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And....? What is your point here? We are talking specifically about a woman (in this case it's Op's daughter). Your point makes absolutely no sense in the context of this post.
The poster I responded to habitually paints women as gold diggers and baby mamas including ops daughter.please read his posts in this thread.
She is 31, moved back in with her parents, and not finding work. This is the time the parent pushes. I'd give an ultimatum. Either you find a job, do what we think is in your best interest, or move out by X date.
At 31 she knows her strong suit isn’t school. You can make a living and a career in the hospitality and service industries. Encourage her do do that. She has that experience.
She has worked in service and hospitality for a few yrs now but she has not stayed more than a year or two, then off to another one. The jobs don't pay much. She's gotten as far as team manager and has always been replaced by someone with a certification or a degree. I encouraged her to pursue a certification or a degree but she doesn't feel the need to pursue it.
Is she attractive with no baggage? Can she find a man to marry her and take care of her and maybe she can be a stay at home mom and a man can take care of her.
attractive, no children, no criminal record or addictions. she has no desire to marry and does not want children. she wants to work, travel and look good.
Why did she move "back home from across the country"?
There are lots of jobs available in the service and hospitality industry. Why is she not getting one?
like so many young folks she thought she'd move out west and live the good life in the sun but she couldn't keep up financially. she moved home to avoid being homeless. she found jobs in service and hospitality but they didn't pay enough - at one point she was working 3 jobs and still struggling to pay rent. one of the jobs she had paid well but the hours were long, she was being harassed and was demoted because they found a new manager who held a degree.
I just want to say that we don't convince ourselves that we suck at math (or whatever it is for her). We've learned it during our horrible experience of going to summer school every year since the 9th grade, being told by our guidance counselors to just take gym in our senior year because by 12th grade we still hadn't passed Pre-Algebra, barely passing our SATs, etc. When we tell you we won't do well in college, we mean it because we KNOW.
You arguing with us about it does not help us. It stresses us out even more because we want you to love us and believe in us but you pushing us into something we know will just be another shizitty year of not being good enough is not we what need. She sounds about as beat down as I was after high school. Granted, by her age I had a career, and back in the 90s it was a lot easier to get somewhere without a degree, but it's still doable, perhaps if she went to tech school for a trade instead.
I feel for you, I do, but please put yourself in her shoes. She just wants someone to believe in her.
I have encouraged her to consider trade school. And yes, her confidence has taken a massive beat down but not by me or the rest of her supporters. Since she has been home, I've been supportive in every way - sacrificed a great deal to bring her back home and get her settled. I've not complained once because I want her closer to home. She knows she is loved and that I will do all within my power to help her. I need her to believe she can though. That part, I can't do for her.
I know you're not looking for advice, but the one thing that may help her the most is to see a counselor. At her age she should have an idea as to what she wants to do or at the very least an idea as to how she wants her life to be. It's possible she has some depression, which in turn destroys her motivation to try or do anything. She may also have ADHD, but they can test for that over the course of about a month or so and she can get a definitive answer.
I absolutely agree with this. She worked with a "counselor" during covid and found it helpful. A good clinical psychologist is in order but she's going to need a job with benefits to establish a relationship with one. I can't pay out of pocket for her visits.
Self-confidence is tricky business, and it sounds like she's a sensitive personality and doesn't take criticism well. That's for her to work through. A job will probably help with that.
Maybe she could take some courses at a local community college? Many states are offering free CC tuition, I think because of federal funding from Inflation Reduction Act or some such. In my state, it's free if you're over 25, and cheap if not.
She could look into health care, which always needs people. Many CC's offer phlebotomy and medical assistant programs that take 6-12 months, and only a high school degree is required. It's not necessarily her dream career but it's a way to bootstrap into the health field and from there perhaps develop the confidence to get a higher degree, RN or x-ray tech or many other options that pay pretty well.
Just the act of being in school, meeting others and learning of their career aspirations, is a confidence booster.
She could also try "side hustle" types of work such as free-lance landscaping, dog walking and pet sitting, cleaning homes, drop shipping, Door Dash, etc. Not necessarily glamorous, but it beats sitting around doing nothing, and the money can add up, particularly if you start really hustling, getting people to work for you, and building it up into a real business.
Good luck to her!
Yes, you nailed it. VERY sensitive and criticism crushes her. Lots of tears and self-pity. There are no less than two boxes of tissues in every room of the house. As a mom, I have to watch my step because ANYTHING I say is especially crushing. I'm very careful with my words and try to listen more than I talk. The other family members that are supporting her do a little more talking than I, and even tho there are tears and attitude, she bounces back easier than she would if I said the very same words. Your thoughts are very much in line with what we have been encouraging her to do so thanks for responding :-)
@OP - Encourage her to find her calling. There is a career waiting for her somewhere, she just needs to find it. It took my sister until she was 34 to find a solid job that she enjoys enough to stick with. I have an ex who kind of took a similar path of floating from job to job until she found one that stuck.
I would suggest starting at a hotel as hospitality associate and work her way up. I know multiple people who work for hotel chains who make quite a bit of money and enjoy what they do. Best of luck to her, and you!
You might disagree with it, but marrying into not working is still a strategy employed by many woman. It's not for every woman but it does happen and it does work. I wish my Aunt would have employed that strategy, instead she might end up homeless since she doesn't want to work.
I'm 35 with a solid career and I still don't know what it is I would want to "to do".
35 but wise. great advice. thank you.
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