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I found my forum. Our 19 year old is by far the laziest human being on the planet. He coasted through h.s and is now graduating. He barely cracks a book and refuses to study. He is very bright when the subject is something he is interested in. Mostly, he was really interested in his games and I came close to trashing the Xbox many times. Suddenly a week ago, a bulb came on over his head and he is now working with his dad, learning to draft (which was something we tried to get him to do for the last 2 years) and has an interest in architecture. To all the moms with knobheaded sons and daughters, don't give up on them, just keep talking to them.
I have an "under" motivated 20 year old daughter. If I allowed it she would not work or go to school. That isn't an option for her though.
I don't pay for her college. I hoped that would make her take it more seriously since it was her own money. It didn't, she flunked out.
My kids know they can live at home rent free as long as they get good grades in their college classes. Since she didn't do that she had to get a full time job to pay her rent.
Now she goes to school part time and works full time. She doesn't like it but I make sure she knows that it was HER choice not mine. I have made it clear to her if her rent is not paid on time she will have to move out. I am trying hard to give her doses of the real world. Landlords don't care about excuses and how you "forgot" rent was due. If you don't pay you don't have a place to stay.
She is talking about going to school full time in the fall. I have told her that she can do that (rent free) but if she drops the ball again it will be time for her to move on with her life. Get a job, go to school part time, join the military, etc. I don't like those scenarios but I don't think I am doing her any favors letting her do nothing either. I won't always be around and she needs to be self sufficient in what ever way will work for her.
Also I'm sorry but if my adult child started calling me names and talking about hating me I would show them the door. For every action there is a reaction. My kids don't have to love everything I do (I can assure you they don't) but at least they understand I am trying to do it for their own good. I certainly make mistakes but I love them and do what I can to help them learn to be responsible for themselves. If they disagree they are free to make other plans.
Yes, it is tough. I know lots of folks won't agree but working with these kids that don't self motivate is a challenge and unless I hold tough we'd never get anywhere.
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyCo
My son is going to be 19 in July. He has a D+ average after a year of college. He took the same math class twice with different professors, and withdrew from both because he was failing. He just failed his Spanish class and got a "C" in history. I'm ready to tear my hair out in complete frustration. He's not working part time (although he is looking for a job). He doesn't have a car, because I refuse to pay for the insurance, gas, etc. He spends his spare time on his computer (that he paid for with money that his grandfather had saved for him) and with his friends.
How do I light a fire under him?!
By contrast, his older sister is going to UC Berkeley. Her first semester there she ended up with one "C", and three "B"s. She's the shining star, no doubt, and she's extremely motivated.
I don't expect my son to be exactly like her. I do expect him to step up and take on some real responsibility. How much time should I give him? He can't support himself, not even with a roommate, on minimum wage.
I've asked him what he plans to do with his life. You know what he said? He wants to play poker!!! I tried to tell him that if playing poker and making a living at it were so easy, we'd all be doing it! He won't listen, of course. Help?!
When he says "I want to play poker" he's saying "I have no idea what to do with my life, I'm scared, I don't really know how to apply myself and self-sabotage makes me feel better for some reason." He probably needs to get out of school for the time being, do some hard work to see what life without a college degree (or a safety net) will be like, grow up a little bit and go back to school when he knows what he wants to do.
Honestly, you're not doing him any favors if you allow him to pud around in college and at this point he is unlikely to learn anything from "parenting", he needs to figure it out for himself. If it were me I would tell him he has one semester to get his act together and if drastic improvement (defined as grades that would actually be reported on a resume) is not apparent at that point, then the purse strings will get cinched tight.
I am assuming you are paying for his college education? No more. He can get a loan for it. When he flunks out and drops out and the bill still comes due, he'll figure it out.
Put his butt out. I can't say it any more plainly. I think boys are pretty horrendous for the most part until they are 23 or so. We had to put the younger one out. Help yours find an apartment on the bus line. Put up the deposit if you feel so inclined, help him get the utilities hooked up - and then he's on his own.
