever known bar one or two over the yrs those you could see they were just unlucky in love. love just wasn't going to be in their cards you could see it. But most, it's been a personality thing.
One guy l've known most my life though he's 50s now he'd never had a relationship, and he had this personality thing to.
But to our surprise about 2yrs ago he met someone and after all these yrs he's somehow adapted and they're doing really well, l'd say they'll be a lifer for sure.
But he has made a lot of changes and even some things he complained to me about early in. l said that's actually pretty normal stuff from your woman don't worry about it it's just part of being a couple some were actually good things and show she really cares and loved him. He just didn't understand, but since he's been doing really well and seems to have excepted being a couple is a totally different life to being single .
This is actually a big part of any advice I'd give to anyone in your situation. It's really good for you to be doing the bold.
Though I would say...don't throw away the possibility of landing a relationship in anger and "sour grapes" spirit... Just set it aside. Don't look at it. Leave it be. Have a "if it happens, fine, but if not, I'm good, I'm fine, I have a happy life" outlook.
Because if you can truly do this, like focus on your other life priorities but keep a genuine sense of peace, a kind of zen outlook, about the dating stuff... Be open to possibilities, but do not chase them... There's a good chance that one day you'll be going about your life, and some woman who has gotten to know you from work or a hobby or whatever, is going to look at you and think, "Wow, this guy really has it together. He's built a hell of a good life for himself and he seems well grounded and genuinely happy, I wonder how it is that no woman has snatched him up yet?" And if you can respond to that with no anger, no talk of marketplaces or internet incel buzz words, no particular vitriol or frustration, just a shrug and a "I figure the right person just hasn't ever come along yet" then hey...you never know.
I really think that in life and love, a lot of the best things show up when we stop beating our heads against brick walls and just LIVE.
As far as that secret sauce is concerned, you ask any women anywhere what makes a man attractive and there is one word you're going to hear over and over and over. "Confidence." You know what builds that? Winning. Not as in, "getting dates" winning, but as in, doing things, developing skills, finding purpose and success in your life. Whatever these other priorities are that bring you joy? That sounds like exactly the kind of winning that I'm talking about.
At the same time, what you are suggesting still requires you to be out and about and meeting people. So it may not be a conscious effort, but its still playing numbers.
You're in the victim mentality. Its not some "marketplace" that makes it hard for those people. Its that they aren't doing what it takes. You have to work around those things. I say that as someone who is very introverted, risk averse and shy. And I never dated in high school. But when I learned how to work around those things and how to meet women who were interested in being met, it suddenly became easy in my 30s. Instead of rarely getting yeses, I rarely got nos.
OK, this is interesting. Mind if I ask how you did that?
"...In the end, however, personality is not destiny. It is possible to change your personality. Introverts can learn social skills that help them behave in a more extroverted manner. Or, more accurately, you can learn to act in ways that are not natural to you.
So, if you’re involuntarily single, there’s no reason to give up hope. The solution is straightforward, although it will take effort. Like an actor in a play, assume the persona of someone outgoing and people-oriented. Go out into the world and meet as many people as you can, and show that you’re genuinely interested in them. It’s the only way to find someone with whom you’ll want to share your life."
So, meet as many people as you can. If you really want to meet someone, you need to approach it like a job search. Apply a lot of places, interview and maybe one will be a match. Meet people, find ones who will date and maybe one will be a match. But understand that in the vast majority of cases, like with a job search, it won't be a match.
Most people are comfortable where they are. That means you have to make yourself to be assertive enough to meet them. And its helpful if you are in places people want to be met. I would not suggest starting a conversation on an elevator! Although oddly enough, I talked to someone on a elevator and she ended up introducing me to my future wife when I ran into her again a couple of days later at a church singles group.
I think it probably helps if you have friends or siblings who have been successful who can give you tips. I got some advice from a long time female friend of mine on things like clothes and the numbers game.
So the article says if you aren't very assertive and outgoing it takes longer. When you think about that, its a DUH!!! Its not about traits. Its about actions. The non-assertive introvert is not meeting as many people so the odds in a given time frame are lower.
While I appreciate the fundamental premise of your argument (that it's about action), assuming personas and playing the numbers game strikes me as being inauthentic.
While I appreciate the fundamental premise of your argument (that it's about action), assuming personas and playing the numbers game strikes me as being inauthentic.
Nobody bats 1.000. While it may seem crass to call it a numbers game, there is truth behind the notion that it takes several attempts for something to become a successful 'habit.'
It's been the same for me all my life. I think years ago there was a better study than this one. It referred to involuntary singles as being "off time." The meaning is that for whatever reasons people who are always alone never got on the normal and expected trajectory that their peers did. Most people start interacting with the opposite sex in the teen years. People start dating any many have a study boyfriend or girlfriend. The people who don't experience this are at a disadvantage of having lost their first growing up years to being abnormal from everyone else. One hopes things will change once out of high school and into the world, but for some people things never seem to improve no matter how much effort is put into it. Another issue is after a certain age other people see forever singles as people to be wary of. If you've had a normal life then it's very hard to understand how someone else didn't. It becomes "a red flag" to people and the inclination is to stay away because they fear there must be something horribly wrong with anyone who doesn't have tons of experience in the dating world. Thank you for posting this new study.
I have said as much in the past on this forum. It's nice to know there was a study that said the same thing.
Yes, those of us who did not get to date when a teenager don't experience the phases of going through the steps like holding hands, having someone put their arm around you, being kissed, etc., and just regular interaction with romantic partners. We try to make it up later if we get the chance, but there's always something missing, as if you ordered something you have to assemble yourself but the instructions and some of the pieces are not in the box.
I eventually married, but badly (alcoholic, gambler, probably bipolar), and now I can admit it was because I knew he was going to be the only chance I ever had to marry and have children (I had one). I had one other long-term relationship, late in life, and it was a good one. He was a little different and appreciated me--even pursued me because of my being a little different, and we met online not through a dating site but through a common interest. That one ended with his death. I'm glad I did get to experience love for real, though, even if I only got a few years. But so many people have been married for years, or have had multiple long-term relationships, and it just seems to come to them easily.
Nobody ever saw me in a club, knew me at work, met me through friends, or WHATEVER, and thought, "Gee, I like her/would like to get to know her." Of if they did, there would never have been any way I would have known it because I wouldn't have had the tools to pick up on it since they never approached me. A few times, in the years after my divorce, when I dared to mention that I would like to have another relationship, people laughed, as if the idea was completely ridiculous and I was surely joking, so I learned not to express that desire to people I knew. When I did meet my late bf, I did not tell anyone for a while because I wanted to see how the relationship went without anyone else's input and likely negativity.
I'm a senior citizen now, but the effects of not having normal teenage years have shaped my entire life. I have sufficient funds, I have more work opportunities than I need, I have good friends, but my main regret in life is not being able to have had a partner for most of it.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 04-01-2024 at 06:09 PM..
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