He CAN support himself. He may have to work two jobs to do it, but he can do it. He is young. He is teachable. Do not put up with his BS or he will be sitting at home at 28 still saying he doesn't know what he wants to be.
we have a 16 year old boy that doesn't think he should get a job for the summer . he has fairly good grades -74% avg. we think it will teach him responsibility with money. he would rather sit at home and play xbox all the time. we put time limits on it but it doesn't help. he never wants to go and do things with us or family. he plays xbox on line with his friends. he not into drugs, or drinking. he's a good kid. he just isn't motivated to do anything but play xbox.
we have a 16 year old boy that doesn't think he should get a job for the summer . he has fairly good grades -74% avg. we think it will teach him responsibility with money. he would rather sit at home and play xbox all the time. we put time limits on it but it doesn't help. he never wants to go and do things with us or family. he plays xbox on line with his friends. he not into drugs, or drinking. he's a good kid. he just isn't motivated to do anything but play xbox.
Really old post you added to but okay. Here's my two cents. First off, if he's playing xbox online with friends, who's paying for xbox live? If it's you, then stop. That's one way to fix that.
Also not sure that I'd call 74% average good grades....
I have a 16 year old that's been working since he was 15. They need something to do, especially during the summer. I would get him involved in something if he can't find a job, which can be hard right now for teens but still not an excuse. Sports, volunteering, something. What motivates my son to work? He has to pay for all the gas in his vehicle, half of his insurance, all maintenance for his vehicle, he likes xbox as well - he pays for his gamefly subscription, xbox live, etc.
If he isn't motivated to anything but play xbox, simple solution is to take it away. Make finding a job become a job.
Our son blew the first semester in college when he was 18, partied, etc. We took him out, We explained to him he was coming home, he would go to community college, he would be responsible to pay for his classes if he passed then we would refund the money to him for the class, if he failed it was on him. We didn't charge him rent because it took most of his money for his classes, etc.
After 6 months he decided he wanted to just work no classes so he could have fun. We then told him it was either college, or the military. He chose the military, he was in for 5 years and it taught him alot, he said looking back he was glad we made him do something because he just couldnt motivate himself to do anything but to be with his girlfriend and play games. Today he is an accountant he did go back to school and get his degree. He is married to the same girl he was dating back then and they are very happy.
He was an only child this was very hard on us to push him into college or the military. We both wanted to coddle him but we asked ourselves what would our parents have done---they never would have babied us. Tough Love! Its hard but sometimes kids are just lost and need to find their path.
If they don't want to work get them a job volunteering at a senior living facility. Its a great eye opener.
my son flunk out of his last semester and did not tell us. We are wiped out emotionally when we found out. For two weeks he tried to re do some of his failed classes and stopped. Now he does nothing but listen to metal music and works a few hours a week. He says he was depressed and unmotivated. all he does is play heavey metal and listen to it on his computer.I tried to motivate him and work with him but he refuses. I am at the point to throw him out and give him money for rent and leave him on his own, I think he needs professional help for depressson
throwing him out and giving him money for rent are not compatible. If you throw him out you are trying to teach him to be on his own and giving him money for rent will just lead to more money for groceries, utilities, etc. What have you gained and what has he leearned?
Get him to a doctor if you think he is depressed and get him on meds.
My experience is you cannot do anything to motivate somebody that age. They have to come to the decision on their own and the more you give them the more they depend on you.
I've asked him what he plans to do with his life. You know what he said? He wants to play poker!!! I tried to tell him that if playing poker and making a living at it were so easy, we'd all be doing it! He won't listen, of course. Help?!
Tell him either his grades get on-par and he starts taking school more seriously or he's out the door and will have to make his own way. He's not a child, he's an adult.
He wants to "play poker"???? Give him a deck of cards, a paper with the want ads and rooms for rent section highlighted, change your locks and tell him buh-bye.
You can let him know he is completely welcome in your home ONLY when he can prove to you he's serious about school and his grades and his future. Right now, he's under your roof and living the free life. You're making it easy for him to be a failure.
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I tried to tell him that if playing poker and making a living at it were so easy, we'd all be doing it! He won't listen, of course. Help?!
